I don’t even know why I care

[the7Vabo]

This is going to sound completely daft but here goes.
My friend and I have two kids each, mine are 2 & 4, her’s are 1 & 3. My friend constantly talks about my kids are if they are much older than they are. Now of course when kids are that small every few months makes a difference. There’s something odd about it though, she’ll constantly say things like “a two year old is not a baby”, “my kids are such babies, my little one is only 15 months - still a baby” etc. and constantly say “there’s a whole year between them” often out of the blue. I don’t baby my kids, when we go on play dates I’m happy to take a break and let them off so I don’t think anything I do is the cause of it. I can’t really articulate why it bothers me, it feels sometimes when we are chatting that stuff about my kids are dismissed because they are “so old”. I’m very fond of my friend’s kids and happy to chat away about them.
i can’t figure out why my friend constantly says stuff like that or more importantly why it bothers me. Maybe it’s because it feels somewhat competitive or that my kids are sort of automatically dismissed in conversation as less interesting or something because hers are younger. Obviously my friend’s kids are the centre of her world, I get that. Again, it’s such a trivial stupid thing, but it does bother me somewhat.

I can understand why it annoys you, tbh as I have enough friends I can afford to lose a weird one I'd be tempted to play her at her own game.

'Oh DC2 is so little compared to your DC3'

I forgot how much older children look at 3 compared to 2.

Can't believe there is a whole year between your DC3 and my DC2

Thanks for your message.

TBH I want to not let it bother me. It’s silly. I think it’s the motivation that gets to me - why does she want to constantly remind me that her kids are younger. Recently at a party she asked if my 4 year old was too big for the (huge rented) bouncing castle. Like he’s 16 or something?!
We both have small kids and we could enjoy the experience together, and for the most part we are. As I said I want to laugh it off but it’s annoying me.

Too much hard work for me. She will always be comparing your children. I would smile and step back, only see her when I have to.

To your point about comparing, it’s an odd one because she’s not saying my kid is a whole year younger but smarter or anything like that.

Its almost as if she is saying I have babies & I feel the need to tell you you don’t. She misunderstood what I was saying in a conversation & said “she’s two, that’s not a baby” about my younger child. I don’t see my two year old as a baby but even if I did why do I have to be put back in my box. It’s the motivation I struggle with. And as I said I also struggle with the fact I’m struggling with it. Because it is so silly.

It's annoying you because the implication is that babies are better than older children and she still has a baby. Which is ridiculous.

I would just refuse to let her see you've even cottoned on, and just reply in a way that makes it clear you think your DC are the best.

'She's not a baby at 2'.

'Oh I know she isn't really a baby, but she's MY baby. She'll still be my baby when she is 30 hahaha'

For this I would reply 'I know! A year seems so much at this age, but when they are adults it won't matter at all!'

I thought something different - is she perhaps noticing how much more your children can do than hers? and saying this stuff to reassure herself that it's because hers are younger that they can't manage as much?

I would do it differently. Next time make a puzzled face and say 'why are you telling me that?' She may stop or calm it down if she realises you've twigged.

Four 'too big' for a bouncy castle? I would laugh like a drain at that and say 'ah, you're hilarious today!'

Theses types of things often come from insecurity and have nothing to do with the actual person. I’d think she was anxious about the baby years coming to an end and the older one heading off to nursery/school - and not being the centre of their world. As yours grow up she is seeing what is coming and is trying to convince herself there’s so much time before that happens.

Exactly what I thought.

Writing this thread & reading replies has helped get ever increasing perspective.

To the poster above, no I don’t think it’s because my kids can do so much more. The conversation is generally more I still have a baby type thing. Maybe she’s feeling sentimental about her kids getting bigger and is countering that feeling.

I'd think she was anxious about the baby years coming to an end and the older one heading off to nursery/school

I think it is this. I also wonder what her own sibling position was - whether she was "upstaged" by a younger, cuter sibling, and came to value babyness disproportionately as a result.

Babies are better than children? I think not. Many people think that babies are cute but boring and look forward to their children being old enough to speak, play, interact more.

She's being weird! I'd expect more of the same from her. She'll probably find other things to be weird about, once her own child is no longer a "baby".

