To think the novelty of us having a baby has worn off?

[Dilemmaemmaaa]

My mum said she was desperate to babysit when my baby was born. The first few months she would take him for a few hours. I started up my own business during maternity leave but I’m going back to the office part time when he’s 1. She has agreed to watch him when I’m at work but seems to think that will be a novelty because I’m ‘at’ work. I’m still working (on my own business) at home but just have to do it with a baby round my ankles. I feel like I’m getting to spend no quality time with him because everything is taking so long that I’m working pretty much all day while he’s there. The in-laws don’t offer to help at all so can’t ask them.

Now he’s 9 months my mum will ‘pop in’ regularly but that’s of no use when you just desperately want someone to give you an hour or two of childcare. She’s away for lunch, getting her nails done etc and has no concept of what its like. I get that it’s not her responsibility but I just feel like everyone’s kind of forgot that I’m dealing with all of this 🤦🏼‍♀️ I almost resent other mums when we go to classes and I’m sprinting out the door while they’re away for a leisurely coffee after. My friend is on mat leave and keeps saying how hard it is (it is) and she has her mum at her house 2 full days a week. It doesn’t help that my husband constantly says ‘I’d love to be at home with him all day!’ if I say anything about it being hard going. Just feel like I’m trying to do so much and no one cares enough to even offer to help 😩

You are the parent, you are on leave to look after baby in that initial year and to recover from birth, not to set up a business.

Find yourself a child minder in preparation for returning to work full time.

I think there's a basic misunderstanding here between what you consider to be your mum's "desperation" to babysit and hers. My mum couldn't wait to babysit her grandkids.... but she meant babysit in the true sense of the word: the odd evening while he and Dh got dinner, or a lovely trip out with granny to the playground with ice cream. Not set childcare to cover my work schedule. That's not babysitting, it's childcare.

If you are working at your own business and in an office, you need to pay for childcare. And let's be very clear - this needs to be childcare paid for by you and Dh together, NOT just you. His comment that he'd "love to be at home all day" demonstrates that he doesn't seem to understand that you're working AND looking after the baby and I suspect your'e going to need to address that when you suggest nursery a few mornings a week (or whatever you decide on)>

You are still on maternity leave? I know you are working from home, but you said you’re going back to the office when he’s 1?

Maybe that’s why she’s not helping as much as you want. Maternity leave is when you look after your own baby.

Are you allowed to have a second job (even if self-employment) while on maternity leave from your primary job? Sorry, off topic, just interested.

Why aren't you putting DC in childcare?

Your DM has a life.

I'm sure she loves your baby deeply and doesn't see the relationship as a novelty.

I find it hard to understand the reasoning behind new mums disappointment realising they've to look after their own DC.

Arrange a nursery for childcare.

If DM takes the baby once a month for a break you'll be doing better than most.

My pregnant friend who has a 20 y.o and 13 y.o is devastated her DM has said she won't be hands on this time, she took her DD's every weekend for year's.

I prefer to do my own parenting or pay for childcare.

You're on maternity leave. Your mum has looked after him for you and she will be doing regular childcare in a couple of months.

Are you genuinely begrudging her getting her hair done? Why should she sacrifice that to care for your baby while you're on maternity leave?

Pay for childcare if you want childcare like everyone else.

Seriously?! Your sense of entitlement is extraordinary.

Of course your mother is off having lunches and not taking responsibility for a baby - she doesn’t have one. Get paid childcare if you are working or do it in the evenings/weekends/nap time. You are incredibly lucky she has offered to have your baby while you are at your regular job, you’ve absolutely taking the proverbial expecting her to offer to have the baby while you set up a business too!

“Everyone’s kind of forgot I’m dealing with this” - they’re just dealing with their own lives. You made your choices, it’s up to you and your partner to make it work. Looking after a baby and working are not extraordinary circumstances where you could expect support from others.

What do you mean she doesn’t know what it’s like?
as for the “dealing with all this”…. Presumably you chose to have a baby and chose to start a business on maternity leave? That’s no one else’s responsibility. I mean, the baby is 50% the father’s responsibility but the own business and baby is you.

Now he’s 9 months my mum will ‘pop in’ regularly but that’s of no use when you just desperately want someone to give you an hour or two of childcare. She’s away for lunch, getting her nails done etc and has no concept of what its like.

Of course she knows she brought you up, probably without help.
You choose to start the new business venture during the time you're supposed to be recovering and bonding.
You need to grow up and lay more responsibility on the child's father.

I almost resent other mums when we go to classes and I’m sprinting out the door while they’re away for a leisurely coffee after.

Is someone forcing you to start a business against your will?

Sounds like you've bitten off more than you can chew. Stop the business and enjoy the rest of your maternity leave. Go to the classes and enjoy the leisurely coffee.

I haven’t arranged paid childcare as my mum had arranged to take him 2 days per week (voluntarily, I hadn’t asked and don’t ask if she doesn’t offer).

