...for thinking that it's unfair when parents favour one adult child financially/ worry more about them?

[SpicyBurrito]

Let's say this set of parents have 3 adult kids. Two have good jobs and earn about twice as much as the youngest. This isn't a privilege, it was earned with hard work on their part and careful career projection.

The youngest has always been more distant from them, more self-centered and hedonistic, less career-oriented. She has had several average and below-average jobs. As for savings, she never had more than two monthly salaries' worth in her account (in her own words). This she blames on the job market, of course, however she doesn't hesitate to travel constantly, buy tickets for expensive events, go to restaurants regularly, and so on. She consistently complains to her parents about her job situation and how it's "impossible to sabe money".

One of the older siblings managed to save enough to buy a car and buy a house even though her income was as low as her sister's for a long time. She saved, improved her skills and changed jobs until reaching her more favourable current situation. The parents did not contribute financially more than a present here and there.

However, once this older sibling bought a car, the youngest got a car from her parents for free. Once she got an apartment, the parents started PRESSURING the youngest to buy one until she gave in, and they literally payed for half of it. They surprisingly admitted that they would have gladly paid for all of it ("whatever suits you best"), but she refused—I'm assuming because she was worried that she'd be perceived as a leech by the rest of the family or because she suspects this "present" is not for free as the parents expect affection/ attention in exchange.

This has bred resentment and disbelief in the older siblings and has had a negative impact on family relationships. The parents seem to feel a special compassion for their youngest and are always very anxious to help her. Also this seems to be the way the parents "buy" a place in her life. The oldest kids are normally more family-oriented and they visit regularly, so they feel taken for granted. Also the mother is way more physically affectionate towards the youngest. Simply put, she's the baby of the family and must be taken care of, poor baby.

Are the older siblings unreasonable for thinking this is unfair, despite the fact that they are better off financially than the youngest child?

P.S. If you think IABU indeed, please be kind enough to reflect in your answer if you favoured one of your own children over another and why. Thanks!

Financially, yes it's unfair to favour one child.

Worrying about them.... I wasn't sure if you meant worrying about their finances or worry in general- I suppose I do worry more for my DS as he is neurodivergent and I fear what kind of life and extra difficulties that may bring.
Having said that I worry about the impact on DD and the "normal" aspects of a preteen life, but I would say most of my day is taken up by thoughts of how DS is doing at school/club/another environment. I couldn't tell you if that's unreasonable (I guess, on the face of it
, it is) but that's for other people to decide!

Hi BigRedDuck. Thanks for your reply. The situation you describe is different. IMO, it's normal to worry more about a neurodivergent child/ any child with special needs, as long as the other children receive their share of attention. Unfortunately, the world is a hostile place for people who have an extra vulnerability. Again, IMHO, in this case, it's important to make the other siblings aware of this reality.

In the case I'm describing, all 3 children are fully functional adults who happen to have different priorities in life.

How do you know the youngest child hasn't had more problems/difficulties/neuro diversities than you can begin to imagine.

Our dd is very high functioning. DS knows about half of it. Half of it because he is a caring, empathic sort of chap.

You have no idea what it may have taken your sister to get to this point and the anxieties your parents may have been through.

Green is a very unflattering shade.

nah it isn’t unreasonable
I think some parents genuinely don’t realise that their favouritism is really obvious

YANBU, I don't think it's unusual and a lot of parents probably don't even realise they're being unfair.

The only situation where I can see it being "fair" to give one child more than others is if that child has disabilities or mental health issues which mean it is not possible for them to work and/or live a full life without additional financial help.

I agree, it's shit, all should be treated equally

Is it unfair - yes.

BUT is she really benefitting? Materialistically, yes but they are enabling her lifestyle so I would imagine it’s v hard for her to be a sensible, functioning adult with the level of interference they’re having… actually the fact that she didn’t take the offer of full payment for her apartment shows that she’s aware of their help being inappropriate.