Because I'm in an outweird-the-other-person mood, I think I'd act like she must have a really bad memory and keep gently stating their birthdays as if she can't remember " Yes x was born on xth month 2020?"

In my NCT group there was one woman who was due last of the group and then her baby was two weeks late, so ended up being 4-6 weeks younger than the others in the group. Honestly her mum went on and on about her being younger! Irritating.

She sounds so insecure.

I'd be tempted to counter boast and say 'oh you wouldn't understand! It will be years before child can....I dunno use the loo or something'

Does it really matter why it bothers you? Fact is it does. If you're not enjoying spending time with this friend why do it to yourself?

It’s a good question - does it matter why it bothers me. I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t dwell on the stupid stuff, who lets comments even if they are digs/come from a bad place go because life is too short.
I think my friends comments annoy me because there is no space for me. I have a wild 4 year old who can be challenging, I work a lot and am utterly exhausted & my husband is stressed out by our kids, but keep getting told that children over the magic number of 3 are so much easier, that she is just coming out of the baby stage, that I don’t have a baby, that one of her girls is just as wild as my boy. My 2 year old often doesn’t sleep through but if I was to mention I’m tired, I immediately get we are just coming out of the baby stage. She practically snapped at me that “a two year old is not a baby”. My youngest is 9 months older than her youngest but you’d think it was 9 years. And even if it was 9 years 10 year olds can be challenging and I’d want to able to talk about that without being told she is still in the baby phase.

From an alternative perspective because, from your OP, I think I might be a bit similar 😳

My DS is 3 and my DN is a year and a half. I definitely point out how small he is and how young he is and how little he is. This isn't a competitive thing. It's just that I'm shocked how far DS is growing up and I notice it so much more when he's next to DN and I realise that DN is a whole human being that walks about and chatters and he's so much smaller than DS so DS must be really big! I hadn't really noticed I do it.

Perhaps your friend is the same as me. Just noticing how fast her children are growing and, in addition, how fast yours are growing too. And perhaps reassuring herself that hers are still her little babies.

But one of her kids is older than yours??
Just go on about how her 3 year old is so big and grown up in comparison to your little 2 year old
😂

I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say it’s just that which sounds pretty normal, but it’s definitely more than that.
I literally cannot say I’m tired without her saying she is just coming out of the baby phase. I can’t say boys are so wild when I’m struggling to cope with mine without her immediately saying her youngest daughter is so wild so those stereotypes aren’t true. I dropped that immediately to be sensitive as her husband wanted a boy although I don’t think she cares.
I can say very little about my experiences as a parent without being pulled up on something. I’m not particularly sentimental about my kids getting bigger although I can have moments of course, but what if I was. Who snaps at someone “a 2 year old is not a baby!!. If that was an isolated incident I wouldn’t be dwelling on it so much. But I cannot speak about my kids without her somehow invaliding what I’ve said, or immediately mentioning her kids.

Truthfully, it sounds like you are ruminating now, and it would make more sense just not to see her for a while than to keep mulling over every annoying thing she says.

See other friends who don't irritate you. It doesn't really matter what is going on with her - just be busy for a while and dodge meeting up.

It must be very annoying OP.

It's like she's playing some kind of 'one upmanship'and 'one downmanship' with you.
From what you've said, you'll never win the game.

I'd give her a wide berth for a bit and if she says anything then reply with something like " oh, it's just that you seem so worried about your babies and concerned that mine might be too lively for yours."
I dunno... that might come across wrong but you know what I mean.

It'll always be the same with her... competitive parenting, which this is, in reverse, probably won't go away.

Yes that is good advice, I am ruminating now and if I put off seeing her for awhile (she’s pretty busy at the moment anyways so no offence will be taken), I know I’ll have calmed down if I get a bit of space.
Maybe it’s normal but I find I do that I ruminate over and over about things that annoy me. I find most things tend to fade with time but I annoy myself that I get so wound up about stuff I don’t consider objectively important.

I know someone like this. She needs her children to be babies, because if they didn't need her, her purpose in life would start to fall apart. She has always said the thought of them growing up terrifies her, which I find a bit sad. For me it's the daily learning and growing which is the miracle.