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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TW: Was this sexual abuse?

40 replies

Fattus · 09/07/2022 19:59

I’m finding this a bit tricky but I’m wondering if I am minimising things…

When I was younger I lived with extended family and when I was around 7-8 and uncle who was 18 used to masturbate in the bathroom and call me to watch him ejaculate.

i don’t know what to think about it. I kind of shrugged it off but I’m wondering if maybe I was more affected that I realise.

I’ve name changed but am very regular poster which MN can verify.

OP posts:
KoalaPineapple · 09/07/2022 20:01

Firstly I'm so so sorry that this happened to you. Yes I do fully consider this to be sexual abuse and if you were to talk to someone about this they would take you seriously. I hope you have support around you and I would consider talking to a professional about it. I'm really sorry.

Original poster
Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:03

Thank you. I’ve only told one person about it ever. I feel oddly scared.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 09/07/2022 20:04

Absolutely. That sounds like grooming to me abd power play.

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 09/07/2022 20:04

Yes this is absolutely abusive. Exposing a child to sexual activity is abuse, even without touching. I am so sorry this happened. It's not surprising that you are affected by it.

3beesinmybonnet · 09/07/2022 20:04

Sorry OP this is definitely child sexual abuse. He was an adult using a young girl for his own gratification.

ManateeFair · 09/07/2022 20:05

OF COURSE that was sexual abuse. How could it possibly be anything else?! He was an adult and he got off on having a little girl watching him masturbate. His behaviour was abusive and entirely illegal. He is a sex offender.

I’m really sorry this happened to you.

iklboo · 09/07/2022 20:05

Definitely abuse. I'm sorry you went through that.

FionnulaTheCooler · 09/07/2022 20:06

That's abuse. I hope to god he doesn't have kids of his own now.

DramaAlpaca · 09/07/2022 20:09

Yes that was sexual abuse. How horrible. I'm sorry that happened to you Flowers

Original poster
Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:13

RudsyFarmer · 09/07/2022 20:04

Absolutely. That sounds like grooming to me abd power play.

It’s interesting you say this - he was very controlling and violent (to girlfriends) but exerted power very much so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:15

Im sorry, I find this really hard to read.

I knew it was but some how minimised it as there was no touching.

I was so unhappy as a child. I never really understood why but I just recently started wondering if it might be this.

OP posts:
Eatingchips · 09/07/2022 20:16

Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:13

It’s interesting you say this - he was very controlling and violent (to girlfriends) but exerted power very much so.

Show quote history

That is a huge part of sexual abuse exerting power over others.

UrricanesArdlyHeverAppen · 09/07/2022 20:16

If you decide you need some help processing it, Google NAPAC. They’re very good at what they do 💐

Original poster
Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:17

It feels so trivial compared to what so many have experienced - I feel stupid thinking it was abuse.

OP posts:
Eatingchips · 09/07/2022 20:19

Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:15

Im sorry, I find this really hard to read.

I knew it was but some how minimised it as there was no touching.

I was so unhappy as a child. I never really understood why but I just recently started wondering if it might be this.

I was sexually abused by a family member too. I can absolutely relate to you saying you were so unhappy. In my case although my parents did love their children they were not the type of parents who would back you up from being abused and that was a very lonely experience. I think there are family cultures where abuse can thrive, mine was one and those environments are unhappy ones for the children because they are emotionally lonely environments.

KoalaPineapple · 09/07/2022 20:19

It's not trivial at all, please don't think that. And please don't say you feel stupid thinking it was abuse because it was. I really hope you get the support and help you need for this. Sending you best wishes.

Eatingchips · 09/07/2022 20:23

Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:17

It feels so trivial compared to what so many have experienced - I feel stupid thinking it was abuse.

The best way to think about it is to take yourself out of the equation, how would you feel if someone did that to your child rather than you?. Now feel empathy for you as if you were your own child instead of criticising yourself. It is incredibly difficult to accept you should have compassion for yourself same as any other child. My brother did way worse to my sister. Finding out about that was when it really really hit me how bad it all was.

Original poster
Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:30

@Eatingchips

i suspect I’d actually try to kill someone who did that to my child.

😔

OP posts:
Eatingchips · 09/07/2022 20:32

Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:30

@Eatingchips

i suspect I’d actually try to kill someone who did that to my child.

😔

And that is the point. This would have been a horrible experience that to cope with you minimised. I’m sorry you went through that. ❤️

Mif4 · 09/07/2022 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:34

@Mif4

I’m so sorry. It’s disgraceful how people can do these thing to children.

OP posts:
Mummyof287 · 09/07/2022 20:40

Yes, I work in social care and can 100% say this is sexual abuse, part of which can be 'being forced to witness sexual acts'.I really hope you can seek some counselling to help you come to terms with what you went through.Welldone for opening up, which has clearly been difficult xx

Original poster
Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:45

I honestly am not sure what to do. I don’t know who I can tell.

I’m starting to wonder if my eating disorder and sort of internal anger is all to do with this.

I don’t even think it happened lots but I remember it clearly - it definitely happened.

My family is so dysfunctional in so many ways - I’m not sure if I can work through it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fattus · 09/07/2022 20:46

I’m sitting here and I can’t stop crying now - I feel like floodgates have opened and I’m not sure how to cope.

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 09/07/2022 20:49

It is absolutely 100% sexual abuse. You were sexually abused by a paedophile. I sincerely hope that the responses in this thread have been helpful in demonstrating that you are not overreacting or imagining things. If you seek professional help from a reputable therapist you will be listened to and believed. Please consider doing this for that 7 year old girl who is obviously still hurting. If you want to, you would also be perfectly justified in going to the police. This man is a criminal and no amount of years having passed makes him any less so. Don’t feel that you have no right to seek justice. You absolutely do.