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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run related

35 replies

Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 09:15

I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable (my DH has apologised which also makes it a bit of a moot point). On Fridays I collect the DC (own and DSC) within a 30min window as I have to go and get them whenever I don't have any meetings, but for the most part it's always the same time, and I've never cancelled or changed the time apart from once. That day I could only get them earlier than usual and if not my DH would have to go and get them. My DD was fine but my DSC weren't ready and my DSS panicked so their dad ended up going to get them (so two trips). Their mother has now said that is unacceptable and that she needs a guaranteed pick up time (that up until that day hasn't been an issue). So my DH told her that the only guaranteed time was if he picked them up. However my DD (and her dad) don't like her to wait around for that extra couple of hours until he can get them. Two trips is silly as it's a 1hr round trip. So was I being unreasonable to get annoyed with my DH for agreeing to something that impacted everyone and not just his children? That is only convenient for his exW, but didn't even considered asking what my opinion would be about it? I got annoyed almost in principle (there's only 3 Fridays left and my DD is taking public transport from September) so in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal, it's the not taking me (and my daughter) into consideration that annoyed me.

OP posts:
Simbobbly · 08/07/2022 09:26

I wonder if this mainly about end-of-term-itis. Your DSD got a bit overwhelmed about something she could normally handle, because it's been a long term and she is hot and tired.

Adults need to step back, acknowledge her feelings which are real and valid, but not make kneejerk permanent changes based on how she felt yesterday.

Mally100 · 08/07/2022 09:36

Maybe I misunderstood, but you went to collect ds earlier than their usual pick up time. If that is it, then yabu and their dm is rightly asking for a guaranteed time.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 09:42

My stepson panics easily (so his mum is probably just trying to protect him).

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 09:45

I was there earlier than usual (by 20 mins) ... The thing was I asked my DH if he thought it would be ok, so off I went (he didn't consult properly with them). But why create a blanket policy that affects everyone when it has worked absolutely fine (apart from that one off).

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DasGirl · 08/07/2022 09:46

I'm confused, you mention school run, were you taking them out of school early?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 09:49

No I wasn't! They normally wait in their other parents' home.

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Mally100 · 08/07/2022 09:53

So why not just stick to your original time, the one that previously worked for all of you. I'm confused about that.

DasGirl · 08/07/2022 09:54

Ah that makes sense now. I couldn't work out how you could just turn up early to pick up from school!

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 08/07/2022 09:55

Is dss getting help for his anxiety? Surely being in a car with you a few mins earlier isn't an unreasonable scenario?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 09:57

Mally that particular day I had a meeting at the usual time, so it was either earlier or later. This meeting came out of nowhere, and in that sense works comes first. It has been the only time this has happened on a Friday though (which is the only relevant day for my DSC).

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LittleOwl153 · 08/07/2022 09:57

Clearly yes your husband shouldn't have changed your dd or your schedule without some kind of conversation.

If he'd said we'll do what we can for the next 3 weeks, but we can change it from Sept so that I always do pickup then thats fine as it doesn't impact others.

Sadly looks like another case of the unthinking man saying whatever he needs to to get the (woman, mother, wife, ex) off his case without thinking of the impact on others.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 09:59

No Cameron he doesn't get any help. I don't know if his panics attacks are bad enough for any sort of intervention, I stay out of it.

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Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 10:00

Yes Owl exactly that!

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stuntbubbles · 08/07/2022 10:01

Mally100 · 08/07/2022 09:36

Maybe I misunderstood, but you went to collect ds earlier than their usual pick up time. If that is it, then yabu and their dm is rightly asking for a guaranteed time.

How is being 20 minutes early – as a one-off! – remotely unreasonable? Life happens, traffic happens. She wasn’t seven hours late or got the day wrong.

Ponoka7 · 08/07/2022 10:03

Perhaps he did consider you but as there's only three weeks left, thought that minimising his son's anxiety should be the focus? He knows his DS issues as does the Mother, they've come up with a plan that will help with them. People on here don't get an opinion. You might think that it is stupid, but as a GM that has to run around helping my DD with her children who have additional needs, because their Dad thinks their needs can be ignored, it's nice to see he's onboard with a workable plan. It's a shame that you aren't.

Ponoka7 · 08/07/2022 10:05

"I don't know if his panics attacks are bad enough for any sort of intervention, I stay out of it."

Then don't expect to be consulted. The boys parents are doing what he needs.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 10:13

No my DH didn't consider my DSS needs, nor that there were only three weeks left. (He only realised after I mentioned it). Their mother has demanded that we needed to get them early (and not when my DH can) before because she'd line to go for after work drinks which is fine, but the whole thing is now contradiction. The panic comes from "not being ready" for collection.

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stayingpositiveifpossible · 08/07/2022 10:39

Yes to endoftermitus

ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/07/2022 10:49

I don't understand this, What time are you collecting them? where are you collecting them from? Where is your dd waiting around for a couple of hours?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 10:52

Normally I collect them between 4-40. They're all waiting in their respective other parents' homes.

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ZeroFuchsGiven · 08/07/2022 11:10

So Your DH is not your DDs dad?

However my DD (and her dad) don't like her to wait around for that extra couple of hours until he can get them

Why on earth would her Dad not 'like her to wait' her at his house for a couple of hours or her not want to be there This seems like a bigger problem to me.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 11:31

No my DH is not my DD dad. He doesn't like it because well she's by herself for for almost 3 hours.

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Ilovedthe70s · 08/07/2022 11:40

No doubt I am being a bit dim and not reading properly but presumably you had called to let your step son know that you were going to be collecting him early?

DasGirl · 08/07/2022 11:44

How old are the DC and why can they not be ready earlier if schools already finished for the day?
I take it they were given notice you were coming earlier? Quick call/text to say you'll be there in half an hour?

What is it they need to do that they can't be ready at half an hour's notice? Were they at a play date or after school activity?This is what your DH should be addressing.

I would just be dealing with your own DD and leave the rest of them to it. As you say, it's quite unreasonable to have to have an EXACT time that can't be slightly altered. And your DD will be self travelling soon so not your problem then.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 08/07/2022 12:11

Yes everybody got notified. Definitely not enough notice in my DSS's eyes as he likes to get changed, pack a bag, etc... In any case maybe my DH shouldn't have agreed with me that day that it was a good idea to go there early and that it was best for him to collect them, god knows at this point. DD -12, DSD - 10, DSS - 16

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