Fair way to split the bills

[Bluebird21]

I’d really like to get some thoughts on how to split the bills with DP, please.

Background is we’ve been together for 4 years, lived together for 18 months. However DP told me last week that he only considers that we’ve properly been together for 6 months as that’s when he packed up his place, let it out, and moved his stuff into mine. I have one DC aged 12.

I am the higher earner but I have sole financial responsibility for my DC. My ex-DH doesn’t pay a penny in support (that’s a different story).

We are currently renting, and we both have our own places that we are renting out. We’re living and working in a different area for the next 1-3 years so it doesn’t make sense to buy here. My DP is almost mortgage free (1 year to go), so the rent easily covers his mortgage payment, whereas I have another 15 years to go on my mortgage and I have to top up the rental income quite significantly to make the mortgage payment each month. Also, because my job requires me to move around, I made the decision for my DC to go to boarding school for stability, and so I have significant school fees to pay from September.

For the first year we lived together, DP and I split grocery costs 50/50 and I paid the rent and bills for the house we are living in. He was still paying bills on his empty house. For the last 6 months, he’s been paying 1/3 of the rent and utility bills. He was also using my second car everyday (I was paying everything but petrol), although he’s bought his own car a few weeks ago, and I paid for his annual gym membership. I also pay all the costs for our cleaner, and everything for DC, except for the groceries which we pay 50/50 and that covers the dog and DC’s food too.

I’d like him to pay 50/50 for the bills and make a contribution towards the cleaner’s wages. And then next year, when we renew our lease, either pay 50/50 on rent or move somewhere cheaper so he pays the same amount as now.

I earn about 3x as much as him, but if he has a good month, he might earn 40% of what I earn. We pay for everything out of income, no family or other money. We have about the same in pensions/savings.

AIBU to move to a 50/50 split of the bills? Thanks for your thoughts.

I think 50/50 isn't fair if you earn three times as much - rent and bills should be split proportionally to wages imo (unless you're a one pot style household, which it sounds like you're not). Ignoring the car use / gym payments (if he was paying 50% of food including for your dog and DC) in the past, sorting out something to go forward with would make sense to be based on wages. It'll be different as you also have to pay for boarding school, but that's your choice and your child. I personally wouldn't be counting that in the bills to be split.

If he only has a year left on the mortgage property that he's renting out, then in a year that'll count towards income and mean the proportional shift might change? As the rental income can count within his income. Topping up your rental income is again probably a you burden, is the rent you're charging too low? Is the mortgage payment overpaying and can be lowered? It wouldn't make sense for him to contribute towards your mortgaged house.

It depends on what he is actually earning though before saying 50/50 isn't fair. I agree that on average wages where there is a disparity then it should be proportionate. Not if one is earning 100k to the others 150k.

Completely disagree with PP.

You own your own houses and have very different financial situations. You’ve not been together long by your DP’s estimations - I’m not sure why he would say the 6 month thing unless it was to establish that you’re still two independent people rather than one unit. Therefore your finances are separate - you should pay 50/50 on rent and bills ensuring that you live somewhere that you can both afford, like you suggested. Then if you want to be generous and occasionally pay for something like his gym or let him use the second car as an acknowledgment that you earn more then you can, as and when you want to.

If and when you step the commitment up you might like to do as PP suggests and split bills according to earnings. Ie if you shared children or got married or at least spoke about this being a committed forever type relationship.

From what you have said you could afford to pay all the bills on your own. Why do you have a second car? Do you really need three cars between you?

That is a massive difference in income but as you say you also have school fees. But the food bill should drop if the DC is boarding.

Is the rental income being declared to HMRC, and income tax paid on it?

How committed are you both to the relationship? Is it worth holding onto two houses? Would you be better selling one but investing money in a Lifetime ISA?

Couple of ways of splitting the bills.
All bills in the pot including school fees, gym and mortgage top up then split 30 / 70 changing to reflect income changes. But remember money needs to be put aside for the owned houses for maintenance and any time between tenants.

Look at all bills split so that you have similar free cash at end of the month.

Or split joint bills 50/50.

Rent / mortgage should always be 50/50 everything after that is up for negotiation. I earn a lot more than my DH but housing is always 50/50 - after all if we divorced it's our biggest asset and no way would have I been happy with a 70/30 split and him take 50.

If you're renting somewhere with a extra bedroom for your DC then i think he should be paying half of what a similar one bed would cost. The rest of it split according to income.

Why is he living rent free in your rental property?

some people are trying to have it both ways, saying your child, your choice, your school fees, BUT your higher income should sub him?!?!

until you both want a 'one pot' joint life, then he should be paying his way. Would he be happy to move to a smaller rental if you didn't need a bedroom for DD? If he would then I'd say 50/50 on what that would cost. Depending on how much time DD lives at home (weekly boarding? Term boarding??) a fair split of the utilities 60/40? But 50/50 on council tax etc. (you'll have lost you living alone discount too!!)

How much he earns isn't really relative because he needs to live there for work, so he has to pay to live somewhere!! & unless house sharing he's not going to live any cheaper!!

cocklodger!! Especially when he says you've only been together 6 months in his eyes...which random man were youbhousing for free???