Ive set up my own business due to my original job making me so ill I have spent my maternity leave desperate not to have to go back so that’s the reason for working while off. yes you are allowed to become self employed while off. I stay up all hours of the night working to be able to afford to live and feed my child.

I was already majorly struggling before posting this and reached out in the hope of some words of support but I’ve had such harsh comments when I’m literally on my knees just trying to survive

@Dilemmaemmaaa Is it more that your mother offered and then took back what she said she’d do that is the issue here?
Because I kind of get that. If she’s said no don’t worry! I’ll look after him twice a week and then after you’ve started setting up business to not stick to that then I guess I’d be a bit miffed too

I almost resent other mums when we go to classes and I’m sprinting out the door while they’re away for a leisurely coffee after.
Welcome to motherhood.
I have no back up care I've to wait on my DP to come home, I'm lucky there are single parents who've no support or break ever.
Glass half full. 🍹

It’s a big ask to start a business on mat leave. I’ve had babies and I have a relatively successful business but I couldn’t have done them simultaneously.
Are your classes with baby or child-free? Lovely as they are, is that time you could claw back?
Do you have a partner who could step up to give you time to work? If not, will you be eligible for benefits to support you while you get your business underway (including childcare allowance).

It does sound like you have bitten off more than you can chew (it would be too much for most people), so you’ll need to navigate what your priority is. Work or the business?

If you're literally on your knees just trying to survive, you need to reconfigure. You need to give up your business, or put your kid in nursery, or your DH needs to do more, but it needs to be sorted out from within your household. Your mother isn't the problem here. The problem is how you're running your life.

I was self-employed with DD1 and went back to work when she was around seven months old but I couldn't have done any meaningful work during day with her around; I worked in the evenings when she was in bed and at weekends when DH was at home and could look after her. It does mean you don't have much spare time but that's just kind of the way it has to work if you don't have childcare.

Are you a single parent?

No, her mum is still giving her two free days of childcare, that's just not enough for OP.

OP, having a child is tough, it can be thankless and unrelenting and it's easy to be jealous of others who seem to have it easier, but the only people who can solve this are you and your partner. Your mum sounds like she's doing a lot taking you child twice a week for free. Times are tough but there are very few people who are going to think you're being reasonable blaming others for not giving you free child care. That said I do feel for you and have felt like this at times as well but it is unreasonable. I hope you feel better soon and wish you luck in your business. If I was in your shoes I'd look around for affordable childcare to give you that time to focus on your business, hopefully it will pay off in the end if you can build it up now.

You probably should have posted a less entitled initial post if you wanted support. The way you have worded it is terrible. Many mums on here are just trying to get by but dont expect their mum to do the childcare. Is there a reason why you cant look for employed work elsewhere? Staying where you are or starting a business are not the only 2.options, it sounds like you dont have the capacity for the business right now.

I've been a childminder for over 20yrs. A larger than you'd expect proportion of my business has come from people previously using family for childcare. In the interest of maintaining family relationships you need to get proper paid childcare.

She’s away for lunch, getting her nails done etc and has no concept of what its like.

Of course she knows - she raised you. When your children get older, you get time for going out for lunch and getting your nails done, she's not being selfish by enjoying the freedom she now has.

I get that it’s not her responsibility but I just feel like everyone’s kind of forgot that I’m dealing with all of this

I don't mean this as harshly as it sounds, but... it's not anyone's job to remember that. Millions of people are parents, and (unfortunately, when you're absolutely drowning in it!) it's not especially unusual or special to be dealing with lots of stuff, and it's not anyone else's job to keep that at the front of their mind and help you out.

Just feel like I’m trying to do so much and no one cares enough to even offer to help

I can hear the stress and exhaustion but instead of framing it as nobody cares enough to help, think of it as - it's nobody else's job to help. That sounds horrible, but instead of feeling like you're waiting for support you should have that isn't forthcoming, evaluate what you (and DH) can do and work with that - then you're not feeling like you're getting something you should be and you're looking at the situation as it is which is that having a small baby is expensive and time consuming and that unfortunately not a lot of the options to help - nannies, expensive paid childcare, not working, splitting part time hours with DH to share the load - are ideal. It's shit and this country has such expensive childcare that I sympathise, but that's what the deal is and you just have to find a way to make it work.

stay up all hours of the night working to be able to afford to live and feed my child

thay does sound hard. How come the father doesn’t financially contribute?

Where's your husband/ partner in all this? Does he work Monday- Friday? Could you do a big chunk of work on the weekend?

Ultimately it's not up to your mum to do all the childcare, she has offered a lot.

You need to sit down with your husband/ partner and figure this out. Your mum isn't the bad guy.

Do you really think your own mother has no concept of what having a small baby is like 🤔interesting.

If you had arranged those 2 days with your Mum and she now doesn't want to do it anymore then why not change your plans as well and sort out paid childcare now if you're struggling?