Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what time he'll be home?

36 replies

Deadivy · 07/07/2022 13:27

DH never sees his old school friends, but on the odd occasion he does, he goes out at 6pm & comes back blind drunk as late as 5am. We've just had a huge row as I asked him if he could tell me what time he'll be home for his next visit to one of their houses this weekend. He said he doesn't know, it'll be when he's ready and doesn't want to have to think " oh I''d better go now as Deadivy wants me home. "

To clarify, it's fair walk, but he is in walking distance of them, they play cards & guitars mostly but do get really drunk, but harmless. The issue is I can't sleep until he's home. I try but I can't, so we argue when he gets home as I'm grouchy and over tired. Is the issue me? I don't know what's reasonable and what isn't. He seems them three times a year. We usually out with other friends in couples. We have no kids so no responsibilities as such. We're in our late 40s. He says he sounds like his parents, he moved out from being with them to living with me and he feels there's no change with this. We are great in every area of our relationship, he's very kind really does put everyone first until he brings up going out with them. He tells me he's too scared to mention it now as it will end up with a row. I would love some guidance on how I could deal with this better, I am the one who erupts, not him. I wish I could be calm and just sleep and be happy he's having a great time, which he deserves. 😢

OP posts:
audweb · 07/07/2022 13:30

Gently, the issue lies with you not being able to sleep. It’s not his responsibility to get you to sleep, you’re in your late forties, with no responsibility- he should be able to enjoy that every now and again without feeling that he can’t because you can’t sleep. It’s a harmless night out, and it doesn’t happen all the time. Try podcasts, mindful bedtime listening - make plans of your own to go away with a friend or have a friend over or something.

TrialofTrials · 07/07/2022 13:31

It is unclear whether the issue is that he comes back blind (YANBU) or the time he is coming back (YABU - the issue is that you cannot go to sleep - which is something you need to work on).

Soggycrisps · 07/07/2022 13:34

It's your issue. He can't be responsible for you not sleeping, even if he told what time he comes back how would that help you sleep any earlier?

Vikinga · 07/07/2022 13:36

It's your issue. He doesn't know what time he wants to come home so he can't tell you and doesn't want to keep to a schedule.

So either resign yourself to no sleep until he comes home or learn to sleep or go and stay with someone.

Original poster
Deadivy · 07/07/2022 13:36

TrialofTrials · 07/07/2022 13:31

It is unclear whether the issue is that he comes back blind (YANBU) or the time he is coming back (YABU - the issue is that you cannot go to sleep - which is something you need to work on).

Thank you, this is the help and a point in the right direction I need, I've never spoken to anyone about it before. I think it might be a bit of both, but if I was asleep I suppose I wouldn't know nor care if he was drunk. I think part of me worries he will end up in an accident or something. I have no idea why I think this either tbh.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/07/2022 13:39

Why don’t you go and stay at a friends for the night so you’re not lying awake worrying about him.

As this is so infrequent it isn’t fair on him to make a thing of it.

Original poster
Deadivy · 07/07/2022 13:45

Sadly I don't have anyone I can stay with, we live in a foreign country and I just don't feel like I know anyone well enough I could ask, or who would have room as the apartments here are so small. But I may consider a hotel.
I've been blaming him ( and this is years of these kind of rows) and only now I 've actually stopped to think properly why, and I realise the issue is me. Any other time I sleep very well. So, I need to work out why this is so different. I trust him, he's never done anything bad to me, is the kindest man I know. I feel so ashamed of my behaviour.

OP posts:
Takeitonthechin · 07/07/2022 13:49

You need to arrange something to do yourself, go out with the girls, have a trip away... anything that gets your mind off from what time your other half is going to be home. Don't stress about what time he's coming home.

5128gap · 07/07/2022 13:55

Of I were you I'd ask him to stay over properly. Then you'd know not to expect him and wouldn't be lying awake watching the clock. Or having him come back drunk and irritating.

springbreak22 · 07/07/2022 13:56

YABVU

Mybestyear · 07/07/2022 14:00

5128gap · 07/07/2022 13:55

Of I were you I'd ask him to stay over properly. Then you'd know not to expect him and wouldn't be lying awake watching the clock. Or having him come back drunk and irritating.

