Slighted by my brother and new wife?

[Livinthedream11]

We were not part of my brothers wedding party despite including him and his partner.
That was pretty hurtful, but I trudged on planning on enjoying my vacation. After cancellation, delay, long flight, long layover we finally arrived to where my brother lives. We have had a rocky relationship, but I was excited to maybe bond with him.
A lot of their friends are visiting from overseas and I understand the need to hang out with them, but they havent really made time for us (we are leaving soon) .

Whenever they get home, his wife needs alone time and we have pretty much wasted almost 2 days hanging out at their place. My husband and I have spent more time with my parents then we have with them.
Idk the alone time sounds kinda fishy to me as they jump at the opportunity to hang with their friends. I feel even more slighted. Am I being unreasonable?

For our wedding, DH family flew in. Despite being stressed and tired, I was elated to meet them and see othwr family I had already met.
I understand we are not close, but I was hoping to maybe bond.

I'm sad for you and understand that you hoped for more. Try to enjoy the remaining few hours and put it behind you.

Sounds like you just need to accept they aren't interested I'm afraid. I wouldn't waste any more energy on it. Sometimes siblings just don't have a relationship.

The trip was costly as we to buy the tickets and pay to baord our pets. Considering that this is our last vacation due to finances and school.

YANBU. My bro is the same, he's an idiot, doesn't even reply about my concern over our dad. Your bro sounds like a douche an his new wife. Forget them x

The problem here is mismatched expectations. It sounds like you were invited out of curtesy and you, thought it was an opportunity to bond. They are prioritising time with people they want to spend time with, which isn’t you. Now you know that, go out and enjoy what’s left of your holiday instead of quietly seething.

I would invite them out for a meal as a last farewell dinner, it's up to them if they attend or not. Extend the invitation to your parents and family/friends and go and enjoy with or without them. Accept that he's not interested in maintaining a relationship & carry on with your life. He's not important in your life anymore and it's OK not to feel guilty about it.

Have you actually told him how you feel and that you want time with him / the couple? Sounds like you expect him to read your mind and you're feeling resentful that he hasn't.

Thing is I dont want to invade their space, I am not gonna force or beg them to hang out.

It sounds to me that you were a duty invite to keep the peace. If you have a rocky relationship, his wedding was unlikely to ever be a bonding opportunity. I suspect his wife has been filled in on you in advance and is helping her husband by providing an excuse to get away. Have an honest think about why he might feel that way and, if you conclude it's him not you, after genuine self-reflection, just move forward knowing he doesn't want a close relationship with you.

They're just not that bothered. You're only there because of family obligations. Most people have nothing in common with their siblings, why do you feel entitled to a close relationship to your brother and who he chooses to spend his life with.

Sure, but you sound as if you think you did him a favour by attending his wedding — how would you have felt if he didn’t invite you as you’re not close? It would have involved less expense, of course, but you’d presumably have felt insulted/slighted.

Sorry but you knew before you went that you are not close. As family, it may seem odd if they hadn't invited you, but that wasn't an invite to expect their marriage to become about you and what you wanted out of the time. If either of you - and that includes you - had been seriously interested in bonding better, then you have had years to do that. But you both decided not to bother about that, for whatever reason. But you expect your brother and his wife to want to bond with you now instead of spending time with the people whose lives they are bonded to? That is unreasonable and selfish. They want to share their happy event with the people they care about, and the people who care about them. You aren't on that list.

And I say that with experience - I am not close to either of my siblings. If I was invited to an event like this, as family I would have expected the invitation, but I would have politely declined. I wouldn't have wanted to go given that we aren't close, and nor would I have expected them to be bothered I didn't go. They have their own lives and I have mine. There is no intersection, and a marriage isn't going to change that.

And isn't that telling? It isn't a vacation. You bought the tickets etc, but you are staying in your brother property, as a family member, whilst he gets married. This sounds more like "let's go, it's a cheap holiday because we can't afford anything better".

