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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I selfish?

46 replies

hellobeautifulsoul · 05/07/2022 14:11

Hello,

I will try and keep this as short as I can. I'm worried I am being really selfish but I can't help it.
Me and my husband have 3 children, the children are all under 5, one newborn and have never had passports, myself and my husbands both ran out during covid and we haven't gotten round to renewing them as we weren't going away during covid anyway and to be honest didn't plan on it for a another year as I lost my job during covid (and I was pregnant) and we have been managing quite well on one wage but not enough for holidays abroad at the moment.

My cousin is getting married next summer abroad and wants us to go. Which I totally understand and would love to, however.
It's going to cost us £300 at least to get the passports done alone, plus flights and accommodation for the 5 of us, spending money etc, so a few thousand. We have time to save but it will be a push and will probably mean we won't be able to go abroad on our own holiday the year after. Our plan before this was to save until next year, and then book a holiday for 2024. It will be our childrens first holiday abroad, which I wanted to be somewhere we picked and not somebody's wedding destination. I know that probably sounds awful, but the destination is not where I would pick to go on holiday although lovely for them.

So now I have a dilemma of we go to the wedding, and we don't have our family holiday until the year after. Or we don't attend the wedding and do our original plan of a family holiday for the 5 of us our children's first holiday abroad. I just know I'll feel absolutely awful not going to the wedding. But I'll also be really gutted we would have to wait a whole extra year to go on our own holiday. With everything that's gone on the last few years we are desperate to finally enjoy some time away. I just feel really selfish, but also feel that I'll begrudge spending all the money we can spare going somewhere I don't want to go.

Please be kind but please be honest if I'm being really selfish. I know a wedding is a one time thing and we will get the opportunity to go on holiday another time, but its already years away and I can't help but feel gutted as we were so excited to finally be planning a holiday.

Thanks!

OP posts:

OurChristmasMiracle · 05/07/2022 14:12

It sounds like it would financially put pressure on you so I would literally just decline and it asked why state that you aren’t financially in a position to attend.

PeskyYeti · 05/07/2022 14:15

It doesn't sound like you can spare the cash, so no don't go. Not selfish as all.

Ihatethenewlook · 05/07/2022 14:15

I wouldn’t feel obliged to go to a destination wedding, no matter whose it was. I’d also probably not be obliged to go to a cousins wedding depending on the circumstances. With the combination of the two, definitely not. Will your cousin be upset if you don’t go?

Mememene · 05/07/2022 14:15

I wouldn't think twice, I'd have your family holiday. If your cousin wants to get married abroad then good luck to her but she can't complain if people can't afford it and put their annual holidays around her plans.

Two compromises come to mind.

Could you fly over yourself for a couple of days, go to the wedding and keep the costs down that way.
Is she having a celebration afterwards for those who couldn't make it in this country?

I would keep to your plans and you are not being selfish.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 05/07/2022 14:16

Given your words are gutted and excited to plan a family holiday i would do this. It certainly isnt selfish your immediate family being your priority as much as you would love to go to the wedding. Have a fab family holiday OP x

Lazypuppy · 05/07/2022 14:16

We have gone abroad for family and friends weddings but always combine it withbour own family holiday, at those agea all you need is a good kids pool and kids will be happy.

If it isn't a place that is suitable for kids then YANBU, but also check nearby hotels as you don't need to stay in the same hotel.

Honestly, it depends how much you want to go, and also think a holiday with 3 small children will be full on, i would 100% go to the wedding as presume there will be other family there so extra hands to help with the kids!

We have taken DD on holiday abroad 4 times since she was born, but we have never gone 'just us', always with otgers to help share the parenting load

Badgirlriri · 05/07/2022 14:17

Not selfish at all.

Soubriquet · 05/07/2022 14:18

Not selfish

People who have weddings abroad, have to understand it isn’t always financially possible for everyone to go

Bussty · 05/07/2022 14:18

You have to pay for the passports whether you go to the wedding or wait for the family holiday - so the cost of the passports is kind of irrelevant.

Where is the wedding? How much notice did you have? How feasible actually is it?

A few thousand seems like a hell of a lot (especially if children can go on laps for the flight and share one hotel room with travel cots). Some people would be really hurt if a family member said they couldn't attend their wedding abroad because they can't afford passports and then went on a family holiday that clearly involved getting passports. That being said, you're absolutely not being selfish for prioritising your family holiday over someone else's wedding. It's tricky to know for sure because if the holiday is in France and DH earns a six figure salary then that's very different from the holiday being in Tokyo whilst DH is on minimum wage.

In your shoes, and depending on DH's working situation and whether this is feasible, I think I'd look at just you going to the wedding (so cutting the majority of the costs that way) and then having the family holiday later on as planned.

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/07/2022 14:18

You are not being selfish at all. Just tell your cousin that you can't afford it. If she gets upset, she's the selfish one.

Badgirlriri · 05/07/2022 14:19

Lazypuppy · 05/07/2022 14:16

We have gone abroad for family and friends weddings but always combine it withbour own family holiday, at those agea all you need is a good kids pool and kids will be happy.