Proportionate to income or everything in, including DC boarding bills and you take the same amount for spending money each. Even if your DC at boarding school you'll still need a bigger place then for just you and him, he shouldn't be having to pay any of that extra rent, or the extra bill costs from having a bigger house. Especially with he earn more and you're the only one with DC. He shouldn't be expected to support DC monetarily especially given you earn a lot more.

Utilities don't charge according to income, why split according to income when he has other income & OP has other expenses, that makes no sense to me.

It needs to be proportional for couples who don’t earn a similar amount, if the wages were reversed I doubt you would be happy paying 50% and having much lower fun money and much less money to save each month.

I’m not sure about you effectively subsidising him at this early stage in your relationship. This is early days. You are not married. You have a mortgage with years left to run. And you have sole responsibility for a child into the future.

Although you earn more, maybe at this stage your spare money should be saved rather than subsidising him?

The fact that you’re supplementing your rental income to pay the mortgage on your owned property is irrelevant - and quite surprising as rents generally far exceed mortgage costs!
The fact that your child is at boarding school is also irrelevant.
pensions and savings are irrelevant - you’re not married so neither one has a claim on the other persons.
That leaves the cost of living in your joint rental property. I’m assuming that you’ve elected to rent out somewhere big enough for your child to live there with you - therefore rent should be split 66/33 in his favour.
Regarding bills, they should be 60/40 in his favour as your ds isn’t at home for most of the year. I’d split food costs 50/50 except when ds is on school holidays, then change to 66/33. Obviously you pay all costs associated with ds.
Cost of the cleaner - if he’s disputing splitting this cost equally, then just ask the cleaner to do certain tasks, you pay her in full and he does the remaining tasks!
As far as the cars are concerned, what you’ve said is a bit confusing. But I’d expect each of you to fully t]fund your own car costs.

Utilities might not charge per income but a bigger house costs more to heat.

How much say did he have in choice of house? Op moved in 12 mths before him.

Agree with this.
The man has substantial wealth and just one year left of a mortgage on his house.

The OP has a child, for whom she pays to board and 15 years left on her mortgage which is higher.

She has no responsibility to subsidise this man - at all.

You pay for other things which he happily accepts. Fine, but for rent and bills - he needs to pay his share.

The fact that he wasn’t before and also says ‘technically’ you’ve only been together for 18 months is ridiculous quite frankly.

Your higher earnings are to benefit you and DC, not him.

He is beginning to encroach on CL territory.

They’re not married and she earns way, way more. Why would anyone do this with a guy who says ridiculous things about the length of time they’ve been together and obstinately refuses to pay a fair amount, whilst accepting being subsidised.

In his situation I would have never allowed someone to do this for me, or describe my relationship with them this way.

Thanks for all the replies. Lots to think about.

I’m 50 and he’s nearly 60, if that makes any difference. No more children in our future anyway.

I’m absolutely not suggesting school fees should be split. That’s my responsibility and I’m paying 100% of all the school fees, clubs, holidays for my DC now out of income. Senior boarding school is even more expensive and sure it’s my choice, but it does lower my disposable income a lot.

Yes, all rental income is declared. I own a house in Australia and rents are low compared to purchase costs, so even though my mortgage is only 50%, it’s high, and the rent only covers the interest cost. This is my home country and I want to stay in the market in case I need to return there for family reasons. I also own a flat (mortgaged) in the U.K., and this is rented because I’m working on assignment elsewhere. Again, I want to stay in the market so don’t want to sell it. DP has a house near my flat. It’s worth about 2x my flat.

I was living in the rented house before he moved in with me. I had bought a new car but hadn’t sold the old one and he ended up using it for 18 months before I sold it very recently.

I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m subsiding a grown man, yet I have me and my child to look after. We’re both high earners, he’s able to save half his salary, so it’s not like he couldn’t afford to pay a bit extra for bills!

When you are married, have made a lifelong commitment and ALL assets, expenses and debts are considered out of one pot, then fair enough to pool money then spend, not until before then.

OP, may I ask, after all costs associated with your child (clearly your responsibility which you acknowledge) what does your money look like versus his. Monthly that is if you were average our cost for your D over a year and deduct from your monthly total.

Ignore rent and mortgages, and all other outgoings for now etc for now!

I don't think 50/50 is fair. It's irrelevant that his property is nearly paid off but yours isn't & that you have to support your dc solely.

If he was the higher earner in your shoes expecting 50/50 posters would say it was unfair.

DP has a house near my flat. It’s worth about 2x my flat.

But you also have a place in Australia

Ok fair enough. Others have made me see the error of my thinking.

He should pay half the market rent on a 1 bed property if you have a 2 bed due to your DC.
Utilities split half and then you chuck extra in for your DC when they are there.
Food, either you share it all and you pay 2/3rd when your DC is there or you shop separately.

It's still early days really and until you decide to commit then it's best to keep it as if you are housemates financially.

He shouldn't have to pay more because you've chosen for your child to go to boarding school.

Jesus, the man is 60, not 18 and just starting out.
He needs to pay his fair share of outgoing and manage his ‘own’ money and finances accordingly, just as people are telling the OP to do with her child and high mortgage.

Think about the future of your child OP and the extra money being used for this- not subsidising this fellow who says ‘we’ve only been together for six months’

What person in a six month relationship expects to be heavily subsidised?! He can’t have it both ways.

Also don't pay his gym membership and he should be paying for the cleaner or cleaning himself