They're not spending time with you as you've got other family there to spend time with whilst their friends who have travelled may well not know anyone else

I don't think it's 'weird' at all in the context of you admitting you and your brother are not close.

Who 'bonds' at a wedding?? Just kick back and enjoy your time there with no expectations of brother and wife. 😎🌊🏝️🍹

Make the most of it, but don’t bother making any effort in the future.

“Oh ffs, I don’t know what you’re used to but it’s her brother, she’s flown in and he’s basically blanked her. That’s not asking to be ‘centre of attention’ - it’s asking for some common courtesy.

YANBU op. They’re being dicks. Sounds like she’s one of those women who can’t be arsed with her husband’s family and so fuck ‘em. Your brother is sadly going along with it.”

^This. Your brothers wife is the problem. Sadly he’s going along with it.

I think YABU. You have a rocky relationship with him and bonding between siblings usually happens way before weddings are a factor. They presumably really like their friends, who have also travelled long distance, and will naturally want to spend time with them.

Try to enjoy the rest of the stay and if you do want a closer relationship with your brother and SIL, make plans to do something together when there is less going on.

Sorry it hasn't met your expectations. I do think YABU.

It isn't reasonable to feel like you should have been part of the wedding party when you don't really know the bride and have a rocky relationship with the groom.

For the same reason, its not weird that they might choose to spend time with the people they are closer to (and who also may have travelled/don't have other people like parents they know there).

If it were me I'd plan something fun for the remainder and enjoy what's left of the trip.

This isn't necessarily a slight or a reflection of you.
Whatever it is you need to accept it & respect their choices, as you should any person.

YANBU, I have been to a wedding like this. A very close family member, but we spent the whole weekend feeling like we were a gate crashing. We paid for our own accommodation and found out everyone else’s had been included with the invite, even friends of the brides parents.

The weekend was long and awkward, our daughter was bridesmaid ( she is the brides first cousin and goddaughter) We were not included on the drinks the night before the wedding, lied to about what was going on.
so we kept smiles on our faces and made it through the weekend, and made a resolution not to mention it again. We were not the only ones treated this way, also brides aunt and grandmother, in fact they were treated a lot worse.

I think it might have been okay, but the week after the wedding my husband was having coffee with the brides Father (brother in laws) and he had a go at my husband because he was pissed off with us as he had had to host (they did a really shit job of it) his mother in law and sister in law. That apparently was our responsibility, at his daughters wedding!

The relationship between the brides mother and her siblings has never really recovered and we were a very close family. Grandmother* says nothing, but never mentions the wedding. Weddings and families are a complete minefield.

• Bride is grandmother’s favorite grandchild, she raised her till she was seven years old, so extremely cruel treatment to your supposedly beloved grandmother.

They are being rude. To be fair if you'd wanted to spend quality time with them, a wedding isn't the best occasion to do it.

But at the very least they should have expressed pleasure that you made the effort to attend.

I'd stop expecting anything from them and enjoy some time with your DPs instead.

I like this post. I'm a brother, describes me perfectly. All I want to add is that, although it may not suit women that men aren't like women, that doesn't mean we're morally inferior.

I read once that reciprocity exists in all cultures, but the degree to which it's practised varies from one to another. This sometimes leads to an incorrect conclusion that people from the culture with less reciprocity than one's own are selfish. They aren't, they're just conforming to a different standard.

Women and men have slightly different cultures. Women want to network, men are more independent. Men give less of a fuck about other people, but what should go with that is that they have less expectation that other people will give a fuck about them.

By "alone time" do you mean they want to be alone after the wedding (when they're presumably about to go on their honeymoon)? Or before the wedding when there's last minute things to check?
I get you're sad that you're not close but I don't think a busy wedding is going to be a good time to build a bond with so much going on and other guests for them to factor in. Maybe suggest a meet up later in the year?

Even if they didn’t like you it’s rude to ignore your guests.
However your expectation of ‘bonding’ is also U.