Am I selfish?

[hellobeautifulsoul]

Hello,

I will try and keep this as short as I can. I'm worried I am being really selfish but I can't help it.
Me and my husband have 3 children, the children are all under 5, one newborn and have never had passports, myself and my husbands both ran out during covid and we haven't gotten round to renewing them as we weren't going away during covid anyway and to be honest didn't plan on it for a another year as I lost my job during covid (and I was pregnant) and we have been managing quite well on one wage but not enough for holidays abroad at the moment.

My cousin is getting married next summer abroad and wants us to go. Which I totally understand and would love to, however.
It's going to cost us £300 at least to get the passports done alone, plus flights and accommodation for the 5 of us, spending money etc, so a few thousand. We have time to save but it will be a push and will probably mean we won't be able to go abroad on our own holiday the year after. Our plan before this was to save until next year, and then book a holiday for 2024. It will be our childrens first holiday abroad, which I wanted to be somewhere we picked and not somebody's wedding destination. I know that probably sounds awful, but the destination is not where I would pick to go on holiday although lovely for them.

So now I have a dilemma of we go to the wedding, and we don't have our family holiday until the year after. Or we don't attend the wedding and do our original plan of a family holiday for the 5 of us our children's first holiday abroad. I just know I'll feel absolutely awful not going to the wedding. But I'll also be really gutted we would have to wait a whole extra year to go on our own holiday. With everything that's gone on the last few years we are desperate to finally enjoy some time away. I just feel really selfish, but also feel that I'll begrudge spending all the money we can spare going somewhere I don't want to go.

Please be kind but please be honest if I'm being really selfish. I know a wedding is a one time thing and we will get the opportunity to go on holiday another time, but its already years away and I can't help but feel gutted as we were so excited to finally be planning a holiday.

Thanks!

Of course not, and if your cousin was genuinely keen for all her relatives to come she wouldn't have chosen a wedding abroad - as that's often a decision made in order to keep the numbers down!

When people have a wedding abroad they of course run the risk that others can't go. I think it's actually incredibly selfish to expect others to spend hundreds of pounds on your wedding.

I wouldn't go if you can't afford it op, I expect you won't be the only ones. With 3 young kids it's a huge ask. Save your money for something that you really want to do. X

Not at all selfish at all to decline the wedding invitation - just do it sooner rather than later.

I don't think you're being selfish at all x

It’s not selfish to prioritise your family. Most people having a wedding abroad expect that a lot of people won’t come. Send a nice card and gift.

People who plan a wedding abroad need to be prepared for people not to go. And if they don’t like it, tough. It’s incredibly selfish to expect someone to pay for what is, in essence, a holiday they didn’t want to go on to a place they didn’t choose to go to. As PPs have said, decline and say unfortunately the cost is too much.

Not a chance would I got to an expensive wedding in this situation.

No can do...politely.

It's a cousin's wedding abroad. I wouldn't even consider going in your financial position.

Travelling abroad with 2 under 5 isn't a holiday...

3 even worse!

Wow thank you for your replies everyone!

So to answer a few of the questions to give a bit more back story..

My husband doesn't earn huge money, enough for us to pay all the bills and have the odd treat/take away etc but we don't splurge and are careful with where money goes.

I did think about going alone however I'm a terrible flyer, just the thought of going away with the family already fills me with dread about flying, so I don't know how I would manage doing it alone as I've never had to before. Silly I know.

The problem I've had is she is like "oh I really hope you can come, it just won't be the same without you, there's plenty of time to save" so from that moment I just felt terrible.

The passports isn't an issue that's true really, just means we would have to get them sooner than we anticipated. To be honest this is a long time in the future so god knows with the way things are going if we could even afford to go on holiday ourselves let alone the wedding. The prices I've seen are quite high compared to what we have been used to.

Thank you all for your comments, I feel a lot better about it and will let them know sooner rather than later.

I have one last issue.. I have a feeling when I tell her we won't be able to attend that she won't take it well and it could cause a rift between us. I don't know this for sure but I don't think she is going to be very happy about it. 😬

Well if she really wanted you to come she would either have had her wedding in the UK or paid for you to attend.

Anybody who books a wedding abroad should be aware that a lot of people wouldn't be able to make it for plenty of reasons, especially financial.

I wouldn't be sacrificing what I had planned for someone elses wedding abroad and nobody should expect you to.

No it doesn't make you selfish, in fact I find it very selfish of her to say that to you and make you feel the way you do.

If you get married abroad then you accept that some of your friends/ family won't be in attendance

They will be fine

you ar enot being selfish. she is trying to guilt triop you into sp;ending more money that you can afford. she chose the destination so she gets the consequences that some people will not be able to afford to come. I think it is a bit of a shame that she probably will have fewer people attending as the cost of everything has gone up, but thos e are the risks you take wiht a wedding abroad.

Your immediate family comes first, simple!

You say about your own foreign holiday but state you have lost your job and just about managing? Does this managing include having left over money each month for emergencies?

I would suggest ditch any extravagant holidays for the time being until your get another job or a bit more financial security. You really can get some cheap breaks out there in this country. We are reasonable well off but have some goals to achieve so we are more than happy going for a few nights away in a caravan just for a change in scenery.

Don't make a foreign holiday another potential demand and risk on your finances. You have to make the right decisions for your children. A roof over their heads is the most important thing.

Go alone but fly with other family members that are going

I think it is very selfish to arrange a wedding that will cost £ks for people to attend and then put pressure on them to come. By all means, have a destination wedding but you have to accept that other people might not want to spend that kind of money to be there.

You would be doing nothing wrong in declining the invitation.

I think if you're having a destination wedding you have to graciously accept that you're going to have a lot of people who won't come because they either can't afford it/don't want to spend so much on it/don't want to use their annual leave on it etc etc

The problem I've had is she is like "oh I really hope you can come, it just won't be the same without you, there's plenty of time to save" so from that moment I just felt terrible.

"There's plenty of time to save" is such a cheeky thing to expect someone to do just to come to your expensive wedding

Are you close to your cousin? That would be the thing for me - basically did I want to go! You don't particularly sound like you do so you aren't unreasonable not to - people can't expect others to pay thousands to attend their wedding.