To ask what the secret to a happy marriage is?

[DrierThanANunsNasty]

Seen some really depressing threads about divorce recently and wanted something a bit more… hopeful

So AIBU to ask:
What’s your secret to a happy marriage?

Been with DH 10 years and we laugh together (a lot) and never go to bed/leave the house on an argument.

Shared values and same attitude towards finance - no quibbling over who earn what or who spends what. Same approach to parenting (if you have DC).

Don't sweat the small stuff, don't bicker over minor issues.

I've been married nearly 35 years but we are very different people, I wouldn't say we are 'best friends' at all! Completely separate interests and friends ... (& bedrooms!) but it works for us.

What @Thehop said.
on my second marriage, wildly different to my first, in the best possible way.
Never had an argument with this one, there’s just nothing to argue about, therefore no resentment, bitterness or anger.
I really think one of the reasons we don’t, is because all of the physical and mental load is equally shared. We’re a team, we share all chores, each of us has plenty of free time and time with our respective friends, we make time to have fun dates and trips together, and time alone.

If you both want each other to be happy and support each other.

Working opposite shifts

Not sure there is a secret, but what works for us is to do things together but also do things separately (hobbies & holidays, especially). Then you both keep your independence and identity.

Also accept that sometimes it will be rubbish & you want to strangle the other person. Just tough it out & things will settle down. If you want constant hearts & flowers, it will fail.

Spending time together because you enjoy their company.

Looking after the best interests of your spouse.

Tell them how much you love/value/ respect them, in small ways, daily.

Back them up.

Share the load.

Compatibility, friendship, mutual respect, honesty, openness & trust. Love too ofc, but that alone is flogging a dead horse

Two imperfect people who refuse to give up on one another.

@Blossomtoes similar. Lots of difficult circumstances and backgrounds do not help but that attitude of not wanting to give up on each other is what has got our marriage to the 12 year mark....

There's nothing wrong with marriage

The problem rests with the "type" of people that get married.

I think mutual interests .we have a dog .lots of same views on politics .same sort of background.

We always say that the secret is that we are the same kind of weird... (Only of course thats not true, hes much weirder than I am !)

Shared values
Love
Loyalty
Friendship
Compatability, including in bed
Compatible attitudes towards money: saving and spending - and having enough money bolsters any relationship
Compromise and remembering to be nice to each other
Planning: children, where you want to live, for retirement.

Finally, not having settled for second best.

I think marrying someone who isn't a dickhead is key.

Judging from MN posts, I think the secret is not marrying a lazy man tbh. That's the main thing that brings a festering resentment and unhappiness.

"Judging from MN posts, I think the secret is not marrying a lazy man tbh. That's the main thing that brings a festering resentment and unhappiness."

I agree. It must be so frustrating to be with someone who's lazy.
Dh and I barely have anything in common but neither of us are lazy and we both support and encourage each other and accept each other's differences.

Realising that ‘fighting because you care’ and the idea that all relationships have fights is mostly bollocks.

Arguments and disagreements yes, but shouting/swearing/storming out/silent treatment etc isn’t normal or healthy.

I grew up with parents who fought a lot (now divorced) so I thought that was normal, and when I ended up in a terrible relationship where he shouted and swore at me almost every day I honestly thought that just meant we really cared and that life would be boring if we didn’t fight.

Now very very happily married and can honestly say my husband and I have never raised our voices or sworn at each other once. It is MUCH nicer that way, I can tell you!

never go to bed/leave the house on an argument ….hate this advice. Don’t stay up late arguing the same point trying to find resolution. Go to bed and look at the issue with a fresh set of eyes in the morning. It might not even bother you in the morning.

The answer to my marriage specifically is teamwork.

This too! Marry an actual adult man who looks after himself and doesn’t expect you to do everything.

My ex did a lot of the ‘learned helplessness’ thing and it was almost a shock when I realised my now-husband was capable of doing a food shop/booking flights/cleaning a bathroom by himself!

Too many people seem to rush into living together/getting married without really observing their partner's "habits" (obviously this works both ways). Both my DH and I ran our own homes independently before we got married and bought a house together .. so I was well aware that he knew how to cook, shop, do laundry, housework (ie; normal household tasks) before we got together. He also did a lot of volunteering (Scout Leader) so it was clear that he liked children, would spend time with them and generally get involved rather than just saying something like 'oh yes, I'd like DC some day'. Even then we took ten years to properly discuss and agree to having a DC .

I think it either works or it dosent.

Having similar interests and values can help though. Kindness of course goes along way.