If it isn't a place that is suitable for kids then YANBU, but also check nearby hotels as you don't need to stay in the same hotel.

We have taken DD on holiday abroad 4 times since she was born, but we have never gone 'just us', always with otgers to help share the parenting load

I’m sure everyone is overjoyed to share YOUR parenting load on their holidays.

roarfeckingroarr · 05/07/2022 14:19

Can you go on your own?

Penguinsaregreat · 05/07/2022 14:19

Mumsnetters hate destination weddings-they are the spawn of the devil.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable in not going. Just send a card and cash/gift and say you can’t afford it.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 05/07/2022 14:20

Either fly over alone for the wedding, or give it a miss altogether. A wedding won't be fun for the kids.
Enjoy your holiday!

SugarNspices · 05/07/2022 14:23

Your not being selfish at all and as much as it sounds nice it sounds very expensive that's a lot of money to spend on somewhere you wouldn't choose to go. Maybe when your family get back off their honeymoon as a family maybe they could all arrange a nice family meal or get together for the ones who couldn't make it. My friend got married aboard but a lot of her family just couldn't afford it and she understood. They had a little party in celebration when they got back.

amigreedytowantmore · 05/07/2022 14:25

We have 3 children and the cost of holidays is eye watering - we haven't had a family holiday abroad either so in your shoes id absolutely prioritise your family hols over the cousins wedding. If it was my sister I'd maybe think differently but cousin no

Alternatively could just you go for a night or two for the wedding?

Colinthesnail · 05/07/2022 14:27

Weddings very often aren’t a “one time only” thing, even for the couple getting married. What is time limited is your children’s childhoods, so if you want to take them abroad on holiday then do it.

If you have a wedding abroad you can’t necessarily expect a cousin with three very young children to attend. Totally reasonable to decline - I wouldn’t say anything to cousin about prioritising your other holiday plans though, just that you can’t come. If pushed just say you can’t afford to. If cousin was that bothered about the whole family attending then they’d marry at home (unless you’re going to drip feed it’s the groom’s home country).

Dreamwhisper · 05/07/2022 14:31

How far is the destination? Is it plausible for you to attend for the night only and come back or is it somewhere far flung like Hawaii, Thailand etc?

Me and DP are a little hard up these past few years and when there are big events we need to attend, the main person invited tends to go and the other one stays at home with the DC. That way the person going gets a break (we have no childcare options really) and the cost is massively reduced. Would that be a possible compromise?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/07/2022 14:33

You're not being selfish.

But I dont understand you lumping in the cost of passports in your cousins wedding overall costs when it sounds like if you weren't going to that youd be going somewhere else and needing new ones anyway. Minor point though!

An alternative is that you go to your cousins wedding if it's in europe, fly in fly out or drive and do it all on the cheap and then try and go on a family holiday as well if you can afford it

Lazypuppy · 05/07/2022 14:38

Badgirlriri · 05/07/2022 14:19

I’m sure everyone is overjoyed to share YOUR parenting load on their holidays.

Show quote history

😂😂 chill out!

we go with friends who have kids so we all share it, so 4 adults to 2 kids. Much easier so everyone gets some time to relax

KeyWorker · 05/07/2022 14:39

It’s not selfish to not go to the wedding. Getting married abroad is a lovely idea and great for the couple involved but they have to accept that it means not all the family/friends they would like to attend will be able to make it. We attended a friends wedding abroad 10 years ago and we have a great time, shared a villa with our close group of friends and had a blast. Fast forward to now and we’ve just declined a friends wedding abroad. It’s in term time and not a destination we’d choose. We comfortable afford a (fairly luxury) week-10 days holiday every 18 months or so and I wasn’t prepared to use up this lot of holiday money on a destination I’d not pick and spend the week on someone else's timetable.

Dont worry about compromise and only you going ect, also don’t spend too long explaining to them or going into detail of your financial set up. Just politely decline and wish them well. YAN selfish.

Annoyingkidstv · 05/07/2022 14:46

Nope, not at all. I’ve turned down numerous abroad hens because similar reasons…. Financial pressure elsewhere. It’s not as black & white when there are 3 children to pay for all year. Save your money for a family holiday you actually want to go on. Fwiw, I’ll likely get married abroad. There’s only a handful of people I expect will be able to come. This is the compromise when you get married abroad, you have to understand it’s simply not viable for many of your guests.

LoudingVoice · 05/07/2022 14:54

You don’t have to go to the wedding, not selfish at all.

When you choose to get married abroad you have to accept not everyone will come- we got married abroad and invited 3 times the number of people who came, it was what we expected, I only really wanted a small wedding so it meant everyone got an invite but we knew they wouldn’t all come.

wednesday32 · 05/07/2022 15:10

It's a wedding invite, not a court summons. You simply rsvp 'thankyou for inviting us however we are unable to make it. we wish you a lovely wedding and will look forward to hearing all about it upon your return.'

stayingpositiveifpossible · 05/07/2022 15:22

If it were your sister it would be more of a priority. But it's a cousin.

Think there comes a point where you have to prioritise the wellbeing of your own family.

Plenty can't afford holidays at all at the moment.

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