Im not saying you shouldn’t be angry about it, but I do think it might help you to reframe it - I don’t think they love her more, I think they think her less capable and honestly, that’s sad

I would certainly subsidise a child who had less than the others.
It isn't your money, your parents x an spend it how they see fit

My DSis has received way more financial help from our DM than I've ever had, but I can't get worked up about it. DSis and I are extremely close, but it just so happens that our lives have panned out very differently. She got divorced from her awful DH when her boys were little, whereas I've been with my DH for 20+ years now.
DH and I have benefitted from an inheritance from his side, his salary has naturally increased over the years, and we were lucky to be able to buy our first home together before house prices went crazy. We also sold up in the SE in 2015 and moved North. We're reasonably comfortable financially.

My DSis has raised her 2 boys on her own, as a single parent living in rented accommodation. She works hard but, like many, has too much month at the end of the money. Ex-Bil, whilst being a very involved parent over the years, has contributed only the very bare minimum.

I'm glad that my DM has been able to help her out. I don't need it, she does. It's as simple as that.

RosesAndHellebores: How do I know? So according to your reasoning, siblings are oblivious to eachother's realities? One of the very few people that have known you since the day you were born and have shared everyday life with you for at least 18 years, has no clue if/ that you are neurodivergent or the kind of anxieties and challenges you faced growing up, and how that impacts you and your parents and family life for everyone?? That's ridiculous. As young kids, some things might be harder to understand, but by the time kids reach adulthood it's all pretty clear.

You do whatever you please with your finances and attention, but trust your DS to get the full picture once he's an adult—regarding both your own actions and his sister's struggles. Envy is indeed an ugly feeling to have, and some parents' favouritism leads to it destroying families.

No, she's not neurodivergent. And yes, a sisters WOULD know. I know about the anxieties our parents went through. They were excessive and motivated by their special sensitivity towards her.

Even if they hadn't have worked as hard as the others? And been a spendthrift? Everyone can live life as they choose, but shouldn't be rewarded for poor life choices. And I suggest that any parent who has a favourite and it's very obvious and unfair on the others, is not a good parent. Children should feel and be treated equally.

Yes, I know... I have thought about this frequently. I like being financially independent and don't like to be babied. Still it hurts to know they never even as much as offered me the money (which I would have probably turned down). They were saving it for her.

I also just found out that they had been planning to buy her a house for a long time before I got mine, even though I was a in stable relationship and ready to settle down.

Yanbu.

It's a bit of a cliche but it's a true one: everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Just because one sibling is more vocal, or makes a fuss, or acts more incapable, doesn't mean necessarily mean they've had it tougher than the other siblings. The fact is, some people do work harder, make more effort, take more personal responsibility.
Why should they be financially penalised for that?

That sounds like it is eating you up and you seriously dislike your sister. She has different priorities in life and is not as sensible as you with money, but that any reason to hate her?

it helps me that i don't expect fairness, not from my parents or in other families. I feel I'm in a battle to create fairness for DC. When I explain how I want to make things fair, most MNers strongly disagree with me & DH agrees with the MNers.
So my idea of fairness is not same as other people's.
I think their idea of fair is grossly wrong.
Hence I'm bound to get it wrong by some standard.

No way I'm going to tell others how to spend their money & that includes not telling my own parents how to spend their money on their kids/step-kids & grandchildren.

@SpicyBurrito - I'm pulling you up I'm afraid. Your post was shocking in its assumption and you sound both judgemental and unkind. DS is 3.5 years older than DD. Her problems with depression and anxiety arose when she was 15. He went to university when she was 14. He wasn't here when she was cutting and overdosing and had a psychotic episode. He was aware there were problems and she needed help. I wouldn’t imagine you to understand how relieved I was when he started his PhD at the her undergrad uni and he was never far away. He knows about the ADHD, he knows she needs a little more support than him and finds stuff more challenging.

He knows I visited her at uni every month and that she never had to get the coach home. He knows she got a two year old car when she passed her test compared to his 10 year old one. He at least understands he was 18 and she was 22 and there was an insurance difference.

He accepts her quirks. He accepts she is a little more vulnerable than him. He is intelligent enough that equality means making adjustments to allow everyone to access the same things.

If he ends up on £200k and needs little or no help we will be glad. If dd ends up on £45k and may need some help I would feel a failure as a mother if DS kicked off over it.

