Living off a man!!!

[iabr]

If you are among the posters on here who always sneer at SAHMs for 'living off the husband,' do you also -

• sneer at women who work PT and therefore earn less than their husbands - so are, by definition, also 'living off the husband" to a greater or lesser extent?

• sneer at women who work full-time, but still earn significantly less than the husband, so the house and other expenses are largely funded by his higher income anyway?

• sneer at any woman who has a dual income lifestyle that she couldn't maintain on her own salary / wealth?

I really don't want to get into endless personal anecdotes of - "Well I earn £x and DH earns £x..." This is about the issue of 'financial independence' within families per se. - ie . recognising that it's accrued family wealth that determines financial independence and it's not necessarily always as simple as who earns what. A SAHM may well have greater financial independence than a woman on a high salary, depending on that family's underlying financial circumstances.

So AIBU to say to MN - Stop telling SAHMs they are 'financially vulnerable' - unless you know the details of their unique financial family circumstances!

I would agree, and I suppose that’s why my overall point is always that women should do what they can to make themselves as secure as possible, usually by building a career and some financial independence before marrying and having children

Something I've found on this forum is that women will often start threads insisting everything is fine really (so why start it?) and dismiss everyone's concerns or theories. But it eventually becomes clear that the picture is not rosy and she is in fact in the same sort of circumstances we've seen a jillion times before, for all her insistence that her case is different.

This is a really odd thread.

stay at home mothers come in all different shapes and sizes.

OP seems to imagine they are all upper middle class with their own trust fund to fall back on. Some are , but a tiny minority.

sone are stuck in a benefit trap, live on rented accommodation and have very little household savings.

some are doing okay - husband wants enough to cover living expenses for the family and they have a nice lifestyle.

they have taken time out from a. Wide variety of careers - some high flying some minimum wage.

some have lovey husbands - some are married to controlling arseholes.

but there will usually be a career long cost of this break. I assume most women understand that. I woodland do it - in my career it would be too difficult to make up the lost ground. And to be honest I am not sure how good I would be at keeping a house and children clean and occupied!

but not sure why OP is so weirdly defensive about it

So why is a SAHM saying that frustrating to you?

My whole point is that SAHMs come in all 'shapes and sizes' in real life.

But you would never think that on AIBU. You are either a "WOHM" (as if they're all the same) or a "SAHM" (as if they are all the same).

If you are a SAHM, you will inevitably get a barrage of remarks about not being 'financially independent.' Doesn't matter whether you actually are or not. You have to wade through all this and it distracts from the whole point of what your posting about. People also tend to get nasty and imply you are naive, you don't know you're own mind, and all the other unpleasantness I've already described above. Rather than just accepting you are not financially vulnerable and moving on, they go on and on and on.

It's like there is one acceptable type of SAHM on MN and that is the SAHM that other women can look down on and pity for her 'financial vulnerability.'

Any SAHM who dares to claim otherwise is told she is a troll, stealth-boasting or not a real SAHM!

Then the knives come out - your DH is having an affair etc etc etc. Every. Single. Time. When all else fails, they will rant about you letting women down globally and responsible for the gender pay gap.

Being a SAHM is like anything else - you may be more financially vulnerable than the average person, but equally you may well not be. Just like anyone who works part-time, or full-time. Totally depends on the context.

I think sometimes the expectations SAHMs have from others are unrealistic. Although it's perfectly reasonable to expect your right to choose your lifestyle to be respected, a lot of the anger seems to arise from those for whom that's not enough.
Many SAHMs feel the role should be seen as valuable and praise worthy. And while within the individual family unit it might well be, its unrealistic to expect the same from wider society about a lifestyle choice that only benefits two of three other people.
I think that for some, nothing but agreement with the view that bringing up children is 'the most valuable thing a woman can do' would suffice, with an admittance to jealousy that they can't live this supposedly ideal lifestyle thrown in for good measure.
Anything less than this invariably seems to lead to offence taken in some quarters.

Many SAHMs feel the role should be seen as valuable and praise worthy.
I disagree with this, some might I suppose but I think most just want to feel respected and not be belittled by posters falling over themselves to point out not getting paid means they aren't getting paid.

You hit the nail on the head. I think SAHM forget it's a choice they are making and whilst it must be hectic. Working mums too look after kids and work. From this point here it goes down hill... working mums still do the house chores and the laundry. Sorry but there's no sympathy from me but it's nothing against SAHM though.

