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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For those with SEN child how much do your family help?

53 replies

HoppingKangaroo · 07/07/2022 13:42

We have an autistic 4 year old son with a language delay and issues with his behaviour. These have improved and he has stopped things like the head banging and mostly stopped hitting me. In the past he had no sense of danger and you could not leave him alone at all and taking him places was difficult. The last few years have been difficult and quite a slog and I have barely got any rest away from him.

The only rest we get is when my parents visit every 2 weeks for 6 hours on a weekend. He gets 15 hours at preschool but there are problems with that due to his behaviour with others as the preschool only have funding for 10 hours of one on one. Without these breaks I would have went insane by now. Me and my DH have not eaten alone in a restaurant since before DC was born.

My inlaws are no help at all and barely see our dc and barely give him attention when they visit. They also try to make demands on our very limited time. Due to this my opinion of them has drastically reduced alot and I frankly resent them.

How much do your family and in laws help. And if they are no help and judgmental how do you feel about them?

OP posts:
Mally100 · 07/07/2022 13:52

Zero, we live in another country from everyone. When we lived back home it was still zero. Our families lived a few hours away so it was more planned visits a few times a year. It never occurred to me or dh that anyone owed us childcare. Sure you can ask, but it's entitled and frankly you have an audacity to feel resentment to anyone who doesn't want to provide childcare. My ds has sensory issues and was a high needs baby/toddler, he is 6 and we have never went out to dinner as yet just dh and I. Maybe your IL don't feel comfortable/equipped enough to take care of a child with SN. They don't owe you that.

Original poster
HoppingKangaroo · 07/07/2022 13:58

Its that they they don't make any effort with him and barely give him attention when they see him as he doesn't behave in a way they want. The resentment is that they try to make demands on our limited time when they know our situation.

OP posts:
Outnumbered99 · 07/07/2022 14:00

Zero practical help with our SN child, but also zero judgement, and they are available as they can be given their own health/locality for practical help with our other children.

I sway between resenting it and being grateful for having the relationship we do have, as i know lots of families where even the other parent isn't seen for dust once the going gets tough, let alone the extended family.

CoastalWave · 07/07/2022 14:01

Zero.

x2boys · 07/07/2022 14:02

They don't I only have my parents really and they are both 80 and are not able to cope with his behavior, he goes to a special school, the only respite we get us a day a week in the school holidays in a special needs play scheme

Mally100 · 07/07/2022 14:02

Then don't allow them to take over your limited time. If they don't want to be active in your DC lives then it works both ways.

Mychitchatdays · 07/07/2022 14:04

Zero

Original poster
HoppingKangaroo · 07/07/2022 14:05

There is also the resentment that Mil blaimed us for his behaviour pre diagnosis and since getting diagnosed no apology or anything. This is difficult for me to overlook.

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 07/07/2022 14:06

None at all, “you chose to have them” is my families quote, I’m also a single parent so no partner and no family from his side as he is not involved

AshGirl · 07/07/2022 14:10

None from my parents who are local. They are also a bit weird about his needs and I do resent this a lot.

We have family further away who are lovely and would be more involved if we lived locally. We are lucky to go on holiday with them but we wouldn't ask them to have him overnight as his sleep is so bad.

Like another poster, we pay for respite in the school holidays.

Can your DS access a specialist nursery / pre-school. Do you have Portage involved? They can help with this.

Original poster
HoppingKangaroo · 07/07/2022 14:13

The specialist nursery / pre-school is fully booked and zero chance of getting in. Zero help from authorities other than the Hanen more than words course. He has got an EHCP and hopefulyl will get enough 1 on 1 when he starts school.

OP posts:
goldfinchonthelawn · 07/07/2022 14:20

None at all. My parents never babysat. they occasionally took DC out for a walk around the park while I cleaned the house. But never looked after them without me being 5 minutes away, never had them overnight or fofered to have them for a day trip although they did all of this with DSis and Dbro's children.

karmakameleon · 07/07/2022 14:25

Not at all but realistically, given their age and his needs, there isn’t much they can do. They babysit when he’s asleep and they play with him when they visit but that’s all.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 07/07/2022 14:27

We have 3 boys. Middle son (10)
is on diagnosis pathway for ADHD and ASD and our youngest (6) is diagnosed ASD. My parents help us out wherever we need it, school runs etc (all 3 are at different schools). We are very lucky and they have a close bond with all 3 children. My husband is Australian so his parents can’t help out in that way.

