To be unsure about this?

[lamby12]

Wasn't sure where to post as it spans a few topics... Before starting I know only I can decide my opinion on this but I'm interested in the views of those who have (or haven't) done this, regrets, thoughts and whether things change as children get older.

Im unsure about whether to move back to childhood village (lovely place) to be in the same village as parents. Not really any close friends there but a couple of school friends I'm still in touch with would be closer and more realistic to get together.

Pre children I was always quite happy to have moved away (about 1.5hrs) to have my own place and independence. Met DH, neither of us grew up here but found a nice house and had 2 children currently age 9months & 4.

After DC1 was born I felt the urge to be closer to parents (they are still young ish as grandparents go and can help a lot) and felt isolated as a new mum. However property prices are higher there, we hunted a bit, realised we didn't get much for a money and did an extension here. Then return to work for me and lockdown followed and it didn't really matter where anyone lived for a while!

Fast forward to now, since having DC2 I've felt the urge to move still, and we have been hunting. Missed out on a few properties at silly prices. We've found something ideal but we'd still be paying more for less house due to the location.

Where we live now is ok, immediate street is nice and schools are ok. But wider area is the edge of a not very desirable city and we pretty much drive everywhere, there's no village or community. So my parents village is probably 50% more expensive than ours.

The houses we can afford are liveable with scope for future development, but we've already done that development (extension) to our current house. It's really difficult to know how much the move is 'worth' weighing up childcare, support, nicer village, etc with house size and condition. If it were equal prices it would be a no brainer.

DH is happy to move but could take it or leave it to be honest. He grew up an hour in the other direction and has no desire to return. MIL (recently widowed) is wanting to move to us, wherever we are but due to physical issues she can't help with childcare, it will be more us looking after her. I think I'd be disappointed to have DHs mum near and not be near my own parents.

All I know is here I feel fairly isolated, no mum friends (despite trying) and not much to do from the doorstep. I make the drive to my parents at least once a week, sometimes twice. DH works long hours so I'm on my own with the children a lot.

Questions are, if you've relocated to parents was it worth it? Would you prioritise support over house prices? Is it better for children growing up in a village?
Am I realistic to reply on my parents for everything, or should o just try harder to get friends and support here?
I'm also thinking to the future and want to be close to my parents to look after them.

Any experiences welcome!

Don't try on your parents, they have no obligation to provide help. You could uproot for help and not get any.

Have you got any siblings? What will happen if your parents need help, this is a big one on my mind at the moment.

Rely not try

My parents are keen to help. Really want to do more, but the journey is a bugger. Mum talks about picking kids up from school etc if we were closer. At the moment if there's proper childcare it has to be a well organised in advance probably a full day to make the journey worth it. Not realistic regularly.
She's desperate to have the kids more.

But equally I wouldn't expect unlimited childcare. It would be nice for me to have her close too for company.

One sibling, lives about 5 hrs away so not near either of us and doesn't plan on moving! So any support in parents old age will likely fall to me anyway, and I'm ok with that.

I should say I don't mean I'll 'rely' on my parents for all childcare specifically, I suppose I just mean plan our whole reason for moving around being closer to them. Should say, they're not putting pressure on us to move. They'd love it, but equally understand if we don't.

It sounds like it might be right for you to move, based more on your isolation, you don't like where you live, no community right now, as well as to be near your parents. Don't forget to think about when the children are older though, where would their high school, friends, social life be - you don't want them ending up isolated instead!

I'd move if I were you .

Thanks, I don't think they'd be isolated as teens. Where my parents live isn't isolated, it's a nice cluster of villages and close to towns, it's not in the middle of nowhere.
In my opinion it's a nicer area to grow up than where we currently are. But therefore, more expensive. Probably need a good old fashioned pros and cons list!
It's useful to hear any experiences of those who have moved whether it worked out well, or if you haven't if you manage ok.

Pros...
Close to your parents
Support
Nicer environment
Able to save a bit on childcare , if your parents are willing.

Cons...
Maybe a longer commute
Smaller property ( which could be extended at some point.)
Teenage social life might be limited.
Increased petrol costs.

Tricky.
But don't rule out your MIL and the ability to pop over if needs be.

