Was I groomed and what now???

[wingliner]

I wanted to ask your opinions and advice on something.

I was 16 yes old, was receiving messages from someone who for quite sometime wouldn't tell me who they were. To them this seems a game but anyways turned out it was my teacher. How he got my mobile number I do it know, my friends swear he never gave it to him. Why would they, they said.

Anyways the messaging continued. I turned 17, he was v complimentary, I was very 17 in my mind, attitude and approach. He invited me to his house and we slept together, I stayed over a few nights and it continued. Anyway, I called it off - said it wasn't for me, left school continued with my life. He contacted me a few times via social media saying he had true feelings for me, was going to live his wife etc but I never said much back to make them think I was thinking in the same way.

I fell pregnant with his baby and miscarried within weeks. He says thing plays on his mind all the time. He says he doesn’t regret what happened and hates we couldn’t be together. Mentality I think it scarred me although I bury it deep.

I have now heard through a number of people that it has happened again and many times since. He kinda has a reputation for it and moves a lot from school to school.

I don't know what to do.

I guess when I thought it was just me I kinda thought it was fantasy, it was love and that he really did want to be with me but couldn't because of how we met but no when I hear what I have it makes me worry.

This was absolutely grooming and a complete breech of his position. You were a child and none of this is your fault.

There's a lot to process here. The emotional & mental aspect, the physical aspect, your miscarriage, potential reporting and the ongoing risk.

You don't have to deal with them all at once but talking to someone might help as I would imagine this is something that is really difficult to just internalise. Maybe just reach out to a counsellor or support service and take it at your own pace.

There were 2 teachers like this at my school. Same pattern. Went on for years.

You must report him because he will still be doing the same thing to other girls.

I really regret not shopping them, but I had no proof and they hadn’t targeted me personally.

You were groomed and taken advantage off.

i agree - it needs to be reported. Chances are he’s since done it with other girls and will continue doing so.

I appreciate that’s easier said then done, and you don’t want open the can of worms.

Age is irrelevant. Position of trust. He'd be struck off. Report him, OP.

Yes you were definitely groomed and he needs reporting op.

Did he have an Italian name by any chance? I am aware of an investigation going on over someone I worked with in teaching. Do report, unfortunately the pattern of behaviour just makes them better at not getting caught.

@Onlyforcake No he didn’t/doesn’t have an Italian name, he has a very English sounding name. Shame to hear it has happened elsewhere. Maybe it’s more common than I thought

OP, I've been keeping you in my thoughts. I hope you've found your way in whatever you decide. XX💐

I am going to report it. I just need to build my courage up to do it.

I'm glad you've decided that way. You're a brave person as it is, never doubt that, it takes a lot to admit such a thing to oneself but I also think that's the hardest part done and dusted. We're here to help you to the finish line. Stay strong!

@Oceanus he will go mad when he finds out I'm reporting him. Truly mad.

Does he know where you live and does he live near?

He knows where I live
He knows where I live
45 min drive depending on traffic

And knows where I work

He found this info of both home and work from people. I didn't tell him.

I’m so sorry OP. Yes this is grooming and similar things happened to me and many other girls I knew. I’m still angry how they got away with it and I couldn’t tell anyone which is why he preyed on us in particular as knew we could never tell anyone. It’s really horrible when you realise what happened even when it’s years later. I’m still angry. I’m looking at counselling but life just gets in the way maybe try something like that, for trauma abuse etc.

OP, might I ask if his last name is a 4 letter ne beginning with D?
Your post makes me think very much of a teacher who I had in Upper school, always was a bit interested in the pretty girls, especially y11s and 6th form- it's well known he slept with a few girls in my year group. Around the time of leaving school/ shortly after.

I'm so sorry you were taken advantage of in this way op.

I have teens and I can only imagine how vulnerable you were and he massively took advantage of that and still is, if he's managing to find out personal details such as your address and work.

I wish you all the best and hope you find a way to get through this. 💐

I think he's done this to others so he won't know who reported him.
Still I think you should talk to a charity that can help you to make your life safer before you take this step. You need to feel safe and that's a sine qua non condition for you to be able to tell your whole story. You must feel safe. You can't spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. You don't deserve that.
Talk to a charity and find out if the police will be able to keep you safe. Find out what steps you can take to make your life bulletproof to him before reporting.
Who told him about your life? Could he have got that information from social media?

I think he might know you reported him, but from the get-go you will be given victim support and he won't be able to contact you either directly or indirectly, without breaking his conditions, which will be immediate arrest.

I was groomed too and have been through this. I got one of them put away last year and it was hard but so very glad I've done it.

@GoT1904 I'm sorry you've been through this. 💐I'm glad you put one of them away. Maybe you can send a PM to the OP (or post here if you're willing) with some changes you wish you'd made to your life before you got the ball rolling in your process. If you could go back in time what would have done differently in the months before reporting your abusers? Is there any advice you can give that would help the OP feel safer?
Thank you for making the world safer. 🌻

@TooTiredToSleepRightNow Thank you for your apologises, I guess I’ve come to the realisation that it was probably grooming. I’ve seen a lot of film, box sets and read a lot of books. I am sorry to hear a similar thing happened to you. May be you can understand what I say when at the time I didn’t see it as grooming. I couldn’t tell anyone. They wouldn’t have believed me for a start. It was unbelievable to think that he has the confidence to get my number, to be texting me from across the classroom, to invite me to his home address. It is horrible your right. I am angry to but right now I’m more scared. Do you think trauma abuse would cover it?

@lostintheglowofmotherhood hi - his name isn’t a 4 letter word and doesn’t begin with a D. So you know another person who has done this! This is more common than I thought. Something needs to be done.
Yeh - same MO, he was interested in Yr 11 upwards. Always the same type of girls. He slept with a few, was it reported?
He would also try and befriend them on social media, which means surely his other friends of normal similar age must thing it is strange. I would.

@Oceanus maybe you right if there are a few he will have to think really hard to who he’s reported him. I definitely need to keep myself safe. I don’t know what he would do. This could ruin his career. Your right I do need to feel safe. I went out at weekend and I was so worried I might bump into him. Silly really.
I think mutual friends I say mutual friends but my old friends his ex pupils must have told him. Also google my name and you would found out my job. Social media is all private and I don’t post my life. I n a.m. wary of sharing too much information. But if he digs enough he will always find out little bits I guess

@GoT1904
He might know depends the detail I give or it might be he uses same approach and words with every person. That wouldn’t surprise me.

I am sorry to hear you were groomed. It is not a nice thing to go through. I am a private person, I respect myself and he made me feel like I have no respect for myself.

Got one of them put away last year? That’s so brave of you.