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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I groomed and what now???

49 replies

wingliner · 07/07/2022 01:20

I wanted to ask your opinions and advice on something.

I was 16 yes old, was receiving messages from someone who for quite sometime wouldn't tell me who they were. To them this seems a game but anyways turned out it was my teacher. How he got my mobile number I do it know, my friends swear he never gave it to him. Why would they, they said.

Anyways the messaging continued. I turned 17, he was v complimentary, I was very 17 in my mind, attitude and approach. He invited me to his house and we slept together, I stayed over a few nights and it continued. Anyway, I called it off - said it wasn't for me, left school continued with my life. He contacted me a few times via social media saying he had true feelings for me, was going to live his wife etc but I never said much back to make them think I was thinking in the same way.

I fell pregnant with his baby and miscarried within weeks. He says thing plays on his mind all the time. He says he doesn’t regret what happened and hates we couldn’t be together. Mentality I think it scarred me although I bury it deep.

I have now heard through a number of people that it has happened again and many times since. He kinda has a reputation for it and moves a lot from school to school.

I don't know what to do.

I guess when I thought it was just me I kinda thought it was fantasy, it was love and that he really did want to be with me but couldn't because of how we met but no when I hear what I have it makes me worry.

OP posts:

Violet790 · 07/07/2022 01:26

Wow @wingliner I'm so sorry that's awful 😭😭 How old are now? I'd report it but I can imagine that would be really difficult fir you. He had a duty of care as your teacher and failed you completely. I'm actually a bit speechless. Are you ok? 😩 x

Ponoka7 · 07/07/2022 01:29

Yes you were groomed. He's a sexual predator and shouldn't have access to anyone vulnerable. You could get advice from an organisation such as The survivors trust.

user29 · 07/07/2022 01:33

Depending on how long ago it was, it might not have been illegal at the time , but nevertheless very ick.

Oceanus · 07/07/2022 01:54

Go to the police. If he's a teacher he's got free access to a million kids. He could be doing it to somebody else. Please please report it or he might get away.

JustHarriet · 07/07/2022 01:58

Yes, you were groomed.

What now - you deserve professional support. There are organisations designed to support you.

A professional counsellor working with such an organisation will know how best to support you, and you can talk through your options with them.

Haveatakeaway · 07/07/2022 02:20

So sorry, but you were groomed.

a miscarriage in those circumstances will give you trauma, and any miscarriage would anyway.

Do you know whether he's still teaching?

either way, this is not your fault, consensual or.not, he groomed you.

just sending you lots of love and unmumsnetty hugs x

Maytodecember · 07/07/2022 02:42

What a disgusting man.
Yes, I’m afraid he’s a predator and groomed you, planned it all with the messaging, initially not saying who he was.
Please talk to someone, your GP, or a relative you trust or call the NSPCC who will be able to advise you on your choices. You can go straight to the police if you want.
I hope you’re ok.

headiintheclouds · 07/07/2022 03:17

If you feel able, you must report him and stop him from doing this to another vulnerable young person.

He's a disgusting predator and you did nothing wrong

Valeriekat · 07/07/2022 09:29

Tell the school what happened and tell his current school also. He shouldn't be teaching.

Original poster

wingliner · 07/07/2022 16:49

@Violet790 I am on my 30's now. I moved on for myself a career, I have seen him around a few times over the years. Still pains me. I guess I thought it might have been JUST me until recently when I've heard all kinds of things that he has rumoured to have done.
For those of you who asked he is still teaching yes.
I suppose I don't want to be a victim, if that make sense not that I am disrespecting victims - I admire people who come forward to to speak up but I don't think I can. I am scared I suppose.

OP posts:

Original poster

wingliner · 07/07/2022 16:52

@user29 hi, I have checked law and I know that law changed it terms of age but when this happened it was illegal. It was abuse of position of trust and removal from working with children. There have been court cases since then that I have read about and that is what has happened to those who committed the same offences.

I suppose you do read things in the paper where people have met in that way and fallen in love, been together got married etc. But this was very different, we slept together, plain sec there was no going out, talking about the future, leaving careers and leaving town. He was awful when he heard about the miscarriage and wouldn't even discuss it with me. He would flower it up and say he loved me, wanted to be with me - but wrong time , wrong place. I was SO STUPID.