I am pushing 60. My husband is older. My mum lives a three hour drive away and she needs more help. It's really hard.

@WishILivedInThrushGreen thanks for the list, that's really useful!

On the cons, I wfh so no commute. I'd really like to build my side hobby into a business but it feels impossible with no childcare support. I might have to wait longer with a higher mortgage (for the earnings to get where I need them) but it's maybe more achievable.

DH would have a longer commute and higher petrol costs, but he works in a 'geography' where he's moved around every couple of years. At current he's within 15mins, but he'll be moved in a year or so and could be an hour commute, as it has been in the past. So he's willing to move. He's less enthusiastic than me and would happily stay put, but given he works long hours, doesn't make a huge effort to finish on time (lots of unpaid overtime, he's married to the job...) I'm inclined to be a bit selfish on this one given I really do the lions share of childcare and am the one with the 'flexible' job that will always be called on for early finish, sick days, etc etc....

What are the schools like in each area?
Will secondary schools be further away if you move? If so, DCs friends could live in other areas - you will need to be a taxi to facilitate their social lives as older children/teens. Are you willing to do that?

@Seeline probably level pegging schools wise, but we are on the edge of a more deprived area and there are probably more 'bad crowds' to be involved with. (Sorry if that sound judgemental but it is true really)

Primary not walkable here, secondary is a few streets away. But doesn't mean their friends will be as it's a huge secondary!

In parents area primary is walkable in the village we've found a property in, and walkable from parents house. Secondary is a short bus ride. I did it growing up. Again a big secondary and lots of pupils from a wide cluster of villages (but not isolated areas) so probably the same.

Good bus links in both.

Side point, but I found that it was when my oldest started school there was a new group of mums to be friends with, many in the same boat, some are now my best friends. Even if you stay where you are this could help - assuming your 4yo is about to start school.

Would your MI be happy/could she afford to move to the same village if you do move there to be nearer your own parents?

If so it might be quite nice as Sunday lunches/ weekend bbqs could involve everyone and means no one is lonely.

Does your sibling come back to visit your parents? Do they have children? It might make it easier to see your sibling a bit more if they are only having to travel to one area to see everyone and your DC might get to see their cousins a bit more.

If your MIL would move to be near you, I'd go for it.

Do it! I was in a similar situation, didn't, kids are now stuck in secondary school here, my parents are older and I find myself going back 'home' twice a week when I wish I could just call in every day to say hello. I feel I'd have settled into village life easily if the kids had gone to school there whereas now I'm still a bit of an outsider (having craved independence and left when I was younger). And the house prices are even more expensive so even harder to move from my big house in a cheap area to a small house in a more expensive area.

@Sauvignonblanket yes I'm hoping that will be the case in either location, that I'll get a mum friend or two when DC1 starts school. I had an antenatal group but everyone returned to work then we had covid and people have had their second child at different points so it just fizzled. With the interruption of covid it's been hard and then having a newborn, it's not easy to just 'get out' and meet people. I would still need to get some friends in my parents village, as I don't want me and my mum to end up doing everything together. But I would be only half an hour from my best friend, rather than over an hour and a half! We barely see each other now.

@Holly60 yes mil is going to move wherever we do. It adds a bit of a time pressure for us to make our minds up, even though she isn't applying pressure. We know she's in limbo and ideally I want to sort ourselves out ASAP so we're not getting well into school life then moving. Strangely for a retirement apartment (which is what she wants) there isn't too much price difference so she would be ok. The area is further for her to move from her friends and remaining family, but to be honest I am not going to be dictated by that because it is 100% her decision to move or not, and she wants to move to us.

@HalfBrick that's useful! That sounds like me at the moment, I drive 'home' twice a week. I used to go and stay probably monthly for a night with DC1 when DH was working a full weekend or late shift. I only haven't since DC2 arrived because I can't be bothered packing bags for 2'kids!

I should add, it's not just the school factor. DH works most weekends and so, even the few friends I have, nobody's free at weekends because everyone's with their family. I don't mind a bit of time on my own with the children but if it's a full weekend I spend at least one dah with my parents. It would be nice for us and them not to drive so far. On DHs day off it's usually practical stuff like appointments etc because there's been no chance on the other days to do anything. I think it would make a difference for us both, not just me.

