NOT posting attention seeking facebooks posts means I don't care

[beenaroundtheblox]

Am I being unreasonable here. Very elderly and very unwell grandmother died this week. I am the only grandchild to not post about this on Facebook. I've had a few comments (my mother and cousin) that I mustn't be as upset. I'm not being unreasonable am I? I think talking to a dead 98 year old on Facebook is fucking mental but obviously not said that to them. I'm sad but not needing attention from people I wouldn't have actually told one to one. Please talk me down as I'm starting to lose my cool.

My DH was 40 last year and, in keeping with tradition, I didn’t mention it on any social media because……NOBODY GIVES A FUCK.

I have just posted about the death of someone close to me on Facebook. This person's life, friends etc was all online and I don't know them to reach them any other way.

Also re the posting on the person's wall, sometimes it can be a comfort to the parents of the deceased. In this case I know his parents would love to see that people cared since he didn't have many irl friends.

Just wanted to give a different perspective 😶

I'm with you on this. My DH died early this year, and people who knew him were all over Facebook displaying their grief. I didn't because it was just too much to see, firstly the emoting and secondly the speculation on the cause of death. It was like gossiping online. You are entitled to grieve in your own way and ,quite frankly, I don't think Facebook helps .

YANBU. I find the gushy constant memorials and ott posts for non events really cringy.

I can understand why fb is useful for announcements, happy or sad. Helps me keep up to date with my wider circle and a friend used it to tell of the death of her very popular and beloved father rather than call everyone to ensure wide reach as the family hadn't the energy and we all understood - but I find repeated tributes odd. Since the intended reader can't read it... why?

Similarly people who announce your news - happy or sad- on social media for you if you hadn't intended to share it or just aren't ready yet. We had to ask people not to announce our engagement. Not because we were building up to anything but because it was ours to share once everyone we wanted to tell personally had been informed. I'd never dream of effectively spoilering someone's news!!!

I think its really odd that people have been noticing that you haven't posted anything on Facebook and that is their focus of attention. I suppose they are probably grieving too so want something to focus on but it's odd that they are using Facebook posts to measure people's grief

Happy heavenly birthday grandma. You would have been 140 this year.
Or happy 5th birthday Thomas. Thomas doesn't have social media though. Stop seeking attention.

You're fine and they need to butt out. I can't stand stuff like this.

A local lady died quite suddenly a few years ago and was only in her thirties to forties. She had children and the youngest was still only in primary school. She'd loved here all her life and was quite well known, it was all very sad. The local Facebook page was awash with it. Everybody claiming to be the saddest ever, wanting to get a bit of attention. I remember seeing a post from one woman who seemed to be grieving terribly, putting lots of crying faces but then said that she didn't actually know her but had seen her in the local shop and thought she looked nice.

Her family had originally been very vocal on Facebook and everybody was lapping it up. I remember her husband even getting into arguments online because someone had shared a jokey memory or something of an injoke but he took it as an insult to his wife and was so upset and offended. The family stopped posting so often but then the vultures started hounding her teenage daughter. They said that she must not have loved her mum that much if she wasn't posting to her anymore. Look how quickly she's got over it. Didn't even mention her mum once yesterday. So she posted photos of herself crying to 'prove' that she was upset and started posting to her mum again for everybody to read. It was so awful. It made me realise how immature and thick a lot of people are.

It can be a practical thing to do if that person is a fb user and it's an effective way of letting their extended contacts know.
An old school friend died earlier this year and a number of school friends learned about it by that method, shared by their spouse and were able to travel around the UK to pay their respects at the funeral and represent a not insignificant portion of a short life that was well lived.

I have an elderly relative fading away. She's never used SM, and to announce it on there would not be informative to people who've known her, so that would be a very different situation and more about my interests and not hers or those closest to her.

Judging/ comparing grief by fb likes and shares is bizzarre and distasteful and very different to practical communication. 💐

YANBU

I would just come off Facebook. It’s just a bizarre concept and has had its days. It has created some real self absorbed monsters.

in my social circle only one person uses Facebook - it annoys me and others when they talk about pointless posts in there.

I think talking to a dead 98 year old on Facebook is fucking mental but obviously not said that to them. I'm sad but not needing attention from people I wouldn't have actually told one to one. Please talk me down as I'm starting to lose my cool.

YANBU, if it’s not something you would have talked to yours acquaintances in real life, why put it on Facebook. If most people have 4 grandparents and said grandparents have several grandchildren, Facebook could become a little crowded. Some of my friends have done this, and I’ve just assumed they were particularly close to a grandparent, but people castigating you for not doing this are being absolutely ridiculous.

I don’t think Facebook is necessarily just for happy events. A couple of my friends have lists their husbands recently and posted the news, together with the most moving eulogies. It was letting people who knew them know.

You're not being unreasonable.

I loathe people who post every minute of their life on Facebook. Especially those who check in to hospital, gives me the ick.

My BIL wife died last year leaving him the sole parent to their 12yo DC. He posts updates to his dead wife about how things are going and every time his words have me crying, for what he’s going through and my as his wife was also my friend, I cry because I miss her. If posting something on Facebook is something that can get him through the day he should carry on and if your ‘friend’ posts something and it bothers you that much unfriend them, just keep scrolling or even better show them some compassion or empathy.

