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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playing my controlling mother at her own game

42 replies

Cherry85 · 07/07/2022 15:31

My mother is a control freak, to an unbelievable level.....to a point that it has caused massive issues in the past and I am the only child currently in her life.

Because I am the only one left I kind of feel I have to stick around, if the others were about I would have cut contact long ago.

She is having a big bbq at the weekend with the wider family and friends coming- my 2 Yr old is the apple of her eye so she wants us there.

We have all been given tasks - dad is on kebabs and burgers, I am on desserts. Dad asked me to get some haloumi and spices etc for him at the shop- she has just found out and accused me of taking over (because I will buy stuff that she doesn't like but everyone else does).

I'm so fed up of how ungrateful she is - we could be going to my husbands nephews 21st birthday that day but are missing it to come to her event.

Would this be the wrong time to put my foot down and tell her to do her own desserts and go to the other party instead?

Yes I know I sound like a toddler 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherry85 · 07/07/2022 15:32

I should add - she probably won't be fussed about me, she'd be more fussed about the lack of desserts and my son to show off lol

OP posts:
Yodaisawally · 07/07/2022 15:32

YABU for facilitating her behaviour.

Harridance · 07/07/2022 15:35

Can't your dad get his own stuff? And not sure I'd want to go to a 21st birthday party of a paetners nephew

Bonheurdupasse · 07/07/2022 15:37

Stop enabling her. Yes go to the other party.
She'll only learn with consequences.

Eatingchips · 07/07/2022 15:38

hmmmmmm these sorts don’t change but they are impossible to deal with. Is the control anxiety or narcissism related. ie is she cruel, manipulative and controlling or anxiety controlling. If it is related to narcissism then grey rock and step back to the level you want to if it is anxiety related I’d be a bit kinder.

SpeckledlyHen · 07/07/2022 15:39

I would just say it is too stressful and you were doing her a favour to help out in the first place and go to the other party. I say this out of experience, my mother exactly the same. She once had a gathering and asked my DH and I (who I had only just recently met) to hand around canapes as if we were staff. I can't believe I obliged but I guess then was still in FOG. It was an ongoing theme, if she was having a dinner party for friends she would ask me to make one of the courses and take it round even though I wasn't invited. I used to just do it before I woke up and stopped. Stop enabling her, it's the only way.

Eatingchips · 07/07/2022 15:39

Bonheurdupasse · 07/07/2022 15:37

Stop enabling her. Yes go to the other party.
She'll only learn with consequences.

Enabling narcissists is the only possible relationship to have with them and not everyone wants to cut off their mother. These situations are never one size fits all.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/07/2022 15:49

Go to your nephew's 21st instead.

Stop putting up with her demanding behaviour.

IF and only if you feel like it, drop off the desserts to the BBQ (I'd drop off a few shop bought desserts and not even the good stuff) and then carry on to the 21st.

She doesn't get to treat you like something she'd wipe off her shoe. It will be picked up by your DD soon enough that Nana treats her mother like that so stop it, and the sooner the better.

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 07/07/2022 16:05

Your Dad should have stuck up for you re the shopping, he asked you to pick up shopping for his share.

I would just do deserts, as you agreed. Don’t pick up anything else, regardless of who asks, don’t deviate. Then in future decide if you would rather do other things, like 21st on this occasion. Don’t always be available

Buythebag40 · 07/07/2022 16:10

Didn't you just say "dad asked me to get that stuff so take it up with him?"

I don't necessarily think you should miss her bbq but you should fight fire with fire - when she's arsey with you get arsey right back! My dm is a bit like this and says lots of passive-aggressive and downright aggressive-aggressive things but in the last few years I have become a lot more assertive and I'm ready for her - she's stopped doing it so much now because she's scared of what il say back!

sleepymum50 · 07/07/2022 16:22

Imagine I am your mum for the day.

“Cherry, you do whatever it is that will make you the happiest. I really don’t mind if you give my BBQ as miss. I can always have another BBQ, but you can’t ever be 21 again.”

I’ll stop being your mum on Sunday.

ForestofD · 07/07/2022 16:22

Does she speak to you like this in front of your son?

