To wonder if ‘dirty jokes’ are acceptable between 13 year olds

[Compostable]

I keep a close eye on dd’s phone and as such see a lot of conversations that would otherwise go unseen or unheard.

The majority is absolute rubbish-at best there’s chat about school, pets, hobbies.
But she spends a lot of time chatting with boys and has on occasion made innuendo type comments.

I think she’s gone too far though in a recent joke she’s made where she refers to one of her (male) friends fingering someone 🤢. Not what you want to read from someone who still professes to believe in Santa!

But what I don’t know is if it’s ‘normal’ chat at this age and whether most people live in blissful ignorance of what their children are saying in person or on Snapchat.

She knows I check her phone btw but I don’t know whether to bring this specific message up or just to reiterate previous general ‘don’t put anything in writing you wouldn’t want your grandma to read’ warnings.

I personally think she needs to be very careful because it’s so easy for screen shots to be spread around and taken out of context.

I would appreciate replies from fellow parents of this age and older thank you.

@Compostable

Ooooh, this is tricky! I am on the fence, because as has been said, if you go nosing and poking about and monitoring everything, they will just hide things/delete stuff, and even get a 'burner' phone that you don't know about.

But you can't NOT do anything. I think just supervising and advising and telling her to be careful is the way to go, and to talk to you if anyone says anything that worries her. And keep a close eye without banning anything or making her feel she is doing wrong.

Also, I am going against the grain a bit here. I don't think this is normal for 13. Maybe 15-16, but 13? Seems a bit young. (IMO.)

I know this is anecdotal and I don't mean this will be so for every girl, but when my DD was 11 and still in primary, her friend at school (Lisa I'll call her,) was bringing in pics she had printed off the computer of people having sex (hard core porn - I won't go into detail but it was nasty.) And she had pervy, sexually explicit texts on her phone too, from 'Dan.' AND pics sent to her email. DD was shocked and felt properly sick. When DD told me, I was so disgusted that this ELEVEN year old girl had this, and had access to it (and so were 2 other mums I knew) so we all spoke to the teacher about it.

Long story short, it turned out 'Lisa' was being groomed and sexually abused by her 53 year old step-grandfather (her 60 y.o. gran's partner.) He was 'Dan,' and he had given her the printed-out pics of the porn, Turns out he had been abusing her for about 2 years. He had sat with her watching this porn, and was masturbating while he watched it with her. He was arrested, and the gran ended it and he got a jail term. Can't remember how much now as it's been some years, but I think it was about 5 or 6 years. This thread just resonated with me, because you DO need to keep an eye on the young girls and you need to know who is sending them what/giving them what. You can't do NOTHING.

It is really hard being the parent of a teen in 2022!
Her life is so different to mine at that age and I find it hard to relate.

God I totally agree. It’s stuff they would have said to their mates in the playground or on the way to school out of adult heating now due to phones we get to see what our little darlings actually say to their peers - this is not a good thing!

I don't agree that checking a 13 year olds phone is always an invasion of privacy. At that age I was being told to kill myself daily because I was so fat no one would ever like me and I should do the world a favour.

Every day, multiple times a day. We didn't have social media then so it was over text, so only one mode of communicating how repulsive and worthless I was.

I wasn't able to tell my parents. I wish someone had seen it and helped me.

13 is still very very young.

Sorry you went through that addler. I definitely don’t think it’s time to stop checking her phone yet.
I think the key is trying to get them to live more in the real world and less on the phone but it is a constant battle.

It was normal when I was that age.

I'm not sure how I feel about checking teens phones. If I knew my phone was going to be checked, I'd just delete everything I didn't want to be seen, it's very easy to do. Or set up a secret folder, also really easy to do. I don't think parents need to know the ins and outs of every conversation a teen has, they do deserve some privacy. Do you sit outside their door when they have sleepovers and listen to all their convos?

I don't think you should be reading her private conversations she entitled to a private life ! She's 13 not 3.

So how will you stop her from saying these things to her friend then ? You won't even know what she's talking about then. Your not making any sense

I would not at all be happy with my dc writing stuff like that but I know that at least half of the teens on my dc's what's app groups do write stuff like that. You can advise but you cannot control it. It's totally gross though.

My friends and I certainly discussed this stuff at that age, speculating mostly, as none of us had ever actually done it, sniggering about it etc. The big difference back then of course is that none of it was on record so no proof we ever said anything smutty. Definitely talk to your daughter about content of messages, possibly without telling her you have checked her phone.

Yes 13 year old talk all sorts of awful shit, and yes most of us would be horrified at some of it, but the dd knows that the op checks her phone so it's a lesson to her not to put this sort of stuff in writing, as it can be used against her. I don't routinely check my dds phone but I reserve the right to do so if and when I feel its necessary.

Can we change the narrative please!? Sex is not dirty, and fingering is a normal part of sexual activity for many people (PP who described it as disgusting).

you’ve had good advice on here, I just had to comment to say please consider the language you use about this.

This makes no sense. If she’s old enough for complete privacy then she’s old enough to have a conversation about fingering.

I would be reiterating the ‘if you’re not happy to say it to nanny don’t put it in a text’ and a reminder that mum still has ultimate control over the phone.

I would also remind her that if anything is making her uncomfortable, she can talk to any adult she feels comfortable with (and doesn’t have to be you if she’s too embarrassed) and that it’s ok to just delete group chats that are going too far.

This makes no sense. If she’s old enough for complete privacy then she’s old enough to have a conversation about fingering.

A 13 year old absolutely deserves privacy. And equally can be seen as too young or it being inappropriate to discuss sexual acts.

I’m struggling to see what isn’t making sense here?

I saw a child psychologist with my son when he was 13, as he was having some issues. One thing she told me - ignore what you read them saying on their phones (obv within reason). She said at that age they are trying out personas and will often say stupid/horrible things that don't reflect who they are/will be become. She likened it to if our parents sat down at lunch time with us and listened to our conversations. Much less stress for me after she said that, DS is much older now and a great person.

That’s really helpful thanks for sharing

I think it's perfectly normal for that age. I also think some people forget what they would have been talking about to friends at 13.

My DD is 15 now and I know for a fact some of her school year were having sex at 13

I agree with this. It is one thing to ensure they know how to stay safe online and quite another to snoop into their private conversations.

I don't check my 12 and 16yo DS's phones, it is an awful breach of trust IMO and wont stop this type of conversation, just push it underground.

If you want your DC to be able to confide in you and trust you as they get older you have to treat them with respect.

FWIW my mum read my diary aged 14, didn't like what she read and confronted me about it. I never trusted her again.