What you said about not being able to eat out and hitting etc resonated in me because our youngest is the same in all of those ways. He has progressed and his speech recognition and vocabulary has expanded so much since he started at a specialist ASD provision last September. It’s been the best thing for him.

Needcoffeeimmediatley · 07/07/2022 14:34

None.
We don't have any family nearby.

Colinthesnail · 07/07/2022 14:35

Neither side really babysits. My in-laws live abroad. It is what it is - I certainly don’t resent them. They love our children, they’re good grandparents and they try their best.

My parents help in other practical ways, but they don’t do much babysitting. I don’t really expect them to. Apart from anything else my parents are older, tired, have health issues, have other family caring commitments and are still working. I’m no more exhausted than they are! And looking after a child with SN that’s not your own is incredibly hard - mine would be far harder work for them than for me. In an emergency though they’d step up.

I wouldn’t tolerate judgement though - both sets of our parents don’t know much about autism but they’ve made an effort to listen and learn. They’re supportive and they try to build a good relationship with my son. If they’d blamed me for my son’s difficulties I would have found that very hard to forgive.

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2022 14:36

No family help whatsoever. Never been offered.

We receive direct payments for 4 hours a week respite in term time and 8 hours in school hols but we have to recruit ourselves and the admin is exhausting.

Marvellousmadness · 07/07/2022 14:40

Lets be honest.
You wanted kids. So you need to raise them. It is not up to your parents or inlaws to look after your kid. Thats just the truth.

Get a sitter if you want a night out but don't blame parents or inlaws if they dont want to look after your kid.

And id your child's behaviour is really bad and violent you can't blame them for not really wanting to be involved op. :(

BlancmanegeBunny · 07/07/2022 14:46

My parents are very supportive. My ds is now 14 and I have always been able to leave him with my parents for a few hours when needed, they have also kept open house for dd who is now 17 and often needs to get away from ds when he gets too much!!! We live 10 houses away from my patents on the same road.
My inlaws are useless, haven't got a clue with ds!!!

karmakameleon · 07/07/2022 14:51

Marvellousmadness · 07/07/2022 14:40

Lets be honest.
You wanted kids. So you need to raise them. It is not up to your parents or inlaws to look after your kid. Thats just the truth.

Get a sitter if you want a night out but don't blame parents or inlaws if they dont want to look after your kid.

And id your child's behaviour is really bad and violent you can't blame them for not really wanting to be involved op. :(

That’s harsh. Although I recognise that my parents and in laws can’t help, I’d be upset if they wanted nothing to do with him at all.

Afterfire · 07/07/2022 15:01

Absolutely none whatsoever.

Dh is no contact with his whole family partly because of how they treated Ds (aged 10) and us after we discussed his diagnosis with them when he was 3. We haven’t seen them since then.

My only family was my Mum who was useless and narcissistic and she died in 2019.

We have no one else. It’s just me, dh, Ds and dd aged 18 who is at university.

I have multiple disabilities myself and Ds has been out of complex needs school since December as they weren’t meeting his needs. He starts a new one in September but fucking hell I am exhausted. I love him to bits but no breaks, ever, is enough to kill anyone.

boobybum · 07/07/2022 15:07

Marvellousmadness · 07/07/2022 14:40

Lets be honest.
You wanted kids. So you need to raise them. It is not up to your parents or inlaws to look after your kid. Thats just the truth.

Get a sitter if you want a night out but don't blame parents or inlaws if they dont want to look after your kid.

And id your child's behaviour is really bad and violent you can't blame them for not really wanting to be involved op. :(

You do realise that it’s practically impossible to get babysitters for children with some disabilities don’t you?

11Hawkins · 07/07/2022 15:11

Zero help.

My parents used to help, but now he's older they don't do much unless I'm there with him but my parents do have health issues so it's not something I begrudge.

In laws on the other hand they could easily help, I have my DN a lot over the holidays and they never return the favour. (I've also stopped having DN to stay as much to make a point though.)

Discovereads · 07/07/2022 15:14

Zero. But I’m ok with that as I would not have trusted my parents with a goldfish.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 07/07/2022 15:14

Zero. My family are cruel bastards who I won't allow within a million miles of my vulnerable child. My inlaws mean well but are clueless and MIL is very much a 'do as I say or else' disciplinarian, which won't work with an autistic child She's an expert at triggering meltdowns.