To wonder if ‘dirty jokes’ are acceptable between 13 year olds

[Compostable]

I keep a close eye on dd’s phone and as such see a lot of conversations that would otherwise go unseen or unheard.

The majority is absolute rubbish-at best there’s chat about school, pets, hobbies.
But she spends a lot of time chatting with boys and has on occasion made innuendo type comments.

I think she’s gone too far though in a recent joke she’s made where she refers to one of her (male) friends fingering someone 🤢. Not what you want to read from someone who still professes to believe in Santa!

But what I don’t know is if it’s ‘normal’ chat at this age and whether most people live in blissful ignorance of what their children are saying in person or on Snapchat.

She knows I check her phone btw but I don’t know whether to bring this specific message up or just to reiterate previous general ‘don’t put anything in writing you wouldn’t want your grandma to read’ warnings.

I personally think she needs to be very careful because it’s so easy for screen shots to be spread around and taken out of context.

I would appreciate replies from fellow parents of this age and older thank you.

I would reiterate the don't type what you don't want your gran to see advice. Maybe with some advice on how screenshots can be taken and shared so it can last forever.

Remind her that you check her phone with a stern look?

I would pull her up on this. It's disgusting and she needs to know it.

Hi Op. I remember being 13 and I think this is fairly normal chat - we were absolutely obsessed with boys/ sex etc from about this age - just talk at that point but I think within the boundaries of normal

So - the lesson you may need to impart here is that anything said on screen puts her at risk of someone seeing it who shouldn't. I think it's such a life lesson for the modern digital age

Tell her that you are not judging her conversation (I mean - how can you -? She is an independent teen they are going to say things you dont like when you can't hear them)

But - tell her that anything she would be embarassed for any one else to read should stay as IN PERSON CONVERSATION! Hard for kids to take on board

AS a comparison I work in a sensitive field, where conversations with colleagues could have repercussions if others heard them - I have learnt (the hard way!!) to stop having any conversations like this on email / gchat/ even whatsapp I avoid

If it's sensitive or rude - i keep it for saying to somebody in person

Your 13 YO still believes in Santa?

It’s very common at that age. Lots of them are just learning about all that stuff (and many are doing it) and making jokes like that makes them feel part of it all and grown up.

But I’d definitely remind her as people do screenshot and share all sorts! At least when I was that age any comment made was verbal and no evidence!

Please don't 'pull her up' on her clumsy attempts at 'dirty' jokes at 13. This is how teens grow up - they make bad jokes, they say naff things to their mates. All it will do if you embarass her is make her feel shame.

Think back to being a teen - pre internet - kids hung out in parks and said stuff and adults had no idea.

We need to protect them from the digital world - not judge them for conversation we don't like

Thanks-this is helpful.
I was a prude / ‘good’ girl all through school and had nothing to do with boys until I was much older so this is outside the realms of my experience but my instinct is it’s showing off, trying to curry favour with the boys but without much class!

It’s going to happen of course but she needs to know what is acceptable online and what isn’t, a dirty joke is not too much of a problem but it’s very easy to stray into racism discrimination libel and all sorts of illegal comments.

Make sure she gets guidance.

Of course she doesn’t but she likes the idea of it and (obviously) doesn’t show the dirty joke side of herself to her family!

Thanks-this is helpful too. And not far off my instinct. It’s just hard to not be horrified at those words coming from my (on the surface at least) innocent girl!

I’m on the fence with this one OP.

To me, checking and reading a 13 year olds phone is a complete invasion of privacy. Fair enough if they were much younger, but at 13 you’re going through puberty, periods, fancying people, developing feelings. Any teen of that age would be mortified to find out their parents had looked through their messages.

I do agree it’s very crude and inappropriate for a 13 year old to joke about “fingering” and sexual acts but it’s not abnormal.

Just try your best to reiterate that whatever she sends on her phone- other people can screenshot/save and those images/messages are then there forever.

I’m sure schools do a lot of awareness about staying safe online. Maybe talk to her school about it and see if they can incorporate an assembly or class for her year group about phones/messaging/being self aware and safe.

i mean it's not like she said it too you she said it too her friend who she has that friendly relationship with there's no reason to scold her in my opinion

I absolutely do not agree with this.

13 is the very age you should be checking. They are very vulnerable online and with social networks. There are plenty of things to be worrying about with 13 year olds and phones from bullying to grooming.

I agree with this. I don’t think it’s unusual: by 13/14 my friends and I were all reading teen magazines and, whilst a lot of the references to sex in e.g. Just 17 naturally went above our heads, I think we all liked to pretend we knew what it was all about and talk about it amongst ourselves as if we were very grown up and experienced. Obviously this was before mobile phones, so our parents wouldn’t really have had any idea.

I’d have a conversation with her reminding her that things written in texts or on the internet don’t go away, and to be careful of making public things which could be misconstrued or used against either her or the subject of the joke / comment by others who might read it, because that’s really important for her to always have in mind in a digital age; but I wouldn’t make a big deal of the conversation or shame her for it being about sex.

@FlissyPaps Thanks. I’m happy to take advice on the privacy aspect as completely agree that there’s a need for this as they get older but not sure if that time is yet.

Is she being unkind about the other girl? I’d definitely call her out on that because at best she’s spreading rumours and that’s nasty.
She also needs to learn that stuff can be screenshot and shared.

Exactly this.

Don't you remember playground talk when you were a kid OP?

13 is the very age you should be checking. They are very vulnerable online and with social networks. There are plenty of things to be worrying about with 13 year olds and phones from bullying to grooming.

Which is why you should educate your child about being safe online. Checking a 13 year olds phone is a total invasion of privacy. They aren’t little kids who need constant parental supervision.

It’s about trust and respect. Which goes both ways. Teenagers will be very likely to be secretive and hide/delete messages before their parents can look if they know they are going to have their phone and social media supervised.

I am so glad my parents did not have a way of accessing the conversations I had at 13! It's gross, it's horrible but is unfortunately normal.

DP got a massive shock when he checked his daughter's phone at a similar age and her class chat was full of jokes about "paedos and slags". Young teenagers are awful, crude and disgusting - I know because I was one once!

I think it's pretty normal for the age. When I was 13 my mum wouldn't have any idea what I was talking to my friends about, I think it's probably a bit of a poison challis.

If you pull her up on it she's going to think you don't trust her so maybe you could make this part of a conversation where you transition to not checking her phone over the next year or two? That way you can address it but you're showing her you want to give her privacy.

No not at all-I don’t want to relay it word for word but it was about a hypothetical situation-no one else involved.

It depends

Was she joking about the boy fingering an unknown girl, or a specific girl

If it was an unknown girl I would just remind her not to put anything in writing she wouldnt want her gran to see

If it was a specific girl then I think she needs a chat about how girls are still unfairly judged for enjoying sex and that she could cause this girl to be bullied or have an unfair reputation if she spreads gossip about her

I would also encourage you to monitor the messages. Its really easy as a girl of that age to be encouraged to say and then do things that they might not be that comfortable with doing in order to fit in. Its worth making sure she is not feeling like she has to say these things because she feels that what she should be doing

Ah crossposted with you op - good that shes not spreading rumours or gossiping about a specific girl

Tricky one!