To think the teacher shouldn’t have said this?

[FawnFrenchieMum]

DD & her friend were pulled to one side in class and told they are going to be separated in class going forward as another child has complained that they have been talking about and laughing about her. DD swears they haven’t but obviously no way of knowing the truth. The child who has made the report, is diagnosed with ASD (relevant to the next part). We know this because she was encouraged to announce her diagnosis to the class so they could talk about ASD and raise awareness.

During the telling off, the teacher apparently said ‘both you girls should know better as you both have siblings with disabilities’. Now I’m not sure this should have been said. He has no idea whether we have discussed her siblings fairly recent diagnosis’s, even if my DD knows, surely it’s confidential and shouldn’t be shared with other children? And it’s almost shaming them into making them feel guilty.

Did the teacher do it as a back patting self congratulatory look how inclusive I am exercise?

Did they do this in class when other children were present?

You are being ridiculous. Focus your attention on the fact that your dd and her friend were behaving so badly that they need to be separated instead of a harmless comment from the teacher.

I can see your point, a bit, but assuming your daughter was being unkind to the other girl, and the teacher obviously believes she was, then he’s trying to make her understand what it might feel like to be on the receiving end of unkindness. Which is quite an important lesson.

I think you might be deflecting what’s actually bothering you about this.

Aren’t most people open about disabilities now?

I would let it go. Have you ever said anything you regretted? I know I have. The teacher is probably very tired this close to the end of term. Use it as a way to talk about adults making mistakes etc

I’ve absolutely spoken to my DD about what has happened, she is totally adamant it didn’t happen. I genuinely don’t know who is telling the truth, there is a chance DD is lying and has been unkind with her friend, the other child is also well known for thinking people are talking about her or causing issues within friendships that she may also be mistaken over what happened. I’ve spoken to my DD about how disappointed I would be if it’s true and she is no longer able to sit with her friend in class so she’s definitely had her punishment if she did do it.

Im just not sure it’s the teachers job to share my other child’s personal disabilities. He doesn’t like people knowing and doesn’t like me telling people.

Not all teenagers who are desperately trying to come to terms with their conditions and want to fit in with their friends.

So one girl makes an accusation and that's it, DD and her friend are guilty and punished? Doesn't seem fair to me before you even get to informing people about other children's, disabiliites.

YANBU. It was inappropriate of the teacher to reveal personal family information in front of the class. I'm a teacher and I absolutely wouldn't have done so. And it sounds as though you have dealt with the matter appropriately with your dd - I'm not sure why other posters jumped to the conclusion that you hadn't.

Well there is that too. It’s class time so no one has a right to sit with their friends. They have sat together all year though without issue until now. i think they are keen to show the other child she’s is listened to.

Exactly, so is teacher saying they've witnessed this, or have they taken a statement and made themselves judge and jury?

As a member of school staff I wouldn't have had that sort of conversation just pulled aside in a classroom. I also would have asked what happened rather than just punish people without hearing both sides of the story.

But yes, I agree, if it wasn't open knowledge about your other DC's disabilities, mentioning like that wasn't on. I can see how it was meant, but not on. A simple email asking them not to mention it as if it is public knowledge will be enough though. I'd be more angry that they didn't discuss what had happened rather than just assume to be honest.

Why is it whenever anybody child is found to be doing something, the parent always looks to deflect! I think there was a similar thread when somebody child was bullying and that parent raised some trivial point of the teacher dealing with it rather than actually acknowledge that their child was a bully? 🙄

@Teeturtle so if a classmate of your child said 'mini teeturtle did xyz' you'd say absolutely they did, no questions asked!

I agree that whether it was unkindness or misinterpretation, it should have been dealt with by speaking to the kids privately about what happened. And YANBU about the teacher revealing sensitive family information.

I’ve acknowledged what my child may or may not have done. We’ve had a long chat about if she has been mean how that would make the other child feel. It was during this conversation that she told me what the teacher had said about them both having siblings with disabilities and should know better.
Im not deflected or ignoring what may have happened. As the school haven’t notified me I assume they feel that they have dealt with it from a behaviour perspective. I only know this has happened by my DD telling me. She didn’t have to tell me and end up in trouble at home as well.

If others can sit with friends they are being punished though and the fact that they appear to be found guilty automatically is unfair.

I can see the point about listening to the child but it is giving her tremendous power over the other children if she can make accusations without any attempt to investigate.

None of it sounds right to me and your poor son is definitely entitled to his privacy. Is he at the same school?

You are correct - the teacher should not have disclosed to your daughter's friend that your other chold has a disability, and likewise should not have disclosed to your daughter that her friend's sibling has a disability.

Thankfully not any more, he’s in senior school and the girls are in primary.

I did speak to DDs friends mum about it and she agreed it wasn’t the right thing to say. She was less concerned about the privacy part as her other DD also goes to the school and has a more obvious disability, all the children in DD class know her quite well. She was concerned that the girls were almost made to feel more guilty if it was true because of their siblings.

Why are you assuming they are being punished unfairly? Maybe this hasn't been dealt with in the most tactful way but teachers don't usually randomly take sides (unless one child has form for behaving in a particular way). Some people on these boards have a really bad opinion of teachers.

This maybe classed as drip feeding but I think I’m more upset as the teacher only knows about DS’s diagnosis’s as I have raised concerns about DD also being on the spectrum and explained that DS had now been diagnosed. This teacher taught DS several years ago pre-diagnosis. I have not told DD my thoughts on her as I wouldn’t tell her unless she also gets a diagnosis.

It's not sharing confidential information or shaming them into feeling guilty. It's making reference to relevant details, to educate and encourage empathy.

As the teacher is right, and your child does have additional needs or difficulties, someone ought to take some responsibility for teaching the sibling not to behave unkindly.

No one in the class is allowed to choose to sit with friends, they have a seating plan. DD was just lucky she was given a seat next to one of her best friends. So I don’t think I can complain they have been moved as they do move children that are not working as well as they hoped around. DD has been lucky to sit next to her friend for the rest of this year. (But this also tells me they don’t generally cause any trouble or would have been moved a long time ago).

Yet again its being assumed that this actually did occur?
@FawnFrenchieMum did the teacher give your dd a chance to give her 'side' or was it straight to 'you did this end of'?