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To be upset how he's being with our daughter?

43 replies

butterflydress · 11/07/2022 11:13

Myself and ex DP were together 10 years. We split up when DD was 3 months old (she's now 9 months) I left as he could afford the mortgage and I can't.. so we've been staying with family. Family can no longer accommodate us so we've had to move back in with ex.

I thought he would fuss over our daughter and be happy to have her in the same house. Nope. He hasn't offered to bath her once, or feed her. Last night when I got back in from work he said she'd been a "whingy little cow", he said he kept telling her off for going near the dog but she was naughty and would carry on. SHES 9 MONTHS OLD.

He just sits and watches sport all the time.

AIBU to be upset by this?

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30mph · 11/07/2022 11:16

What's your financial status? Are you on the deeds/mortgage? Do you work? Get your practical head on. You have a daughter to prioritise, provide for, and ensure her wellbeing.

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NerrSnerr · 11/07/2022 11:17

He sounds awful. You're clearly only living with him because you had nowhere else to go. You need to find your own place with your baby. Does he work? Is he contributing towards his baby?

You should get help from UC if you're a single parent and you need to put in a claim through CMS (even if he isn't working right now).

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AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2022 11:19

Why did you split up?

What’s your long term plan for housing?

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WinterMusings · 11/07/2022 11:20

Why did you split up?

are you living together as a couple or cobhabitug until... until what?

are you on the deeds?

what do you want to happen?

He has unrealistic expectations of the behaviour of a 9 month old. Has he ever looked after a baby? How old is he?

more questions than answers I'm afraid. Sorry.

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KangarooKenny · 11/07/2022 11:21

You need to move your child out from this situation.

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Discovereads · 11/07/2022 11:22

Honestly, he sounds verbally abusive- You can’t tell off a 9 mo old. He also sounds neglectful- watching sports all day. For your DDs safety, you cannot stay there with your ex partner.

You need to go to citizens advice and start the ball rolling on CMS, UC, housing and also whatever rights you may have to any joint assets (are you on house deeds? Did you buy it with him?)

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queenie2016 · 11/07/2022 11:23

Please dont leave her with him again how awful ! She's 9 month old and his daughter she's obviously in his way of wanting to sit and do nothing, can you put yourself down as homeless with the council to find somewhere ? Or is it possible for you to rent ?

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Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 11/07/2022 11:23

Agree you need to get out. What's your plan for housing? You presumably can't be intending to rely on the good will of others to house you and your child indefinitely?

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butterflydress · 11/07/2022 11:24

We split up for several reason really. He was quite nasty to me, he was being quite perverted, he was sexting another woman behind my back. I was unwell when I was pregnant and he just left me to go on holiday.
He said he "wasn't happy and couldn't imagine being with me for 50 more years" and said it was over.
I only work 2 days a week currently at £9.50ph.
He earns £60k a year.. and has been sending me £300 a month for my daughter and my son who is also his child.
He's 31.

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StridTheKiller · 11/07/2022 11:24

My blood ran cold reading this and I'm not prone to drama. Your DD is at risk. What dog is it?

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butterflydress · 11/07/2022 11:25

Sorry yes I am on the mortgage and the deeds. We got the mortgage together 50/50 in 2014. He's a cockapoo. He's a lovely natured dog but all he had to do was remove the dog from the situation not shout at our daughter who doesn't know better.

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chilledbubble · 11/07/2022 11:25

You'd be unreasonable if you weren't upset by this. Why did your arrangement with your family member fall through? Have you got friends you could sofa surf with for a bit? You say you couldn't afford the mortgage but could you afford a room in a houseshare? Basically you need to get away from him and the whole dog thing sounds dangerous, he's not intervening just moaning at a 9 month old?!

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butterflydress · 11/07/2022 11:25

I want our own place but I just cannot afford it. I'm currently on the council house list .

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chilledbubble · 11/07/2022 11:27

butterflydress · 11/07/2022 11:25

Sorry yes I am on the mortgage and the deeds. We got the mortgage together 50/50 in 2014. He's a cockapoo. He's a lovely natured dog but all he had to do was remove the dog from the situation not shout at our daughter who doesn't know better.

So are you able to give authority by yourself to sell the house? Or does it need both of you? I'd sell the house.

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butterflydress · 11/07/2022 11:27

I think both of us need to give permission to sell?

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chilledbubble · 11/07/2022 11:27

You must have a fair bit of money tied up in the house by now, you need to get your 50% of that really.

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chilledbubble · 11/07/2022 11:28

Have you asked him if he would sell?

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KangarooKenny · 11/07/2022 11:28

Get onto the HV and explain the situation, ask for help to get housed quicker.

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WTF475878237NC · 11/07/2022 11:28

Personally I would be asking friends or family to take the dog until you and baby can move out. This man is horrible.

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Discovereads · 11/07/2022 11:28

You might want to call Womens Aid then and go to a domestic violence shelter for the time being. This will help move you up the council house list and keep your DD safe from your ex and the dog.

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Quartz2208 · 11/07/2022 11:28

Have you had legal advice regarding the house - because that is what you need I think

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Fenella123 · 11/07/2022 11:36

Yes, you can go to court and force a sale - possibly other options - CMS and solicitor now I'm afraid.

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Serenity45 · 11/07/2022 11:36

YANBU OP and he sounds like a shit excuse for a father. Some great pointers above. It strikes me that (depending on the exact circumstances of course) he might be significantly underpaying child maintenance, based on what the CMS would calculate. I did a quick test and if he has no other children he pays for and doesn't have your children overnight then it's closer to £780 per month. This might make a difference in terms of your own calculations for alternative accommodation, especially as you're on a low income at the moment.

Rights of Women have some great resources available free of charge

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HollowTalk · 11/07/2022 11:40

I just ran a quick calculation and it said £550 per month. It would be a good idea to do one yourself, OP, and get the hell away from him.

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butterflydress · 11/07/2022 11:46

I haven't got any legal advice yet as I wasn't sure where to start or I could afford it, and I expect them to say if I can't afford the house I can't keep it?
I've been claiming UC but if my name is still on the mortgage that will stop soon as it's classed as an income apparently.
He paid for the dog and wouldn't let me do anything with him, he doesn't walk it and he's so skinny. He leaves it all day long too. I feel sorry for the poor thing to be honest.

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