IVFPrayingForBioChild · 07/07/2022 16:23

She sounds boring.
Go to the other party and meet some new people.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2022 16:29

Perhaps you need to take heed of the decision your siblings have made. The only things your mother adds to your life is stress and toxic bullshit.

Your siblings figured out that nothing they do will ever change your mother, so they were smart enough to change their own behaviour and make their own boundaries. I'd follow suit if I were you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2022 16:29

"Because I am the only one left I kind of feel I have to stick around, if the others were about I would have cut contact long ago."

So you're allowing your siblings' choices to dictate your choice? You are absolutely allowed to make the same choice that they have already made. Don't subject your daughter to your mother's control, FFS!

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2022 16:30

daughter son

Bollindger · 07/07/2022 16:42

Hi Mum so sorry you think I am trying to take over your party.
DH and I have decided to bow out , we will see you next day, and have a good time,

Zilla1 · 07/07/2022 17:02

Her line about taking over seems the perfect opportunity to withdraw and not provide puddings to give her what she's asked for. 'Am really sorry you feel that way and I'd hate to spoil your BBQ so we'll reluctantly withdraw. I expect you'll make better puddings anyway. Hope you have a good day' then stay at home or off to your Dp's nephews with a clear conscience.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 17:07

Because I am the only one left I kind of feel I have to stick around

Why? That is your own creation, and doesn't exist in the world outside your head. You can solve your own problems by not 'sticking around' anymore.

Take control of the situation.

AlisonDonut · 07/07/2022 17:09

'Ok, I'll leave it, no problem.'

Then leave it. Go to the other party. Start doing other things than see her.

BeyondMyWits · 07/07/2022 17:15

Would you just get Halloumi and spices as requested? Or would you try to take control and add other stuff to her menu.

Seems a very specific thing for her to accuse you of.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 17:46

BeyondMyWits · 07/07/2022 17:15

Would you just get Halloumi and spices as requested? Or would you try to take control and add other stuff to her menu.

Seems a very specific thing for her to accuse you of.

You might be missing the point...

Ilady · 07/07/2022 20:01

I would drop out of your mother's BBQ. You have realised that she wants you their to make her life easier that day and so she can show off her grandchild. Your father asked you to get things she does not like to eat for this BBQ in the shop and she complains about this.
Over the years she has been nasty ect to her other adult children and they have decided to be available as little as possible for her.

Why do you feel that you have to hang around for her? What are you getting in return for doing this?

One of my friends was in a similar situation with her mother. Her mother promised her so many things over the years but then not deliver or claimed she never said X or y.
Like that she also give out the insults and complained as much as possible. She has 2 golden children that are wonderful and so are their kids. But my friend and her sibling are not those.
My friend saw over a number of years that any time she needed help or money it was always in short supply but nothing was to much for the 2 golden children.

One day her mother made a comment about how great it was that my friend finally got X sorted out. My friend had enough and gave her mother a very smart comment back saying that if it was not for another friends help this would not have happened.
Her mother realised then that her lack of help in this matter was noticed.
At this stage my friend spends less time with her mother and has stopped doing all her mother's admin work. My friend is also not letting her away when she makes a smart comment either.

Both my friend and her sibling have made plans to ensure that they won't be available for all the minding or caring that their mother could need in the future. The same woman has favoured her other children by giving them money and helping them out a lot including minding their kids.
Meanwhile my friend and her sister just have to work out how to deal with things. They have to manage on their own as much as possible because of their selfish mother.
The 2 golden siblings have tried unsuccessfully to get the other siblings to do certain things in order that they won't have to mind/drive the mother around in the future.

Herejustforthisone · 07/07/2022 23:44

Stop allowing her to treat you this way. Your siblings are NC, this is no laughing matter. She’s toxic.

I wouldn’t be going to the BBQ, I’d be going to the 21st. And I’d be telling her calmly that It was because she had treated me like shit one too many times.

RedCardigan · 07/07/2022 23:49

Easy, go to the 21st. Birthday comes before random do, by a crazy person. Don’t use the excuse that you are the last sibling yet, follow the others and leave