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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Big age gaps between babies

27 replies

Lightheart · 10/07/2022 12:55

help me I think I’m having an existential crisis!

I had a baby young (16) he is now 10. I am fairly confident I’ll want another baby one day but not yet. However I’m scared shitless that if I wait say 5 years to have another then I’m gonna regret it? I feel like time is running out to have another and I just don’t know what to do. I’m just getting started in a decent career path and I don’t want to take time away from that at the moment. Also me and DP are getting married in autumn after 11 years together And tbh life is comfortable at the moment which I know is more than a lot of people

has anyone had a big age gap like this between children

aibu to want to wait

OP posts:

harri2214 · 10/07/2022 13:01

From the maths, can i take it that you're only 26? and you feel like time is running out?? Are u worried about a big age gap or your biological clock? If you're in a stable r/ship why don't u decide together if and when is the right time for another kid? Is DP supportive and have u shared your thoughts? It doesn't sound like now is the right time, so don't get pregnant just because of the age gap concern or you might regret and resent a newborn on the scene. If ur only 26 u have plenty of time and who knows u might fancy another kid by this time next yr!

Youseethethingis1 · 10/07/2022 13:03

At 26 I had only just met my DH - you are by no means running out of time!
If you wait 5 years you will still only be 31 and your DS will be 15. With a minimum of 11 years between them, you are effectively going to have two families anyway so another few years won't make a difference to that.
We were away with DS (3) and DSD (10) this week and it really highlighted how difficult it can be to manage a gap like that. I was alone with DS alot while DH was off with DSD. At least if you gave it a few more years your DS would be a little more independent so a bit less juggling (in practical terms at least!).

Curiosity101 · 10/07/2022 13:07

I had my first baby at 29, ~7 years after I started in my career. I had my second aged 31.

Given your age and assuming there are no additional health or fertility issues I can't see why you can't have a good well developed career and a second baby. Especially if you were to wait for 5 years (you'd be the same age as I was when I had my second).

I can't comment on the age gap, but I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect age gap as there are too many variables to consider. There are definitely pros and cons to all different options.

As a PP asked, what makes you think time is running out?

Namechange192727171 · 10/07/2022 13:11

12 years between mine, hoping for another in a few years!

Honestly you've got so much time don't worry.

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/07/2022 13:14

I had mine 13 years apart. One at 29 and the second at 42. They adore eachother and have a great relationship.

Mandatorymongoose · 10/07/2022 13:17

I have 12/13 years between DD (22) and DS. Similarly to you I had DD as a teenager and then DS (9) later when my career / housing / marriage was all more settled.

I like it as an age gap, its a bit like having 2 only children. They both have benefited from lots of 1:1 time but also love each other very much and enjoy spending time together. They are at very different life stages of course but still occasionally bicker and often do things together (colouring, playing video games, playing ball games etc.)and are close as siblings. I'm glad they would have each other if anything happened to me / dh.

The only "downside" is that it sometimes felt a bit like starting over! Especially as DD became independent, the freedom we might have had having no small children was visible but we had DS. But that is the nature of children and I wouldn't change it at all!

HiyaWishy · 10/07/2022 13:22

I have a friend who has more years between her two boys than I have in months between my DC.
18yr age gap she has. No real reason why other than multiple miscarriages. She thought another wasn't going to happen but he did. Same husband all along.
Whereas I found the toddler bit exhausting with a 14mth gap, she was always really chilled having done it all before and only having one set of needs to meet.
Only thing she did say was it was/is like having two separate families not a pair of siblings.

duckie3 · 10/07/2022 13:24

Oh OP my best friend is my little brother! I'm 21 and have a 16 year old sister, a 4 year old half brother, a 1 year old half sister (both on my dads side) and my mum is currently pregnant! I'm so close with all my siblings but especially my brother. It's led me to pursue a career in childcare and I can't imagine my life without them. Basically, I don't think any age gap is too big, babies are a blessing at all ages if wanted!

serafinarose · 10/07/2022 13:41

You've got loads of time. There's a 21 year age gap between mine. 1st at 21, 2nd at 43. No regrets.

WarmJuly · 10/07/2022 13:41

My mum had a baby when I was at secondary school. We hardly grew up together and I was basically an only child as I was the only one as a child. We are not close.

I have a bigger gap and mine are really close.