YANBU, I think it's a no-brainer personally. Do it.

Also... I hate to be the one to say this, but your husband sounds like a workaholic. What's your marriage like? You don't get much time as a family, let alone as a couple.

I don't blame you for wanting to be near your parents for company and support (practical and emotional).

Yes he is a workaholic. I've always know that. He has phases where he makes an effort to finish early or take time off, but on the whole he works too much. The environment is very demanding and he gets put under a lot of pressure, so I do have a balanced view of it and don't give him a hard time.., these days. I used to work in the same role and it's not easy to just leave on time.

I've realised I'll never change him and his workaholic ways and I've accepted that's ok on the whole. He's a good husband and dad, supports us all and any free time he does have is spent with us. His job fundamentally isn't flexible though. We get very little time together but our marriage isn't in any trouble, things work! Apart from me pining to be closer to my parents.

Fair enough. You seem to have made your peace with it. I couldn't, but my mum's not as helpful as yours sounds, so I definitely need my DH to pull his weight! All people and situations are different, and each to their own.

I moved away and then for various reasons couldn’t move back, and while I’ve made friends where I am now, it is hard. I’m now a single parent, disabled, and the opposite end of the country to any family. I’d say it’s worth trying to make the move before dc1 starts school. Because a) moving with school age kids makes it much more of a wrench for them and b) I didn’t think type of area would matter so much but the schools where I am really weren’t great, to the point I ended up home educating, which I love, but can’t help wondering how dc would have found the ‘naice’ school by my mum.
I have made my peace with my choices, and I am happy despite the circumstances, but that’s my reflection as you asked the question!

I'd move, and do it soon.
Do it before your children get much older.
Accept that you'll be in a smaller house.
If you don't do it soon, you may find you're priced out of the market, and the chance has gone.

Thanks really useful. I think I will regret it if we don't go for this house that is ideal so we're making an offer. I say I because DH could take it or leave it. I feel a bit uncomfortable that he'd stay here with a lower mortgage if it weren't for me pushing the matter, and he'll have a bigger commute to work when we move. But, ultimately, he's ok to go with and I think I should be a bit selfish given the balance of childcare duties isn't going to change.

Good luck!

So we got the house (successful offer, obviously still a long way to go!) here comes another round of guilt and wondering if it's the right thing.

Worried about moving DD nursery, she loves it and has gone though difficult times settling but is finally in her element there. It's a wonderful nursery and I have no worries about DC2 going there upon turning 1. Nursery in new place is also well regarded. But obviously it's the unknown for them and me. Which makes me anxious! I'm reminding myself that whilst it will be a big change for her, she will be closer to grandparents who she adores. She also wouldn't be going to school with any of her nursery friends if we stayed put anyway, because we live a couple of villages away and chose to drive to a further nursery because it is so lovely. But we are too far from the school catchment and all children that I know of there live in the immediate village. So school would be a new start for her either way. I know they are adaptable this young but I dread the tears and the guilt wrenching 'I miss x, y, z' which will probably come.

Also feeling guilty because DH job location has recently moved and he has a short commute. With the move he'll be on just under an hour commute. Worth pointing out he gets moved annually and can be anywhere in a 2hr radius, so this is just a moment in time and he is used to commutes. But because right now there isn't one it feels like I'm making his life harder.

Feels like it's only me that's happy our offer got accepted. DH is open that he would stay put if it were solely up to him but he'll make the move for me.

Wondering if I'm being selfish... but I think it's a good thing all round to have support on the doorstep. DH works all the hours under the sun and will never change, so I feel I need to be a bit selfish. At the moment I'm just solo childcare all the time. Which is hard with no family support nearby. Especially since his mum will be moving to 'wherever we are' and likely it'll fall to me to look after her. Which is fine but I know I'll be resentful if I'm not near my own parents. Am I being selfish?! Guilty doubt about the whole thing now that it is closer to happening!!

I don’t think you’re being selfish, I think you’re being practical. And it’ll be nice for your children to be closer to their gps.