Hi JockTamsonsBairns, thanks for your comment.

That's indeed very noble of you. I can tell that your parents fostered a good relationship between you two.

We have a similar situation in our extended family. All siblings are on board with the parents' decisions, and they are actually included in the decision making process. This is IMO what families are for—to protect each other when needed, to act as a team.

I would be willing to give my sister a leg up myself if she were in your sister's situation. Sometimes life deals you a bad hand. But I honestly don't think this is the case with her.

But they are not children, they are grown women.If it makes the parents happy to feel all their children are on the property ladder, then it isn't the ops place to tell her mother what she can and can't spend her money on

Meh I couldn't get worked up over this.. as a parent if two of my children were financially stable and one wasn't ( regardless of the reasons) why . I would step it to help if Kwan's in a position to. I'd hope my other children would be relieved more than anything . I have a brother who sounds similar to your sister and I know my parents are planning on leaving him the family home which I think is a great idea and a relief to me that he will hopefully always have a home. You seems so resentful of her and of your parents. It's a horrible emotion and will only eat you up inside .

YANBU favouritism sucks.

Similar situation in my family, my DB is the youngest (mid 30s), is babied, lazy and has achieved nothing in life, no job, no SEN. My parents bought him a 3 bed house, did it up and now he slobs around in it while they pay all the bills, go round to put the bins out and clean, do his washing etc.

There reasoning was it was unfair I owned a home (an ex-council house that was falling apart, no help from them).

I used to get worked up about the inequality, they would tut about how selfish I was not wanting my DB to have a good life. So all I do is try my best to be fair with my own kids and try to rise above it, its always been the same and is unlikely to change and me getting angry about it wastes more of my time and energy.

Yeah, it’s unfair. I understand if parents want to ensure a minimum quality of life for their kids - so would subsidize a lower earning kid more to buy a house or car. I mean it’s a genetic lottery who has good health or abilities.

But if the kid is spendthrift (and choosing not to save or actively going into debt, then it seems like a bit of a waste to subsidize them). Wouldn’t it be better to put it into their pension or whatever - so that you spread the support out (so they can have some money when they need it)? In any case, I think the best way of ensuring your child’s support in the future is to try and foster good sibling relations. Treating kids markedly differently (unless one has health/developmental issues) is probably not going to help.

I'm leaving more money to one adult child than other. She's an NHS single mum, works her arse off since 18, has brought up 2 lovely girls on her own. I want her to be able to buy a property, so that's why she'll get more than her comfortably off brother. He knows. I've always regularly treated her to a shopping delivery or takeaway, just to help out. Some of our children need more support than others. Life is not fair.

My parents do worry and help me more financially than my brothers. I wouldn’t say they favour me but I need more help and support than they do. Theres various factors to why they do and my brothers get it and it really doesn’t bother them. My brothers are just as protective as me as my parents. We didn’t grow up with much financially but anything we did get we shared that’s just what we did. We would fight like crazy all the time but we have always looked out for one another. Me and my sister every week got pocket money from them when they left school and got jobs to make sure we had the same as everyone else at school. My sister passed away in 2020 unexpectedly she was only 37 and it hit us all hard. My brothers are in such a better position than me both financially due to me having to give up work as I have an incurable progressive condition. My parents would be the same with any of my brothers if they had the hand that life has dealt me.

yanbu this is how resentment grows and a lot of them go no contact with their parents. I believe its not the financial help but the thought and care process that wasn't there for one child but is for the favoured child the most hurtful part.

like ok she got given the house but what about asking how you are coping financially or maybe the thought of if I give a down-payment of 5k it will lower your burden on a day to day.

has this just started in adulthood or was there always a favourite growing up too? Have you ever been given a turn at being the favoured child? Is there a scapegoat child too? Are the needs (think wider than just financial needs) and wants of the other siblings totally ignored while DB is always focused on intently? If any of the above are true yanbu.

otherwise if this is a new behaviour from your parents Yabu. Children need different types support at different times. As long as your DPs also support you when you need it, even if that may be in a different way to you siblings, then it’s just parenting multiple children.