OP posts:

Myster · 07/07/2022 16:54

He needs reporting immediately! He shouldn't be anywhere near children. I'm sorry you had to go through this but please report him as he could really harm a child

Violet790 · 07/07/2022 16:56

wingliner · 07/07/2022 16:49

@wingliner you're a survivor!!!! ❤️
What happened wasn't your fault AT ALL- That's so crucial to remember. You've come along way and have a career now. You need to do what's best for you right at this moment in time but do think about reporting it. However, don't put pressure on yourself. Be kind to yourself and believe in yourself. Talk to someone, anyone as soon as you're able. Don't keep this locked inside.

marinalambrini · 07/07/2022 16:58

I can understand that you may not want to go to the police and that is absolutely understandable. You can still take steps to protect others without going to the police. Contact your Local Authority LADO to make then aware. You could also contact the school if you so wish.

Curioushorse · 07/07/2022 17:01

Any school I've worked at would go INSANE if this happens. I don't care if it was legal or not, he wouldn't be allowed in teaching. It's an unequal relationship, regardless of whether it was consensual on your part or not. I cannot begin to say how fast I would be reporting a colleague if I got even a hint this was happening.

In fact, I just had induction last week in a new school. The head literally told his new staff that if we even had the vibe that a member of staff was 'off' then we shouldn't be embarrassed about reporting it so they could see if a pattern was appearing.

Please contact somebody. Perhaps the school, or DBS, even just for advice. I wouldn't want him near students.

P.s. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Original poster

wingliner · 07/07/2022 17:01

@marinalambrini
Hi, yeh I looked at LADO this afternoon but I don't know if you can do that reporting anonymously. I need to look into it more. I guess part of me worries that he will figure it out that it was me! But what am I suppose to do. It happened to me, I'm finding out he is sleeping with yr11 to sixth form girls and everything click - it wasn't just me. It was all excuses and lies.

OP posts:

Oceanus · 07/07/2022 17:03

OP, you weren't stupid, don't call yourself that. You were vulnerable and he took advantage of that, that's on him, not on you.
I completely understand you not wanting to come forward. You have a life and you don't want people to know. I don't know what to say to give you the courage and the strength to report him. Call a charity, talk to a professional who knows how to support you.
If he's a teacher and he's doing to it to others, please at least call a helpline, you can do it anonymously. And please, please go to therapy, you might think you weren't affected but what he did was atrocious and a vulnerable teenager would never come out unscathed.
I'm sending you hugs OP. Regardless of what the law might or might not say: you are the victim of a crime and he's a criminal. He committed a crime, not you. It wasn't you fault and you're not to blame. He's a predator.

clarepetal · 07/07/2022 17:05

You weren't stupid at all. You were vulnerable, I would have done the same thing at that age. This man has abused his position and you should go to the police, particularly if he is still teaching.

Curioushorse · 07/07/2022 17:06

Also (sorry, I was so angry on your behalf I posted speedily!), you're not a victim. As others have said, you're a survivor, and the fact you're even asking these questions shows your reflection and understanding. You could certainly help others by reporting.....

It is a stressful situation and I appreciate you might not want to report it as historical abuse- but it's worth at least speaking to an expert (the LADO, or DSL at a school) to see what they say. They will be able to give you proper advice.

D0lphine · 07/07/2022 17:15

If I were you I would get some therapy. Sounds awful you poor thing. Is there someone you can tell In your life? A friend or family member?

I'd consider going to the police but that is your choice.

10HailMarys · 07/07/2022 17:20

Bloody hell, OP - you poor thing. Yes, that's definitely grooming and massively inappropriate. What an awful experience.

You've done nothing wrong. He has.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 07/07/2022 17:22

Refer him to the Teacher Misconduct team at DfE. They can investigate and have the power to ban him from teaching. What he did was illegal, as teachers are not allowed to have relationships with pupils and they cannot have sex with under 18s they are in a position of power over.

WITL · 07/07/2022 17:26

Myster · 07/07/2022 16:54

He needs reporting immediately! He shouldn't be anywhere near children. I'm sorry you had to go through this but please report him as he could really harm a child

Yes report him

Pollydonia · 07/07/2022 17:36

Please report him, my BFriend was groomed by a teacher who took her virginity on her 16th Birthday on a school trip. It carried on until he left school aged 18.
She went to uni, had a breakdown and dropped out.
Long time ago now, but we know he had done it before and was doing it again when my friend reported him.

Curioushorse · 07/07/2022 17:40

Sorry. Coming back again because I think this is so important. I don't know what to do, to be honest, but he really shouldn't be in teaching. I've never heard of the teacher misconduct team, but that may be a good start.

But, OP, I've worked with loads of LADOs. None of them are going to force a confession out of you. They will take you seriously- and, more importantly, will have useful advice for you. Any of the ones I've worked with would welcome your phone call/ email and would respect you wanting to remain anonymous as an enquiry basis.

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