This ^^. Can he not just stay overnight and come back the next day? If you knew he was away overnight, surely you could sleep?

Soggycrisps · 07/07/2022 14:00

No need to feel ashamed about it. It's great that you are accepting responsibility for it now. Could you just mentally prepare for him coming in at 6am, the if he comes home earlier great.

WaltzingWaters · 07/07/2022 14:03

Agree with others, the issue seems to be yours and think you should go out and do something nice yourself, even if it’s just a relaxing night in a hotel.
if he were doing this a lot more regularly and you had kids to deal with, definitely something he’d need to rein in, but given that you don’t have kids to consider and he goes out so rarely I’d say let him go have fun with his mates.

Ridingthegravytrain · 07/07/2022 14:03

I would ask him to stay out. If it's already got to 5am and he is walking home surely he could crash at whoever's house for a couple more hours and come home at 8 or 9 or whatever and then you wouldn't have the sleepless night. I agree the issue lies with you, but I'm the same and used to always get woken up. So we have an agreement that if DH wants to go out and get wasted or have a really late night he stays out all night or for the weekend.

SirenSays · 07/07/2022 14:06

I have anxiety and I feel like this. I don't give a toss what time DH want to come home. But I need to know when that will be or I convince myself something awful has happened and can't relax.
My DH will choose to stay out or tell me the latest possible time he expects to be home and keep me updated if that changes.

lospolloshermanosass · 07/07/2022 14:06

It's you I'm afraid. He's not doing anything wrong.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/07/2022 14:06

Op, I used to have a similar issue with my exh.

When he went out, i never knew when he would be home and although I could get to sleep, I would keep waking up and wondering if he was ok/when he would be back. Of course, this could have been made a lot easier with the odd message to say "hi Sunshine, I'm fine, having a great time won't be back for a few hours yet" but no...considering his phone was permanently attached to his hand, this was way too much effort.

I knew how much he would drink and having been the victim of an attack at night, I worried that something could happen to him on his way home and I'd have no idea.

He saw it as me being dramatic or controlling and I saw it as him being selfish.

We separated anyway and it's lovely not to have to deal with it anymore (my now dp doesn't drink at all and we don't live together anyway).

My suggestion, in hindsight, would be to ask him to stay at the friend's house overnight/in a hotel when he goes on these nights out and then you can more easily switch off and sleep.

SallyWD · 07/07/2022 14:14

If it's only 3 times a year then I think you just have to put up with it. I can handle 3 nights of sleep deprivation a year! It's not fair to curtail his fun if it happens so rarely. If it was every week I'd feel he should get back earlier but once every 4 months is nothing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2022 14:15

“Erupting” at a man for going out for a big night 3 times a year is outrageous, you must know that. It’s not his fault you can’t sleep and it’s completely out of order to make him feel bad about having a social life.

It’s a long time since I was out till 5am or wanted to but he’s got no responsibilities he’s bailing on and it doesn’t happen every week!

This is entirely a you problem and it’s a start you’re realising that. You’ve been punishing and possibly verbally abusing him over nothing and that’s not okay.

Hankunamatata · 07/07/2022 14:18

Get him to sleep at his friends house then you wont be waiting for him to come home

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 07/07/2022 14:18

Ask him to stay out, or stay out yourself. YABU setting him a curfew, but I know the feeling of lying and "waiting". I used to have the same (not so much going to sleep, but if I woke in the night and he wasn't back it would be difficult to go back to sleep). I don't think it was so much worrying about what he was doing, more just the anticipation he would come at some point, that it would wake me up, etc. DH sleeps in the spare room when it goes out and I find I don't have the same issue.

iBrows · 07/07/2022 14:29

I was with a man who used to be clingy like this and it really put me off him in the end. He isn’t your safety blanket, a bit of space is healthy!

MintyGreenDreams · 07/07/2022 14:30

I think he should stop over fully aswell.

Sxr · 07/07/2022 14:32

Leave the poor man alone. This is totally your issue and you should apologise to him.

FairyLightAddict · 07/07/2022 14:44

I'd leave you. Seriously. He goes out 3 times a year and you are trying to control his evening as you can't sleep. It's so unreasonable.