...for thinking that it's unfair when parents favour one adult child financially/ worry more about them?

[SpicyBurrito]

Let's say this set of parents have 3 adult kids. Two have good jobs and earn about twice as much as the youngest. This isn't a privilege, it was earned with hard work on their part and careful career projection.

The youngest has always been more distant from them, more self-centered and hedonistic, less career-oriented. She has had several average and below-average jobs. As for savings, she never had more than two monthly salaries' worth in her account (in her own words). This she blames on the job market, of course, however she doesn't hesitate to travel constantly, buy tickets for expensive events, go to restaurants regularly, and so on. She consistently complains to her parents about her job situation and how it's "impossible to sabe money".

One of the older siblings managed to save enough to buy a car and buy a house even though her income was as low as her sister's for a long time. She saved, improved her skills and changed jobs until reaching her more favourable current situation. The parents did not contribute financially more than a present here and there.

However, once this older sibling bought a car, the youngest got a car from her parents for free. Once she got an apartment, the parents started PRESSURING the youngest to buy one until she gave in, and they literally payed for half of it. They surprisingly admitted that they would have gladly paid for all of it ("whatever suits you best"), but she refused—I'm assuming because she was worried that she'd be perceived as a leech by the rest of the family or because she suspects this "present" is not for free as the parents expect affection/ attention in exchange.

This has bred resentment and disbelief in the older siblings and has had a negative impact on family relationships. The parents seem to feel a special compassion for their youngest and are always very anxious to help her. Also this seems to be the way the parents "buy" a place in her life. The oldest kids are normally more family-oriented and they visit regularly, so they feel taken for granted. Also the mother is way more physically affectionate towards the youngest. Simply put, she's the baby of the family and must be taken care of, poor baby.

Are the older siblings unreasonable for thinking this is unfair, despite the fact that they are better off financially than the youngest child?

P.S. If you think IABU indeed, please be kind enough to reflect in your answer if you favoured one of your own children over another and why. Thanks!

Sorry that should be DS not DB

I am one of three sisters. For many years the other two were sure I was getting more than them from my parents.

My elder sister fell out with me for two years over it, and my younger sister sided with her.

Fast forward a few years and me and the younger sister are NC with our Mum, while older sister carries on pretended that we weren't all victims of my Mum's horrific abuse.

She will likely inherit all of my Mim's vast wealth, while me and my famiy are loosing our home because I became a ft carer for my disabled son two years ago.

Beware family dysfunction op. Just live your own life and be glad you can afford it without relying on your parents.

So if one of your cvhildren failed to take advantage of what's offered to them in the way of education you would be happy to condone this by subsidising it? It seems here that the youngest sibling has been happy to be lazy and let their parents encourage it.

My parents treatment of me and my brother is similar to what the OP describes. I am financially stable and didn't get help with house deposit etc, my brother has had several failed businesses and has been bailed out by my parents a number of times, and they still give him money very regularly.
Most of his misfortune is completely his own fault, through being reckless and not thinking things through, plus every time he gets money he immediately spends it - new cars, motorbikes, holidays, super expensive pet that he then gives away because he can't look after it!
I don't see it as favoritism though - my parents just don't want to see my brother homeless or bankrupt! If I was as much of an idiot as him I'm sure they would be helping me out too.

Absolutely. It's knowing that they they worry more about her (without being neurodivergent/ having health issues) and just feel like she's some sort of victim that needs to be saved. It makes me feel like me and my DB are not as worthy of their love and attention as her, and that stings.

Well, I am sorry if my comment was unkind, but so was your assumption that I don't know the alleged challenges my sister faced growing up and how realistically/ unrealistically those challenges were perceived by my parents, and also your suggestion that I was "green" with envy. I don't know what your relationship with your son is like, but you say he wasn't there when she had a crisis. In my family, we would have been emotionally involved by my parents in something like this even after moving out of the house.

You DD has health issues. OD'ing due to emotional distress is no joke. This is not the case with my sister. I was there growing up, I know her and I know my parents. Both me and my brother had our own struggles just like everybody. We chose to work hard. We never acted like we were entitled to a certain lifestyle. Her lifestyle is not crazy but she spends every penny, then gets my parents' savings. During the time that I was making the same salary as a her, I managed to save around 30% of it monthly and eventually saved for a deposit for my first house. It's not that I don't like traveling and going out, it's that I had a goal and I took ownership of my life. Then I have to listen to her say that it's impossible to save a penny with her income. Sorry but that doesn't feel fair.

I would rather be in your position.

Maybe as she's the youngest her parents put her in a position of learned helplessness so they won't have an empty nest, and now she's reliant on their help.

That's nothing to envy.

