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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL wanting a say.

34 replies

maryannex · 09/07/2022 12:09

MIL constantly wants to have a say over how many kids DP and I have and it's starting to really annoy me. I don't know how to nicely say it's none of her concern when and how many kids my partner and i decide to have.

We have a DS that turns 6 months soon, and often discuss in about a year having another as not looking to have too much of an age gap between the children. I've plenty times said i've always wanted four kids, whilst DP wants 2 so mentioned previously 3 is middle ground. However she always says "you want another?" and "if you're going to have another then just have two. three is too much" and other throwaway comments like "don't have three kids" and "leave it at two" but not in the jokey way, almost as though we should be listening to what she's saying and i'm absurd for wanting three.

She also seems to mention a lot "don't have one yet, DS needs your full attention now, you've got time." which we're not planning on having another right away, but if we did, it's our decision.

I don't know how to address this because it's starting to annoy me that she constantly has something to say about things that don't concern her.

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 09/07/2022 12:11

I wonder if a version of 'thank you for your opinion random man' is required here?

PyjamaFan · 09/07/2022 12:11

'Thank you for your input'.

Then ignore.

Soontobe60 · 09/07/2022 12:11

If you don’t want her to join in with the conversation about how many kids you have, don’t talk about it in her presence!

ComDummings · 09/07/2022 12:12

Do you talk about these things in front of her?

chilledbubble · 09/07/2022 12:14

Ask her why she keeps going on about it as its annoying you? Then you can have thr conversation and day right ok thanks but I don't want to hear any more about it. Then if she brings it up again after that you can tell her to fuck off.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/07/2022 12:16

Just say 'don't worry we've got the decision making on this one covered.' I would also limit how much you talk about these things in front of her.

abigailsnan · 09/07/2022 12:17

Just don't discuss private things in front of her it's none of her business,I never interfer with my ACs business and stand well back with my thoughts if you want 3/4 children go with it,its your family not hers.

fatfrenchprick · 09/07/2022 12:18

My ex-mil was like this. When she first come to see my first newborn she told me not to have anymore. She said it after I had one, I had 3 in all.

She had 6 and struggled so even though it pissed me off now I understand that she didn't want me to struggle.

NyanBinaryJohn · 09/07/2022 12:20

"Thank you for your input in to our sex life."

Shame her in to shutting up.

Original poster
maryannex · 09/07/2022 12:22

Soontobe60 · 09/07/2022 12:11

If you don’t want her to join in with the conversation about how many kids you have, don’t talk about it in her presence!

it's more that she made a comment once saying "don't have anymore, you don't want anymore do you?" and i replied with wanting 3, ever since then she likes to bring it up. won't be happening again! x

OP posts:
Slightlystressedbride · 09/07/2022 12:22

We have a DS that turns 6 months soon, and often discuss in about a year having another

I've plenty times said i've always wanted four kids, whilst DP wants 2 so mentioned previously 3 is middle ground

If you're having these conversations in front of her/with her, I don't think you can complain when she ventures an opinion.

Original poster
maryannex · 09/07/2022 12:24

Slightlystressedbride · 09/07/2022 12:22

We have a DS that turns 6 months soon, and often discuss in about a year having another

I've plenty times said i've always wanted four kids, whilst DP wants 2 so mentioned previously 3 is middle ground

If you're having these conversations in front of her/with her, I don't think you can complain when she ventures an opinion.

it's not in front of her, we've discussed this between DP and I, she once asked and i answered, not thinking she would constantly ask or try to bring the subject up

OP posts:
ComDummings · 09/07/2022 12:26

If she brings it up again just be blunt ‘thanks for your opinion’ then ignore.

Ourlady · 09/07/2022 12:31

None of your business MIL….and repeat!

ivorthengine · 09/07/2022 12:32

Well she has the benefit of experience. You have one 6m old. Wait and see how you feel after two. You may change your mind

But also its not her business either

CambsAlways · 09/07/2022 12:48

Always amazes me some Mil’s , yes I’m one also, but never ever would tell my AC how many kids they should have, it’s none of my buisness

catandcoffee · 09/07/2022 12:52

CambsAlways · 09/07/2022 12:48

Always amazes me some Mil’s , yes I’m one also, but never ever would tell my AC how many kids they should have, it’s none of my buisness

Unless you're the mil that ends up pretty much bringing them up.

redwaterbottle · 09/07/2022 13:00

How many kids does age have?

Mammma91 · 09/07/2022 13:04

I don’t really feel how it’s gotten to a point where she can give her opinion to be honest. This isn’t something I’d generally discuss with anyone really - I have 1 at the moment, currently TTC another. No one knows because it’s not anyones business except mine and DP’s. Don’t engage in the topic with her and you won’t have to hear her opinion about it. It’s not like she can stop yous from having anymore children in the future if that’s what you both wanted.

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 09/07/2022 13:07

Stop opening the discussion with her and you don’t have to be polite back. She’s not polite, so, give it back as good as you get!

ElBandito · 09/07/2022 13:21

Every time she mentions it reply and increase the number of kids you want by one. See how high you get before she catches on and stops.

bluebeck · 09/07/2022 13:23

Ask her if her MIL told her how many DC she could have/what gap to have!!

Or just ignore her.

Whopbamboom · 09/07/2022 13:34

"Why? Wont you love the third one?"

Put it on her.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 09/07/2022 13:38

Stop engaging in the conversation it sending a message that you are happy to have the conversation. You need a standard grey rock comment, something like “That’s for DP and I to decide.”

Holly60 · 09/07/2022 20:16

Have you actually had a conversation with her?

Rather than shutting it down it might actually be better to have a conversation about it.

Why don't you think we should have more than 2 MIL? You might gain an understanding of her as a person that you didn't have before.

It might also give you a chance to explain why you want a bigger family, and show her you've thought through all the implications, cost, space, time, stress etc.

I know people will be on to say you don't have to justify yourself to her, but to be honest this would be the most mature way of having that conversation, getting it all out there, and moving on from it. Then if she mentions it again you can quite legitimately say 'we've had this conversation before MIL and I'm not going to change my mind so there is no point in keep going on'.