To be unsure about this?

[lamby12]

Wasn't sure where to post as it spans a few topics... Before starting I know only I can decide my opinion on this but I'm interested in the views of those who have (or haven't) done this, regrets, thoughts and whether things change as children get older.

Im unsure about whether to move back to childhood village (lovely place) to be in the same village as parents. Not really any close friends there but a couple of school friends I'm still in touch with would be closer and more realistic to get together.

Pre children I was always quite happy to have moved away (about 1.5hrs) to have my own place and independence. Met DH, neither of us grew up here but found a nice house and had 2 children currently age 9months & 4.

After DC1 was born I felt the urge to be closer to parents (they are still young ish as grandparents go and can help a lot) and felt isolated as a new mum. However property prices are higher there, we hunted a bit, realised we didn't get much for a money and did an extension here. Then return to work for me and lockdown followed and it didn't really matter where anyone lived for a while!

Fast forward to now, since having DC2 I've felt the urge to move still, and we have been hunting. Missed out on a few properties at silly prices. We've found something ideal but we'd still be paying more for less house due to the location.

Where we live now is ok, immediate street is nice and schools are ok. But wider area is the edge of a not very desirable city and we pretty much drive everywhere, there's no village or community. So my parents village is probably 50% more expensive than ours.

The houses we can afford are liveable with scope for future development, but we've already done that development (extension) to our current house. It's really difficult to know how much the move is 'worth' weighing up childcare, support, nicer village, etc with house size and condition. If it were equal prices it would be a no brainer.

DH is happy to move but could take it or leave it to be honest. He grew up an hour in the other direction and has no desire to return. MIL (recently widowed) is wanting to move to us, wherever we are but due to physical issues she can't help with childcare, it will be more us looking after her. I think I'd be disappointed to have DHs mum near and not be near my own parents.

All I know is here I feel fairly isolated, no mum friends (despite trying) and not much to do from the doorstep. I make the drive to my parents at least once a week, sometimes twice. DH works long hours so I'm on my own with the children a lot.

Questions are, if you've relocated to parents was it worth it? Would you prioritise support over house prices? Is it better for children growing up in a village?
Am I realistic to reply on my parents for everything, or should o just try harder to get friends and support here?
I'm also thinking to the future and want to be close to my parents to look after them.

Any experiences welcome!

Congratulations!
You are not being selfish and even if you were that's no bad thing.
I don't think men feel guilty and worried about being selfish half as much as women do (if at all).
And the younger the DC, the easier it is to move them. I can imagine that moving nursery feels like a big deal but it really isn't. DC will be fine. If you can facilitate some setting in sessions and a staggered start all the better, but either way it'll be grand.

"his mum will be moving to 'wherever we are' and likely it'll fall to me to look after her. Which is fine"

Really? You're a bigger person than me!
You need your parents to look after your children so you'll have more time and energy look after your mother-in-law, have i got that right?! And what about if/when your parents need help? Are you going to be running around looking after everyone while your husband just carries on working all the hours?

(Not helpful, sorry. I just think there's a bigger picture here that will be helped but not fixed by moving.)

Thanks! Yes I think we certainly overthink things more, I do anyway. Hence all of this...!

Haha @AnotherEmma yes it does sound like that! I know what you mean and in a way that's why I'd resent the situation if we stayed, as I wouldn't have the childcare support.

Makes DH sound terrible but he's not, he does do a lot for his mum but ultimately he works full time, long days, long hours. Him doing stuff for his mum takes even more time away from us having family time together. As I work part time very set hours, I don't expect to do equal childcare and I see his mum as my family too so I'd never shrug off the responsibility... but... given I'm picking up the lions share of childcare and 'relative care' I think maybe it's ok to be selfish on where we live to do it all.

One thing that makes me feel better about Dcs nursery is the new location is joined to the school, so she has one move now and then will stay there into school and presumably as will other children she makes friends with.

I'll forever regret if I back down on it all now.

If you forever regret it if you back down then you know the answer - push for the move. It sounds like it's the best thing all round.

Even if your parents don't end up coming through with the offers of childcare, it will still be great for them to grow up being able to spend time with their grandparents on a more regular basis.

I wouldn't be keen on the idea of MIL moving nearby so that i could look after her though. No sirree.

Having grown up in a village (hamlet) I would not raise my kids there. No amenities. As nice as it is spending summers romping in the fields, my parents were pretty grumpy having to drive us everywhere. Also I wouldn’t want to be in my parents’ pockets. Obviously you know your parents and your relationship and needs best but just my view. Where I am we have countryside on our literal doorstep but can walk to most amenities, and primary and secondary schools, doctors and dentist are a few streets away; and every other thing we need is 10 mins away in town. Also if you’re worried about being isolated, is a village really a good move? But obviously I’m just playing devil’s advocate!

Thanks @MassiveSalad22 it's technically a village but very much a large village and near lots of other villages. Schools in the village, shops, amenities, bus routes, supermarkets only a short drive. It's not an isolated village. But totally agree with the downsides of that!

@Iamthejobseeker thank you, that's really useful. And yes the MIL thing wouldn't be my choice but I don't think it's worth the cons of trying to stop it, she's recently windowed and doesn't have anyone now. Think it's not worth being selfish over that one however I've been clear there needs to be some expectation setting about my time etc.