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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playing my controlling mother at her own game

42 replies

Cherry85 · 07/07/2022 15:31

My mother is a control freak, to an unbelievable level.....to a point that it has caused massive issues in the past and I am the only child currently in her life.

Because I am the only one left I kind of feel I have to stick around, if the others were about I would have cut contact long ago.

She is having a big bbq at the weekend with the wider family and friends coming- my 2 Yr old is the apple of her eye so she wants us there.

We have all been given tasks - dad is on kebabs and burgers, I am on desserts. Dad asked me to get some haloumi and spices etc for him at the shop- she has just found out and accused me of taking over (because I will buy stuff that she doesn't like but everyone else does).

I'm so fed up of how ungrateful she is - we could be going to my husbands nephews 21st birthday that day but are missing it to come to her event.

Would this be the wrong time to put my foot down and tell her to do her own desserts and go to the other party instead?

Yes I know I sound like a toddler 🤣

OP posts:
knockyknees · 08/07/2022 01:07

I would have prioritised the 21st in the first place, over what seems to be just a normal BBQ. So yes, definitely attend the 21st.

On a wider note, if your mother is a PITA all the time, don't feel obliged to stick around just because you're the last kid standing. If your siblings have cut/lowered contact for good reason, then maybe it's something you should consider too if circumstances warrant it.

Mally100 · 08/07/2022 01:36

Eatingchips · 07/07/2022 15:39

Enabling narcissists is the only possible relationship to have with them and not everyone wants to cut off their mother. These situations are never one size fits all.

Show quote history

In that case, op has no right to complain about it because she is choosing to put up with it.

Meraas · 08/07/2022 05:29

Harridance · 07/07/2022 15:35

Can't your dad get his own stuff? And not sure I'd want to go to a 21st birthday party of a paetners nephew

He’s her nephew too, why wouldn’t she want to go, especially when the alternative is her controlling mum? Confused

Weird.

ladydoris · 09/07/2022 09:23

Bring your spices, and the cakes and have a nice time. If you want too. If you don't want to go, say it in advance, prepare yourself. There is always retaliation...

Cherrysoup · 09/07/2022 09:40

Go to the 21st-he won’t be celebrating that again. Stop allowing what your siblings do to push you to do something. If you want to go low or non contact, do so. Stop playing the bloody ‘be nice’ female role.

Original poster
Cherry85 · 09/07/2022 12:31

Update....I caved and came with 3 desserts.

She has just asked me to take the green bits off the strawberries.

  1. I washed the strawberries the wrong way
  2. I dried the strawberries the wrong way
  3. I husked the strawberries the wrong way

Shocker!

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 09/07/2022 12:34

Ok, dessert is sorted. Time to give her a hug, say your farewells and leave. Go to your nephews 21st!

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 09/07/2022 12:37

Tip the strawberries over her head - preferably in front of all her friends - then go to the 21st.

Motnight · 09/07/2022 12:48

Stop expecting your mother to change.

Protect your child.

Eatingchips · 09/07/2022 13:17

Cherry85 · 09/07/2022 12:31

Update....I caved and came with 3 desserts.

She has just asked me to take the green bits off the strawberries.

  1. I washed the strawberries the wrong way
  2. I dried the strawberries the wrong way
  3. I husked the strawberries the wrong way

Shocker!

In her opinion which you need to start giving the respect it deserves ……none.

Narcissists demand respect and people under their control give it but they are not worthy of the respect they demand and you need to start to really believe that and take back your power.

Have you seen the program about the American Cult Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey. The cult leader wielded huge power over the members which they freely gave him. At any time adults in the system could have walked away from what was happening but in numbers they stayed. It is an extreme example of narcissism but the same principles apply. Keep your own power always.

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 09/07/2022 13:17

I'm sorry but you've only got yourself to blame here.

ladydoris · 09/07/2022 13:27

If it's the behaviour it shall be rewarded. I would have put them all in the bin are they are wholly unsuitable and headed to a 21th birthday party bash. If it's too far I would take half of each cake and do a party at my house with hubby and kiddo. She has to know what you are capable of. Otherwise you will end up tiptoing all your life. Don't feel any type of way about something that has nothing to do with you. By the way you have the golden grand kid you can pretty much do whatever you want. You just don't know it yet. I'm being naughty today.

Tippexy · 09/07/2022 13:31

my husbands nephew

is your nephew.,,

LizzieSiddal · 09/07/2022 13:34

Your relationship is toxic and very unhealthy for you. Don’t feel you have to stick around because your siblings have left. What happens if you stand up to her?

PritiPatelsMaker · 09/07/2022 14:02

Why wouldn't you go to the other party where people seem pleased to have you there?

So yeah YABU simply for not going to the other party Wink

Knittedfairies · 09/07/2022 14:49

Go to the other party, and take the strawberries with you.

Takingthepmaybe · 09/07/2022 14:53

Your poor husbands nephew - did your husband go to the 21st?????

youve been just as self centred as your mother by priorities g your personal drama over his 21st.

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