August Wedding Aaaagh!!!

[icecreamgirl94]

I’m getting married at the end of August, and quite frankly right now I’d like to just stick my head in the oven!

There’s so much still to do and organise but my main concern is whether to give the mother of the bride position on the top table to my step mum or my actual mother.
For context, over the last few years step mum has been much more of a mother figure in my life than my mum. Parents divorced after her affair and I think a mixture of guilt and a desire to relive her youth has caused her to push us away to some extent. She has very little contact with my younger sister and her child and although I do see her and try to keep her involved in DS’s life, it’s usually at my instigation. If I’m honest I’d rather have my step mum at the top table but I’d hate to upset my mum and push her further away. In a perfect world I’d like this to be an opportunity for us to build some bridges.

Just looking for some honest opinions from people that don’t know my family personally. Maybe we should just run off and get married on a beach with no one else around! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't envy you OP, very tough situation. Ultimately, your wedding your choice but if it were me, I'd have my mum in that spot but I'd have an open and honest conversation with step mum about why.

Could you not have both? Or neither? Sue to family politics in our families we decided to do round tables, our best friends with us, a table with mother and her friends/family, Fil with his wife/friends/family and mil with her hubby/friends/family - totally took the pressure off x

Why not both? My brother got married recently and my mum was on the top table and so were my dad and his wife (our stepmum) it was fine. I would go with both or neither

Both. You cannot exclude your mum nor the woman who has been as a mother.

Either have them both, or you could have tables very close to the top table that have important people on. Don't make one look more important than the other. There is NO need and you'll live to regret it, and it can never be taken back.

I would say both or neither.
please don’t let this detract from your day. Congratulations!

Sack off having a top table all together, it’s really irritating sitting at one because you can’t really chat to anyone much and everyone else on the cabaret style tables are always having more fun 😄

But, accept you need to sit them both somewhere- who would either sit with if not on your table? Who else will be on your table?

We had a sweetheart table, so it was just my husband and I on the top table as we wanted to avoid the stress and politics of a traditional top table. It also meant that we actually got to spend some time together as a couple on the day.

In a perfect world I’d like this to be an opportunity for us to build some bridges I think that's too much pressure to put on an already pressured day. I suggest just having bridesmaids/men and the groom'smaids/men on the table and maybe go for found tables rather than a formal top table

Both. I had my step father and father at top table.

Well I wouldn't place so much concern over someone who had an affair and broke up the family. AND she has been horrible to your sister and niece. So have your SM sit with the immediate family and have your DM sit with everyone else.

I’d forget about the top table all together.

or just have you , your husband, bridesmaids and bestman/groomsmen .

we were at a wedding recently where the grooms mother and father were basically shit parents, he did have them at the top table and while the groom heaped praise on his new in-laws and all the help and support they gave them he just said thanks for having me to his parents. It was the most awkward speech ever.

he said he felt he had to have them at the top table but would rather they weren’t there at all.

I don’t really like them but you could always have a sweetheart table and then just sit people in family groups? That would avoid the drama of who is more important.

Otherwise I would try and have both and look who could be dropped from the top table if space is an issue

Both or neither! How about just the two of you, or you plus best man and maid of honour?

For me, it would have to be my mother, not my stepmother. She bore me and raised me, whatever judgements I might make about her behaviour. We don’t really know what goes on in a marriage even as children of that marriage.

Both.

Could you keep the top table just for you DH, and wedding party, and then have each set of parents host a table instead?

Neither or both. At my wedding it was just my DH and our witnesses (no bridal party for us). Parents had their own table together.

Both but at opposite ends.

Agree with both. If not can you give one of them another role?

Just have them both. Why make such a big deal of it?

Due to family dynamics we're having a "sweetheart table" (just myself and groom, HATE the name) meaning all other family can be sat on normal tables.
Might not be what you're looking to do but something to consider. Has removed a lot of stress for us

Make the table a bit bigger and have both?

I would have both.

I had my Mum and my step Mum - it was fine!