You hit the nail on the head. I think SAHM forget it's a choice they are making and whilst it must be hectic. Working mums too look after kids and work. From this point here it goes down hill... working mums still do the house chores and the laundry. Sorry but there's no sympathy from me but it's nothing against SAHM though.

Was anyone looking for your sympathy?
According to your theory no parent can complain if they're finding things difficult as they chose to have children.

@MrsBwced its frustrating if they don’t look after their financial stability because they feel their relationship is untouchable. It’s quite simple!

Ok op, next time you mention you’re a SAHM I’ll nod to myself and think - ah that’s the really wealthy SAHM.

h2h

Just refraining from narrow-minded assumptions about SAHMs would be good. You know, like normal people.

@MrsBwced what are you talking about. I didn't mention anybody complaining about parenthood. The thread was talking about the finicial aspect of parenting. You've created your own narrative but whatever.

I still don't understand why that is frustrating to you and others in a way people taking risks in other areas doesn't seem to be.

Well this got very cringe indeed. It’s like the 1950s never left. High earning women married to high earning men,,,nah you have a wealthy husband you are a sahm!

op. Look we get it your husband is loaded your set for life. Your mates are the same you can’t perceive another situation. And are offended anyone would not understand as a sahm you’re loaded.

awesome. Everyone knows now. Rest easy.

What, like the assumption that most of them are set up for life even if they have no access to any active income?

I am not a SAHM these days. Read the thread.

I know a lot who are though. And none of them need to be patronised or have their lives stereotyped by sanctimonious busybodies on MN.

@Hatsoff5
Well I was replying to your post, you must've gone off topic. Better luck next time.

Ooh a 1950's reference you never see those on a SAHM thread.

@MrsBwced I was also replying to someone else's post. I'm not sure why your here if you can't consider others views apart from your own. You and OP seem upset but if something doesn't hold truth why post in the first place OP..

" What, like the assumption that most of them are set up for life even if they have no access to any active income?"

No SOME.

And "set up for life" are your words.

I have said that not all SAHM are financially vulnerable. This is the internet. You never know who you are talking to, so never assume.

Also, whether SAHMs are vulnerable or not - nobody deserves the disgusting vitriol aimed at them and their families that, I'm afraid, is driven by a certain element on AIBU.

God knows what is so difficult to grasp about that.

MrsBwced I was also replying to someone else's post. I'm not sure why your here if you can't consider others views apart from your own. You and OP seem upset but if something doesn't hold truth why post in the first place OP..
Yes that's how it generally works then other people reply to what you have posted and so on...
You posted and I replied and it seems you didn't care for the reply yet I am the one who cannot consider others views apart from my own 🤔
I'm not upset don't worry still not looking for your sympathy, just killing time while dinner is cooking. Cheers though.

Yes of course "set up for life" are my words. Whose else would they be? If having no active income stream doesn't make you vulnerable in any way, how would you put it?

And yes, some. Not all. Not most. Most people rely on an active income, one way or another. It's relevant when discussing the pros, cons and precautions of being a SAHP.

As several PPs have said, we are all now aware that this doesn't apply to you, so you can rest easy. You'd have to be an idiot to spend time on here and not see why we discuss it.

We know how awful it must be, when people are discussing financial vulnerability, not to have them acknowledge how rich you personally are and how much these concerns don't apply to you. Heartbreaking.

So one more time: when discussing people who would be vulnerable from giving up work, we are not talking about you.

As I said in my first post. Every. Bloody. Time.

Its not that I don't care for your reply. I already stated its nothing personal... to SAHM. The issue is your narrative that your pushing is not the one I'm pushing. I don't know why you and others won't accept the facts if your vulnerable you are exactly that you veered off about parents moaning.... no that wasn't the issue the issue was SAHM having NO income of their own. Very very different to a mum moaning about parenting being busy.... 🤣

@iabr sorry if this has been explained/

but under what circumstances could SAHM be financially independent? Passive incomes through property? Inheritance? Trust fund?

what were your circumstances that meant you were financially independent without working?

we clearly run in very different circles. None of my close friends were stay at home parents - a combination of too ambitious and didn’t want to take the household income hit. I do know two ladies who don’t work - and I think both would be in trouble if their relationship broke down (although clearly I don’t know the ins and outs of their finances, but one lives in rented accommodation and money is already tight).