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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I wrote a poem about being an ASD parent.

62 replies

Jilliebean · 10/07/2022 13:35

I posted in creative writing but it got no response.
I've never posted anything like this before and I know it's not exactly Keats.
Maybe you'll feel it though, if like me, your child isn't like the other kids. If you read it, thank you 💐

My kid doesn't get to be like yours.

My kid has to queue and wait in line, yet yours kicks off and gets put in front of mine.
My kid doesn't have me home constantly, some of us need to have real jobs, you see.
My kid's teacher spends ages talking just to you, but my kid just runs into school without a fuss or two.
My kid can't upset younger kids by staying on the little rides.
My kid doesn't get unique activities to play, with their own staff sitting by their side.
My kid didn't get extra praise for learning to write their name.
My kid wasn't made a fuss of, for wearing appropriate clothing for the rain.
My kid eats what they're given, they're not spoilt like yours.
My kid has to go to sleep at 8,
it's your fault yours stays up late,
just tell them 'night and close the doors.
My kid would never hurt another kid, your kid should know their place.
My kid would know better, than to moan or flap,
when other kids are playing in their space.

Your child sounds wonderful, a real credit to you.
My child can't communicate with me, in ways yours is able to do.
I don't know if they're too hot or cold, scared of dogs, or the lollipop man.
Must be wonderful to have a child who explains their feelings, in the way yours can.
Your child wears a coat when walking in the rain through town, it must be great not to worry about the ever impending meltdown.
Your child doesn't have a reason for a sunflower lanyard?
Such a shame I need mine, or you could have used ours.
My child will need a pram, until they're in a wheelchair.
My child will be vulnerable throughout their entire life, they won't even let a barber cut their hair.
Your child goes to bed at 8 and then you don't hear a peep? Without my child's medication, they won't stay in their bed, let alone sleep.
Your child can play with toys alone, they're able to play and pretend?
That is really something. My child may never fall in love or even have a true friend.
My child might never understand a fairytale.
They may not ever sit still for me to read a story until the end.
My child may always attack me, if they're confused by colours, tastes or sound.
If my child gets too anxious, they throw themselves to the ground.
My child may harm themselves out of confusion, sadness or fright.
If my child has harmed yours, it's not through temper, anger or through spite.
Try to have compassion, in my child's world things are scary, things aren't always right.
Your kid may enjoy nurture classes or visiting forest school sites, but be grateful your kid gets by without just fine. Your kid is doing alright.
My kid doesnt get to be like yours,
Nor yours like mine.
And that keeps only one of us up, crying late at night.

OP posts:
bluelavender · 11/07/2022 11:48

OP it's a beautiful poem that shines a light on some of the many prejudices our children face.

Some of your first stanza could have been taken from recent mumsnet posts! (Perhaps there's enough material there for a sequel?

And to posters who find this poem too negative- Art is supposed to be about self expression and gives space to tackle complex issues.

I have big hopes for our ASD child. That he'll be able to live independently; have a career he will enjoy and be able to have a fulfilling life. But to help him get there; we need to be realistic about the challenges he faces; including the social isolation from presenting and acting differently to his peers. My son needs support in a learning environment. With the right support; hopefully we'll do ok.

I think his life would be easier if he was invited to the occasional birthday party or if the playground mums would make eye contact. Or if other children weren't constantly telling him that he's not allowed to have toys on the desk (they are approved sensory items that are in his SEN plan). Or if he could just be given a bit of space sometimes in the playground; rather than people making a game of winding him up.

And, before people tell me that I'm negative or (in need of therapy) I couldn't be prouder of my darling son. Who used a scribe at his SATs (and passed!) Who has benefits enormously from forest school. Who was really struggling to go to school earlier this year (and to our lovely teacher who would come and do a gentle handover)

With many areas of disability; the environment around us can make us more disabled. For people with mobility issues; this can be addressed with ramps and lifts. For neurodivise people; the attitudes of others could go a long way to make this a much better society to be in

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 11/07/2022 11:48

Lindy2 · 11/07/2022 09:58

"And that keeps only one of us up, crying late at night."

The last line is very poignant for me.

I don't think the quietly tutting, eye rolling parents, or even the teachers, ever really think about this.

Yes I totally agree the last line totally makes it.

If your kids are small I would offer some hope that whilst ND people vary massively we are often able to do lots of things its just that the stuff that should be easy can be excruciatingly difficult and take us a long time to manage.