It depends on personality if they get on. I found starting again really easy. It was if all those years had never happened and clicked straight back into being the mum of a newborn. I was a lot more tired though.

GreyGoose1980 · 10/07/2022 13:45

I can understand why you are mindful of the age gap OP but at 26 time is unlikely to be running out for you. If you are concerned though then get your fertility checked at a clinic. If all is fine then I’d leave it a few more years to enjoy your career and other life goals.

incywincyspiders · 10/07/2022 13:48

There are 23 years between me and my sister. No siblings in between. My Mum had me at 19 and my sister at 42. She doesn't regret it and it was a lot easier the second time around for her as she was already established in a career etc. Despite the age gap my sister and I are very close and still have a sibling type relationship in which we bicker etc. i wouldn't worry at all.

sunlight81 · 10/07/2022 13:56

Didn't meet my DH until I was 29.

I have 19yo 3yo and 18m twins ... there's always time!!

XelaM · 10/07/2022 14:08

I have a 10-years age gap with my younger brother and now that I'm mid-30's and he's mid-20's it doesn't matter one but. I am very proud of him (he's super successful) and I tell everyone about my amazing little brother amazing 🤩 He also lived with me for 3 years when he was at uni.

XelaM · 10/07/2022 14:09

one bit*

YouLookinSusBro · 10/07/2022 14:09

I had mine at 18, 25 and 39. The older 2 are close and both adore the little one. I've found it fine and we still all go on holiday together sometimes, along with DC1s partner

Goldbar · 10/07/2022 14:09

They're going to be at such different stages of life anyway. Like everyone says... the relationship they have will depend on their personalities. But that's often true for siblings closer together too!

I actually think a slightly larger age gap than 10 years might be an advantage in your case. With a 10 year old and a baby, the 10 year old still needs quite a lot of running after/attention. A 15/16 year old is much more independent and might be willing to help occasionally with babysitting (especially if paid!). You wouldn't feel you had to drag them around baby/toddler-friendly activities either because you don't want to leave a young teen alone in the holidays.

Fifthtimelucky · 10/07/2022 14:57

I didn't have my first until I was 36, so didn't want to wait too long before the second, but a friend who had her first at 18 has over 20 years between her eldest and youngest. There are other children too, including one who is more or less half way between the oldest and youngest.

They all have the same father, so it wasn't a question of starting a second family with another man.

Original poster

Lightheart · 11/07/2022 07:30

I’m not concerned about fertility I am mid 20s so realistically could have 10/15 years of potentially concieving (I know it gets harder as you age). I guess it’s more just that people will think I’m mad having another when my first is a teenager and there’s none in between

OP posts:

Icecreamsodaloda · 11/07/2022 07:45

Who cares what others think about the age gap? Maybe a few people will raise an eyebrow, maybe they will jokingly say your mad, let them.

However from what you've described I'd wait as you can afford to. A new baby brings stresses and expenses and if you are "comfortable" right now and establishing your career with the shit storm of the cost of living just starting I think it be unwise to have one now and risk so much. Say you waited another 8 years (not saying you should) you'd only be 34 and your first child would be an adult, you'd have seen him through the challenging teenage years and hopefully out the other side.

Marvellousmadness · 11/07/2022 08:10

Youll have 2 "only" children as they will not grow up as siblings.

But why not? If you wanna have another then go for it :)

D0lphine · 11/07/2022 08:26

Why do you care what people think? It's what you want now!

whiteroseredrose · 11/07/2022 08:33

When I was in sixth form one of my friends' mum had a baby - not planned, I don't think! There was a 17 year age gap.

The baby was universally adored in the family. Obviously the relationship wasn't a sibling relationship like with her slightly younger brother, but it worked.

alphapie · 11/07/2022 08:43

Imo you've already got such a large age gap, it's not going to make much of a difference to wait a bit longer.

Your earning potential and career should be focused on for now, your current child and any potential new siblings won't have much of a bond due to age anyway, so no point hampering your career for the sake of a few years.

Youseethethingis1 · 11/07/2022 08:49

DH and I have a couple of friends who have a 17 year old daughter, a 2.5 year old and a 1 year old and if truth be told, yes it is a bit mad that they were so close to freedom and decided to start again (they said this themselves!) But in they are so happy and say they feel that they can do things "properly" this time as they are older, careers established, nice house etc. It just wasn't the right time for them any earlier.
As PP said, don't worry about what others think. It's what you think that counts.

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