Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I wrote a poem about being an ASD parent.

62 replies

Jilliebean · 10/07/2022 13:35

I posted in creative writing but it got no response.
I've never posted anything like this before and I know it's not exactly Keats.
Maybe you'll feel it though, if like me, your child isn't like the other kids. If you read it, thank you 💐

My kid doesn't get to be like yours.

My kid has to queue and wait in line, yet yours kicks off and gets put in front of mine.
My kid doesn't have me home constantly, some of us need to have real jobs, you see.
My kid's teacher spends ages talking just to you, but my kid just runs into school without a fuss or two.
My kid can't upset younger kids by staying on the little rides.
My kid doesn't get unique activities to play, with their own staff sitting by their side.
My kid didn't get extra praise for learning to write their name.
My kid wasn't made a fuss of, for wearing appropriate clothing for the rain.
My kid eats what they're given, they're not spoilt like yours.
My kid has to go to sleep at 8,
it's your fault yours stays up late,
just tell them 'night and close the doors.
My kid would never hurt another kid, your kid should know their place.
My kid would know better, than to moan or flap,
when other kids are playing in their space.

Your child sounds wonderful, a real credit to you.
My child can't communicate with me, in ways yours is able to do.
I don't know if they're too hot or cold, scared of dogs, or the lollipop man.
Must be wonderful to have a child who explains their feelings, in the way yours can.
Your child wears a coat when walking in the rain through town, it must be great not to worry about the ever impending meltdown.
Your child doesn't have a reason for a sunflower lanyard?
Such a shame I need mine, or you could have used ours.
My child will need a pram, until they're in a wheelchair.
My child will be vulnerable throughout their entire life, they won't even let a barber cut their hair.
Your child goes to bed at 8 and then you don't hear a peep? Without my child's medication, they won't stay in their bed, let alone sleep.
Your child can play with toys alone, they're able to play and pretend?
That is really something. My child may never fall in love or even have a true friend.
My child might never understand a fairytale.
They may not ever sit still for me to read a story until the end.
My child may always attack me, if they're confused by colours, tastes or sound.
If my child gets too anxious, they throw themselves to the ground.
My child may harm themselves out of confusion, sadness or fright.
If my child has harmed yours, it's not through temper, anger or through spite.
Try to have compassion, in my child's world things are scary, things aren't always right.
Your kid may enjoy nurture classes or visiting forest school sites, but be grateful your kid gets by without just fine. Your kid is doing alright.
My kid doesnt get to be like yours,
Nor yours like mine.
And that keeps only one of us up, crying late at night.

OP posts:
BoardLikeAMirror · 11/07/2022 00:32

Thank you, NippyWoowoo for your explanation to a PP - I was puzzling over it for a while, but it makes perfect sense now I see it is two different parents narrating the sections. I'm not a parent but I see what the OP is getting at - OP, you sound like a brilliant, understanding parent.

CelestiaNoctis · 11/07/2022 00:50

What an awful poem. Way to make autism sound like an absolute burden and as if your child is lesser 🤢.

elliejjtiny · 11/07/2022 00:50

It's beautiful OP, I love it.

Mum of 3 autistic sons.

JustJoinedRightNow · 11/07/2022 00:57

I think it’s a beautiful poem OP. I work with autistic children and it sounds like what some of my parents go through.

Ihatethenewlook · 11/07/2022 01:01

It’s not for me either

Ihatethenewlook · 11/07/2022 01:03

CelestiaNoctis · 11/07/2022 00:50

What an awful poem. Way to make autism sound like an absolute burden and as if your child is lesser 🤢.

I agree. There’s a difference between a child and their conditions.

Axahooxa · 11/07/2022 01:15

It’s a poem reflecting the OP’s experiences and feelings- all of which are valid and very relatable for a lot of us- me included.

A child’s autism is inseparable from them.

