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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the teacher shouldn’t have said this?

29 replies

FawnFrenchieMum · 07/07/2022 21:44

DD & her friend were pulled to one side in class and told they are going to be separated in class going forward as another child has complained that they have been talking about and laughing about her. DD swears they haven’t but obviously no way of knowing the truth. The child who has made the report, is diagnosed with ASD (relevant to the next part). We know this because she was encouraged to announce her diagnosis to the class so they could talk about ASD and raise awareness.

During the telling off, the teacher apparently said ‘both you girls should know better as you both have siblings with disabilities’. Now I’m not sure this should have been said. He has no idea whether we have discussed her siblings fairly recent diagnosis’s, even if my DD knows, surely it’s confidential and shouldn’t be shared with other children? And it’s almost shaming them into making them feel guilty.

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 07/07/2022 22:28

12cats · 07/07/2022 22:24

It's not sharing confidential information or shaming them into feeling guilty. It's making reference to relevant details, to educate and encourage empathy.

As the teacher is right, and your child does have additional needs or difficulties, someone ought to take some responsibility for teaching the sibling not to behave unkindly.

So where does that stop, could they say they shouldn’t hit other people because Jonny’s dad hit Jonny’s mum and now she’s in hospital?

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 07/07/2022 22:31

MichelleScarn · 07/07/2022 22:27

Yet again its being assumed that this actually did occur?
@FawnFrenchieMum did the teacher give your dd a chance to give her 'side' or was it straight to 'you did this end of'?

According to DD (I haven’t actually spoken to the teacher and no report has been made to me as yet), he said this child says your laughing at her and talking about her, they both said they weren’t and then he went on to say well he will have to move them seats to stop it happening and went on to say about their siblings.
They had a cover teacher in class all day, but it was the normal class teacher that came in at the end of the day to have this conversation with them. So I doubt he’s personally witnessed it as he wasn’t in the room all day. I don’t know if any other children have been asked what happened either.

OP posts:
VincaBlue · 07/07/2022 22:32

ancientgran · 07/07/2022 22:15

If others can sit with friends they are being punished though and the fact that they appear to be found guilty automatically is unfair.

I can see the point about listening to the child but it is giving her tremendous power over the other children if she can make accusations without any attempt to investigate.

None of it sounds right to me and your poor son is definitely entitled to his privacy. Is he at the same school?

Op said it's class time so no one can sit with their friends. Normally the teacher decides where kids sit. She just happened to be near her friend

18thCpanniers · 24/03/2023 20:04

You ABU.

While the behaviours of individual autistic children vary greatly, telling outright lies falls into a category of ‘generally not what they do.’ They might sometimes use words that are stronger than the situation warrants (what is normally considered exaggeration, but in the case of children with autism, it may be because of vocabulary limitations, or perhaps otherwise because their perception of an event requires stronger language than another person might use) but it’s unlikely that the autistic child is telling lies about your daughter and her friend.

Few parents want to think their child might choose be unkind to other children, nor to believe that their child might be the instigator of unkindness towards or the bullying of another child, but the fact remains that children are unkind to each other, they do form groups or pairs and bully or otherwise target other children, and regardless of what the teacher said about your other children (no doubt in an exhausted, end-of-term attempt to arouse some empathy for the autistic child), you need to accept that it is likely that your daughter and her friend have been unkind, and that you need to act on it.

There are no excuses for unkind behaviour.
That applies to parents as well as children and teachers.

This is an opportunity for you to practise some empathy & kindness, both to the teacher (cut her a break) and to the child who has, quite rightly, told the teacher about what was making her unhappy. The teacher probably realised that she shouldn’t have mentioned your other child’s disability, nor that of your daughter’s friend’s sibling, as soon as the words left her mouth.
Let it go. If it happens again, whether privately or in front of the class, then call her to have a chat about it, but it could well just be a one-off. It might be helpful to have a chat with your daughter and to reflect together on whether a disability on the family needs to be a private shame rather than something that can be openly talked about.

Teach your daughter to be her best self. She doesn’t have to like everyone, but she does need to be pleasant and respectful towards everyone, and kind when the situation warrants it. Explore with her the thoughts & feelings that trigger unkindness, but do not allow them as excuses: help her to find better ways of managing those feelings, and check in with her regularly (I’d say at least thrice weekly) about how she managed a situation that wasn’t her choice or preference at school (e.g. if she was put in a group or a pair with someone she didn’t know well or didn’t like for some reason).

I know it’s hard. I wish you luck.

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