I found out on FB my 96 year old grandmother had died from my cousin who did a whole long post on how upset she was. Who never visited her. And never cared for her when she was alive. I was so upset. Every year we have the whole sob sorry.

So sorry OP about your gran. People especially family can be bonkers x

if your ‘friend’ posts something and it bothers you that much unfriend them, just keep scrolling or even better show them some compassion or empathy.

I think you misread the OP.

YANBU OP, I've had something similar and could feel myself getting upset about it. I talked myself down by reminding myself that the person who said it has no emotional intelligence and seems to not understand that everyone is different.

If you need to say something, I'd just remind them that everyone grieves in their own way.

This is what Facebook thrives on, people posting about their lives when nobody really cares. Those who post about themselves about everything are essentially insecure about themselves and after validation.

DO NOT POST on facebook. Worries me when people post pictures of kids on facebook. Scary.

Yanbu at all.

I really don't understand the need to post everything on social media. Every anniversary of a death (which is usually by people that post every birthday of the dead relative too), every wedding anniversary (especially grating when you know about the times they have split up or one of them has cheated, and the messages are all 'people thought it wouldn't last, but look at us now!'), messages to their baby on their first/second/third birthday when they obviously can't read them for themselves.

Are people really in that much need of attention?

I didn't post on Facebook about my Nan dying, but I did about my mum for the simple reason was that it was the middle of covid and I just didn't have the energy or will to make hundreds more phone calls.

Rather than the OP it was in response to comments like these from PP:

Grief vampiring, fake sentimentality, for likes, nobody cares

I think it depends very much who you have on your friends list, as to whether you want to post personal things like that.

I did post that someone close to me had died. I have friends on there that I wouldn't ever meet up with one to one (I don't have many friends at all that are really close, sadly). These are people that I do hobby groups with, that I'm friendly with etc, but that I don't know really well. They would have noticed that I was away from the groups for a while, perhaps that I was travelling for the funeral, that I might have been quiet or not up for the social aspects of the groups for a bit, etc. I wanted to spare them the awkwardness when you have friendly conversations with someone that you see regularly but don't know hugely well "oh you've just been away, how lovely, hope you had a super time." "actually it was a funeral of close relative". "oh." awkward pause. Or a casual "oh you've not been for a drink for a couple of weeks, sure you'll come tonight hey? oh go on, why not?" "oh.". more awkwardness. You know, times when you are just have lighthearted small talk and chat, and you don't want to kill the moment by announcing it. Or, times when you know you really don't want to talk about it in front of/with those people, and yet at the same time, it will end up coming out somehow, so better to get the news-giving bit over with in advance on something like facebook, so the news is public, other people know that it's public and they can tell someone who doesn't know if they want. And then if they do say anything to you directly, it's over fairly quickly, you aren't pressed to do things ,and you can control the conversation a bit more.

I don't think anyone should be chided for whether they do or don't post on FB. It's totally up to them and has no bearing on how much you cared for the person. I find it useful as an information service for people I see regularly, and to potentially connect to people who I dont' see regularly but might care about me.

I'm sorry for your loss.

That is different imo. Posting to inform is very different to the posts that irk me personally.

Sorry for your loss OP. Do people actually still post statuses on Facebook? I thought that died out about 5 years ago!

I hate all the heavenly birthday wishes thing. It’s nothing but attention seeking often.
we have a family member who does it about his mother. He didn’t like her, didn’t help look after her when she was unwell and probably was responsible for her untimely death. But he gets lots of sympathy.

I know someone who has just posted a massive long post about the death of her estranged mother, including all the stuff she had to sort out. A well educated, intelligent woman. I don’t know why she thinks 100s of people who have never met her mother need to know all these details.

I do know people who have posted about deaths as it’s an easy well to let a lot of people know, especially funeral details. But not relatives etc though.

100% agree, YANBU.
I can't bear the attention seeking, I completely appreciate that different people grieve in different ways but the kind of displays you're talking about here are nothing to do with managing grief and everything to do with garnering attention.
I agree with PPs who've suggested nipping this in the bud, because you know that every year now there'll be an anniversary post ostensibly dedicated to the departed, but just details how their life has been so hard without their nana (who they likely wouldn't have even given a second thought were she still alive) and they hope they're 'looking down on them'...
If it's any consolation to them, there are plenty of people actually using Facebook who are looking down on them. 😑

This is the madness we now live in. The assumption that all life events, good and bad must be shared with an audience. It's sickens me actually.

I mean if a person chooses to do this then fine, their choice. But to be pressurised into it is just plain wrong.

When my Nan died we all grieved massively. But nobody shared it online, looking for additional sympathy. We all felt like shit and we supported one another in person.

I hate those sort of posts. When my DD died a few years ago there were lots of people we needed to tell - but we absolutely refused to put anything at all on Social Media. I was grateful for the Messenger facility it provided as it enabled me to message people in groups with appropriate messaging and it allowed me to request that some individuals cascade the info to those who needed to know. No need for attention seeking Facebook posts with millions of sympathy comments. 180 people attendee the funeral so those who needed to know clearly got the message.