It’s not healthy to celebrate having an autistic child all the time, when a lot of the time it’s intensely difficult and grueling for parents. It’s healthy to share the truth.

I love my teenage daughter. I find parenting her very hard, largely due to her autism- It impacts my life considerably.Both are acceptable feelings.

Jilliebean · 11/07/2022 07:36

He isn't lesser and its gross to suggest he is. His life experiences will be limited to what he can cope with, who wants that for their child? Probably the "special children for special mummies" brigade and they're really not my jam.
Being a parent is hard, amazing but hard.
Watching the one person you'd die for without hesitation throw their head to the floor because they've misplaced a yellow block and they're about to concust themselves kills me. If you aren't able to relate, good.
If you can, if you to worry your baby is going to hurt themselves beyond measure over a misplaced yellow block, I'm really sorry. Because without that anxiety and profound stress on your child's life, things for your wee ones would be so much nicer.

Everyone who reacted with kindness, it's much appreciated xx

OP posts:
unicormb · 11/07/2022 07:54

This is just a list of all the things your child struggles with and how it makes them different from other kids. I hope it made you feel better to get that all out, but as PP have suggested, it's probably a good idea to have therapy if you're dwelling on this stuff all the time. I'm not denying that the differences exist, at all, but there's no positivity at all. Surely you must enjoy your child sometimes?

My child is a few years older, and our whole philosophy around raising them is to focus on what they can do, and making them happy, while quietly helping them with their struggles.

If you say it's a poem I guess it's a poem, but just because the last word of each line rhymes, not because of any other discernible poetic quality.

Focus on the things you adore about your child. Write a new poem about that.

RedPlumbob · 11/07/2022 07:54

CelestiaNoctis · 11/07/2022 00:50

What an awful poem. Way to make autism sound like an absolute burden and as if your child is lesser 🤢.

Nah sorry, you’re wrong.

I’m Autistic, and have autistic children.

Usually, anything from an NT parents perspective is offensive and upsetting.

This is beautiful.

Incywincyspi · 11/07/2022 08:07

Jeez some horrible posters on here today. Some of the neuro typical mums want us to get back in our neuro diverse box with our kids and stfu except if we celebrate their differences. You do know poetry and art doesn’t always have to celebrate everything. It can be an expression of pain, regret and sorrow

Jilliebean · 11/07/2022 08:08

It didn't need to be a poetic masterpiece, it's my first poem.

I don't dwell, at all. I don't need therapy and if I did, I'd seek it.

I have files and folders of things my son can or has done, including sharing on a private FB I have for when he's older. I use it as a journal.

I guess parents of ND kids aren't allowed to hurt when their kids are struggling. Only mumsnet 😂

OP posts:
Incywincyspi · 11/07/2022 08:45

Exactly @Jilliebean im sure you could write all about the things you love in your child and it’s very clear you DO love them. Sometimes though it’s a release to communicate that pain and grief that lives within us every day xxx

Jilliebean · 11/07/2022 08:53

Thank you so much for your support @Incywincyspi xx

OP posts:
HarmALlama · 11/07/2022 09:26

Honestly, OP, it is a very good poem.

I've seen all sorts on here, though, including people who claim that Adele can't sing. So you're in strong company!

Jilliebean · 11/07/2022 09:41

Awww thank you! I didn't claim to be Sylvia Plath, but naturally people were going to pick. A PP said she was saving my poem to read again and that alone makes it worth posting.
Adele and I can cry into her millions, think she'd let me?! 🤣

Thanks again xx

OP posts:
Hohofortherobbers · 11/07/2022 09:52

That was really insightful, you write beautifully

Lindy2 · 11/07/2022 09:58

"And that keeps only one of us up, crying late at night."

The last line is very poignant for me.

I don't think the quietly tutting, eye rolling parents, or even the teachers, ever really think about this.

Thereisnolight · 11/07/2022 09:59

CelestiaNoctis · 11/07/2022 00:50

What an awful poem. Way to make autism sound like an absolute burden and as if your child is lesser 🤢.

