Fair way to split the bills

[Bluebird21]

I’d really like to get some thoughts on how to split the bills with DP, please.

Background is we’ve been together for 4 years, lived together for 18 months. However DP told me last week that he only considers that we’ve properly been together for 6 months as that’s when he packed up his place, let it out, and moved his stuff into mine. I have one DC aged 12.

I am the higher earner but I have sole financial responsibility for my DC. My ex-DH doesn’t pay a penny in support (that’s a different story).

We are currently renting, and we both have our own places that we are renting out. We’re living and working in a different area for the next 1-3 years so it doesn’t make sense to buy here. My DP is almost mortgage free (1 year to go), so the rent easily covers his mortgage payment, whereas I have another 15 years to go on my mortgage and I have to top up the rental income quite significantly to make the mortgage payment each month. Also, because my job requires me to move around, I made the decision for my DC to go to boarding school for stability, and so I have significant school fees to pay from September.

For the first year we lived together, DP and I split grocery costs 50/50 and I paid the rent and bills for the house we are living in. He was still paying bills on his empty house. For the last 6 months, he’s been paying 1/3 of the rent and utility bills. He was also using my second car everyday (I was paying everything but petrol), although he’s bought his own car a few weeks ago, and I paid for his annual gym membership. I also pay all the costs for our cleaner, and everything for DC, except for the groceries which we pay 50/50 and that covers the dog and DC’s food too.

I’d like him to pay 50/50 for the bills and make a contribution towards the cleaner’s wages. And then next year, when we renew our lease, either pay 50/50 on rent or move somewhere cheaper so he pays the same amount as now.

I earn about 3x as much as him, but if he has a good month, he might earn 40% of what I earn. We pay for everything out of income, no family or other money. We have about the same in pensions/savings.

AIBU to move to a 50/50 split of the bills? Thanks for your thoughts.

I think 50/50 bills is unreasonable given you earn so much more.

I know I earn more, but I’m financially responsible for 2 people. We’re not married and he could just up and leave any time, and then I’ve spent money that I could have saved for mine and DCs future

This is sophistry tbh.

you don’t HAVE to live with him, you could stay in your original house and save and live separately.

You’ve chosen to live as a family and asymmetrical finances can be part of that.

He sounds like a greedy bastard. You have a dependent child and your own future to secure. Every penny he takes off you is money not going to your child.

50/50 is absolutely fair imo, the dc is boarding so little impact on bills imo

But not of dc school fees, I mean the household costs including food, utilities, insurance, rent etc

Add all the bills up, pay bills. Split the remainder.
Or he's pays 1/3 of all bills you pay 2/3

YABU big time

You earn 3x more and you and your child make up 2/3 of those living and using utilities.

He should be paying no more than 1/3 of bills and food. Less tbh considering the imbalance in terms of salary.

Thanks, all. Looks like IABU. Always hard to see from your own perspective, so appreciate the alternative views.

ALl those are sayign 1/3 the OP DC will be at boarding school in september

Is your suggestion that the DC must have all their stuff packed away so their room been be used for something else? And not be allowed home for weekends, half term, Christmas etc?

No but then a 60/40 split would take that into account and reflect the time that the child was there - because that seems to be the fairest surely @MRex or are you assuming that they are renting an extra bedroom because of it

@Bluebird21 what are you actually thinking of renting though - I get the impression he wouldnt want a 1 bedroom anyway

To be honest once it has gotten this complicated and he has condense a 4 year relationship into 6 months it is time to call it

It’s a 4 bedroom house. I was living in this house before he moved in.

For the same amount he contributes, he could rent a small one bedroom flat on his own. His preference is definitely to live in a bigger place, and to live with me.

It sounds like you're re-evaluating the finances because of his ridiculous comment about the length of the relationship.

The above has made you feel insecure, and that perhaps he's been less serious about it all, and you're possibly being taking taken for a ride by a freeloader, as you had in the past.