I hear you OP

In cases where one sibling has good prospects and has made a good life for themself while another sibling hasn't, it's easy to assume that the second one is inherently more 'in need' and worthy of help.

In some cases such as where there's a significant disability, this might be true.

But often it's the case that the siblings start off from pretty much the same baseline, have the same opportunities open to them, but make different life choices. Let's face it, some people choose to work harder than others. Some people choose to invest in long term security such as house, while others spend their money in different ways. It's so wrong for parents to assume they know all the ins and outs of their adult children's lives and to think that if one child appears more needy then that automatically means they're more deserving of help.

I can relate to this with my own adult kids. If you met them, on the face of it ds2 is more needy than ds 1. Ds 1 is saving a deposit in the hope of buying a home, he has a good job and a strong relationship. Ds 2 works in low paid jobs and Never seems to have two pennies to rub together. The reality is that ds2 is just as bright as ds1 but has made different life choices. He doesn't want the responsibility of a professional career so doesn't get the salary that ds 1 gets. I'd consider myself a shit parent if on this basis I decided to fund ds 2 to get the lifestyle ds 1 has. If ds2 wants it, he can create it for himself

Yes it's unfair, but it isn't anything to do with youngest/eldest. In my family, the eldest is the only one who has ever had to rely on our parents for financial support and even at nearly 50 with two adult children, she is still dependant on my mum. She has a good job too. She's never had any savings at all. Whenever she has come into any money she's blown it on a holiday, drugs, alcohol or clothes. I once went round and she asked me if I wanted to buy some clothes off her as she had bags and bags of unopened packages that she couldn't afford but had left it too late to return them.

You are all adults though and it's up to your parents how they spend their money. Are you worried your inheritance is being spent?

I’m the unfavoured one, financially, emotionally and physically. It’s moved on to our children now, so as a result I can’t have a relationship with my parents. I love them, I care about them. But we cannot have a functioning relationship.

the crux of it is, my sister is needy and I’ve had to just get on with it. If I ask for help they are busy helping my sister, or I am aware of the financial help they are giving her so cannot ask for help for me. so I gave up asking. Then it’s self perpetuating. I see it with friends kids as well, and I see how it’s easily done. I have had the much tougher life, yet it’s always “oh your poor sister, we have to help her”.

it’s hard.

As a parent of adult children the answer is that we don’t treat them the same because they are different people who have different needs. One earns significantly more and has a partner also earning very well. They simply don’t need our financial help.

The other works hard but is in a lower paid role as is his partner. We’ve been fortunate enough to be able to assist them and will continue to do so.

We will keep a record of any large sums we give and when we are both gone our will have a ‘hotpotch’ agreement which means the amount we have given to child B will be deducted from his share of his inheritance to equalise their share. However I suspect child A won’t allow that and will disregard the sums we’ve given.

In your situation it seems that you feel less loved and appreciated which is driving this resentment.

I voted YABU because if you have enough you have enough. Like, I have a house, why do I care if my parents help my sister buy one? All I would have is more money. And I have the skills to earn more money.

FWIW my sibling was a waster until their late 20s and had more financial help than me. They now earn double my salary. Good for them. My parents helped them when they needed it and hey helped me when I did. Just because our needs were different doesnt mean they have to be equal.

Stuff like this makes me glad not to give my child a sibling as there will never be sibling rivalry.

The way i see it, my attitude reflects who I am and hers reflects hers. The money is irrelevant. My parents know I am there for them and they know she is out for herself. I feel sorry for then having a child like that. Having more off mum and dad doesnt change that.

"This she blames on the job market, of course"

Hilarious, this is literally the best job market for decades. Employees in short supply.

YANBU. It’s mad to me that so many parents give their kids cars and houses on a plate anyway (if they are disabled/neurodiverse etc, that’s obviously a different situation). It’s no surprise you’re feeling resentful, sounds like your sister needs the absolute opposite parenting to what she’s receiving and to learn to fend and provide for herself.

YANBY My DH is not the favourite, it’s destroyed his relationship with his parents. Mil regularly asks him to give money to her favoured child. The whole family revolves around favoured child. It’s rubbish and unfair. Your parents will reap what they sow if you’ve always been closer and this causes you to disengage.

The way i see it, my attitude reflects who I am and hers reflects hers. The money is irrelevant. My parents know I am there for them and they know she is out for herself. I feel sorry for then having a child like that. Having more off mum and dad doesnt change that.

Ok, this is fair. The main difference is that your parents know the difference between you two. I doubt that is the case with us. They just have a special spot in their heart for her.

Have you raised the inequality with your parents? They should treat you all equally even if it's putting more money aside for you in inheritance etc