Loving someone who can't make eye contact or even always bear to be touched is challenging but just like parents romantic parents can can manage it too (if you find someone who's the right kind of weird for you)

x2boys · 11/07/2022 12:01

Why do people have to be do negative?
The Op has written a poem about her experience of having a child with autism not about everybody, s experience of autism
My son has severe autism and learning and and at a special school ,so we don't get comments from other parents about his behaviour etc ,but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate where the Op is coming from .

Fladdermus · 11/07/2022 12:02

Thereisnolight · 11/07/2022 09:59

Are you a parent of a child who is disabled? For ANY reason?

OP, I loved your poem! Very clever and moving.

I have 2 autistic children and I agree with @CelestiaNoctis To me it paints autistic children in a very negative light.

x2boys · 11/07/2022 12:07

Fladdermus · 11/07/2022 12:02

I have 2 autistic children and I agree with @CelestiaNoctis To me it paints autistic children in a very negative light.

She's written a poem about her own child and her own experience, not your children or your experience, s
As we all know Autism is such a huge spectrum
And if you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism.

Fladdermus · 11/07/2022 12:16

x2boys · 11/07/2022 12:07

She's written a poem about her own child and her own experience, not your children or your experience, s
As we all know Autism is such a huge spectrum
And if you have met one person with autism you have met one person with autism.

And she's posted in AIBU asking for people's opinions if their 'child isn't like the other kids' and if they feel it too. Well I don't feel it.

earlydoors42 · 11/07/2022 12:17

My child has type 1 diabetes rather than ASD but I can relate to some of the comments people make. Great poem.

x2boys · 11/07/2022 12:18

Fladdermus · 11/07/2022 12:16

And she's posted in AIBU asking for people's opinions if their 'child isn't like the other kids' and if they feel it too. Well I don't feel it.

Which is absolutely fine ,but clearly some people do.

Misspacorabanne · 11/07/2022 12:19

I love that op! From a mum of a little boy also with autism! 💙

Jilliebean · 11/07/2022 12:20

Jesus. You'd think I'd written I hate my kid.

Autism is such a massive spectrum.
My child has been described as "going from 1 to 100" during meltdowns.
That's not true, he's always hovering around a 70, he's just trying to keep a lid on it.
I can enjoy and embrace my sons wonderful nature and I enjoy him more than anyone will ever know. But if I could take his anxiety, give him a level of understanding so his little world wasn't so small or scary, I'd literally hand my soul over to Satan.
I am very positive about who he is, his passions, his beautiful personality. But watching him fear things to the point of self harm, even things such as the sunshine, it breaks my heart and if you're privileged enough to have never seen your child try and smash their own head open because a change in temperature is to much for them, good for you, but my baby has and may do again.
I'm allowed to have feelings that aren't completely positive about that.

I'm not replying again but those who've been kind, sent me messages, you're the loveliest and thank you so much for letting me share my thoughts and rhymes with you. If I was ten years younger I may have done a tiktok rap 🤣🤣

Thanks again for your kindness xx

OP posts:
Vanessashanessajenkins2 · 11/07/2022 12:22

Oh gosh, I'm crying. It was such a deep meaningful poem. My little one might be autistic and has a speech delay so I am worried for the future.

54isanopendoor · 11/07/2022 12:30

Axahooxa · 11/07/2022 01:15

It’s a poem reflecting the OP’s experiences and feelings- all of which are valid and very relatable for a lot of us- me included.

A child’s autism is inseparable from them.

It’s not healthy to celebrate having an autistic child all the time, when a lot of the time it’s intensely difficult and grueling for parents. It’s healthy to share the truth.

I love my teenage daughter. I find parenting her very hard, largely due to her autism- It impacts my life considerably.Both are acceptable feelings.

What an important post.

OP - I think your poem is well written & expresses your experience.
As the (now sole as exH found it 'too hard') parent of 2 children with Autism I can relate to it.

@Axahooxa - your post is very important.

I have two young people in my care. 1 is nearly 18. 1 is nearly 15. Both are verbal (but 1 has a dx of 'selective mutism' - ie she loses her ability to speak under the slightest stress / pressure the source of which she cannot explain to me so I can help so it's really difficult). Both these young people are AMAZING. like, 'could change the world if given the chance' amazing. Their Autism is a big part of that.
But the way 'the world' responds is not AMAZING. They are bullied horribly, not supported (in any of hte places we've lived & tried), have no close friends, may never form a loving adult partnership or hold down a job / yet alone a career.

THAT is a burden for them, & as a parent trying to support them (well after an NT child would have 'flown') it is a burden for me.. NOT them. NOT their Autism. But the way it is viewed / they are treated out in the world.

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