Setting the above aside, if you earn 3 times his salary, bills really should be split 25/75, with you paying the higher amount. I say this as someone who earned 2 times what my EXDP earned, and so I paid 67%, while he paid 33%.

If he earns £50k and you earn £150k, it's really not fair to do it any other way, leave aside the properties/pensions/savings etc, and he shouldn't be penalised for the fact you choose to spend your disposable income on boarding school for your DC (which I appreciate would take up a huge chunk of your take-home pay).

I think you have been very generous and he should be paying 50%. I think he is expecting to have his cake and eat it - doesn’t want to contribute, but would love to live half the year in Australia in the house YOU are paying for, some day? Uses your car for a year and doesn’t pay an amount to reflect his mileage will have caused its value to drop when you sell?

he is treating your assets and generosity as 100% his, but expecting to pay less than half of everything. He cant have it both ways.

I would be putting my foot down and being extremely focused on detail to ensure the finances being split more fairly. I might answer differently if he was on a low income but he is on a higher income and it is very reasonable to expect him to contribute.

sorry op you are right, he is taking advantage of you

That was my first thought too.. what's he been doing for the first year or so!

@Bluebird21 you are NOT being unreasonable. Not at all. The only bit you've been unreasonable about is subsidising a(another) grown man who is taking advantage of you.

Plus he's either thick or emotionally abusing you? If he's saying you've only been together properly 6 months, ask him who was living in your house, driving your car for the previous year and doing xyz prior to that.

I know you don't want to think too hard about it because you might come to a conclusion you don't want to come to, but better to be alone than with a bloke who is more likely to wipe his shoes on you, than pick you up should you fall over. (I'm your age SO is 60, so I know how it feels to be considering if the relationship is really working or not at our age/stage of life).

Protect both your heart & your finances, he certainly doesn't sound like he's got your best interests st heart. If he doesn't now, he never will.

@alphapie

why is only the salary relevant, why not his income from his rental property?

He's saving a huge amount each month, while sponging off the OP.

I don’t think your other properties are relevant. Or that you allowed him to borrow your car. This is about day to day living costs for the three of you. If you split bills 50:50 he is subsidising your child. Considering that he is one of three people and earns a third of what you earn, the current arrangement doesn’t seem unfair.

I think YABU to want 50/50, but YANBU to reevaluate your relationship after his comment that he's only considered the last 6 months a proper relationship. A PPs suggestion of 60/40 feels balanced to me. Your DC is not an adult and isn't always going to be there, but you will have increased housing and bill costs due to needing more then one bedroom.

If my partner of 4 years said we had only been together for 6 months, he would get the boot. Completely disrespectful. WTAF?!

I reckon he is saying that to pay less, and coast along until
his property is paid off at which point he will break up with you.

Your child is at boarding school, not unreasonable for him to split groceries while child is at school. He should pay for what he is eating. He used your car for ages, but “you weren’t together”?! He can’t pay towards a cleaner in the house that he lived in rent free for 1 year, even though he can afford it.

This isn’t about finances, it’s about your relationship.

Ditch the dodo!

He should be paying 50% of rent, bills including cleaner and his own gym membership and food etc. Also he should have paid for the car tax and insurance and any repairs whilst he was using it.

you’re not married and he has more assets and less responsibilities than you. Plus he can easily afford it so why the hell should you subside him??

The important bit for me is that you are both high earners, so 50/50 in household and daily living costs seems appropriate, including the cleaner! And as he's a high earner, why did you pay his gym costs?

I can't understand other's talk of e.g. 70/30 or whatever on food costs depending on whether your child is home or away at school, even though you're not married you're surely some sort of 'family unit', particularly as your DC's father is not involved.

Picking over percentages is important when both are low/average earners, or one high one low, other children involved and shared residency, one an owner the other not, etc., but he is also a high earner just not as much as you, so he should be sharing equally IMO.

YANBU op.

He has been living off you and then tells you that you haven't been together?

Raise your standards.

Surely though if renting without a child you would rent a 2 bed maximum together?

Not a 4bed. So not sure why he should pay 50% of that.