Are you a parent of a child who is disabled? For ANY reason?

OP, I loved your poem! Very clever and moving.

B0ssAssB1tch · 11/07/2022 10:01

No idea why people are being nasty to you over you expressing how you feel about your life. I guess those people have never considered just scrolling on rather than telling you something that's clearly deeply personal isn't a good poem.

She never claimed to be a professional poet ffs.

Newrunner29 · 11/07/2022 10:10

unicormb · 11/07/2022 07:54

This is just a list of all the things your child struggles with and how it makes them different from other kids. I hope it made you feel better to get that all out, but as PP have suggested, it's probably a good idea to have therapy if you're dwelling on this stuff all the time. I'm not denying that the differences exist, at all, but there's no positivity at all. Surely you must enjoy your child sometimes?

My child is a few years older, and our whole philosophy around raising them is to focus on what they can do, and making them happy, while quietly helping them with their struggles.

If you say it's a poem I guess it's a poem, but just because the last word of each line rhymes, not because of any other discernible poetic quality.

Focus on the things you adore about your child. Write a new poem about that.

In relation to your last comment...
Why should she? She should she be told what she has to write in a poem she decided to share??!! I mean what gives u the right to decide what she gets to creative and show?? Wow some comments. I'm so sorry. Parenting a disabled child is dam hard it's difficult with the day to day, it's difficult with the pressure on other members of the family and its extremely difficult for the child who is disabled! That is just the way it is! And parent carers have every right to express how they feel about the job that we don't get to choose when we become parents of disabled children. If I had a child who was in a wheelchair due to not being born with legs for example, it would be completely reasonable to say that life is difficult with aspects (mobility, home adjustment) why is when it's autism it's just not acceptable!

whyayepetal · 11/07/2022 10:11

This is so thought-provoking OP - I have a 21yo DD who we have worked out (took us ages) is very likely on the spectrum. Her masking skills are epic!

Sending best wishes to everyone here who has a family member(s) with ASD. Hopefully OP’s insightful words will be read by many, and provide both support and possibly challenge…

5128gap · 11/07/2022 11:19

unicormb · 11/07/2022 07:54

This is just a list of all the things your child struggles with and how it makes them different from other kids. I hope it made you feel better to get that all out, but as PP have suggested, it's probably a good idea to have therapy if you're dwelling on this stuff all the time. I'm not denying that the differences exist, at all, but there's no positivity at all. Surely you must enjoy your child sometimes?

My child is a few years older, and our whole philosophy around raising them is to focus on what they can do, and making them happy, while quietly helping them with their struggles.

If you say it's a poem I guess it's a poem, but just because the last word of each line rhymes, not because of any other discernible poetic quality.

Focus on the things you adore about your child. Write a new poem about that.

Well I hope you're more skilled at that when engaging with your child than you've demonstrated here.
Nobody asked you to critique the poetic quality, it was completely unnecessary to make your other points. Yet seemingly the desire to belittle someone overcame your belief in the importance of focusing on the positive. People who have that unfortunate trait should be careful to reign it in for their children's sake. It's very damaging.

5128gap · 11/07/2022 11:20

Rein not reign.

Jilliebean · 11/07/2022 11:37

The people who've been kind have been incredibly so and it's really moved me. Genuinely thank you so much. It's what sharing feelings and experiences is all about.
Thank you for your words and well wishes. Those who sent kindness to families like mine who just want their kiddos lives to be easier than what they are, thank you.

Also, this poem I've written as someone with dyslexia who left school at 14 and the kindness I've had is overwhelming! I'm someone who's never shared anything in such a public place and I shared it for the parents that worry about their children with every fibre of their being. Not because they/I want my child to be neurotypical for us/me, because I want his world to be less terrifying for our kiddos.

Those lovely people defending me, you're absolutely outstanding x

OP posts: