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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my upset towards my partner

86 replies

likeadog · 05/07/2022 13:19

We don't live together but he is signed off work and cannot drive for medical reasons.
He's been staying at mine approx50% of the time. I'm a single parent with three kids.
He is generous in that he'll bring me for
Lunch or dinner at times but I've been providing all the fuel and most of the food.
He buys little treats for his siblings kids all of the time when he is away to bring back.

My issue is this.
He asked to bring me for lunch today after I dropped and collected him from an appointment an hour away.

Not only did he not bring me for
Lunch, I ended up buying us the lunch at a shitty service station and we ate in the car as he didn't want to sit in.
He then went and bought his nieces and nephews treats for when he gets home.
I got so cross.
Never anything for my kids despite living in our home half the time and not even a sandwich for lunch!
I pay majority of petrol and food costs.
AIBU.

OP posts:
Lonelygal22 · 05/07/2022 14:19

He’s taking advantage and sadly you’re letting him walk all over you. Take this moment as time for self reflection. Why is your self esteem so low that you’re willing to put up with this? Perhaps use the money you are spending on him on some long overdue therapy. It’s the least you can do for your children. Put them first for once.

Original poster
likeadog · 05/07/2022 14:23

My kids are always number one with me. That's not the issue here

OP posts:
Catsdrool · 05/07/2022 14:27

How long have you been together?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/07/2022 14:30

Seriously I've been conned by blokes like this when I was a single mum. I know better now.
What is stopping you dating someone who can drive, with a job, with a future.

Swedalia · 05/07/2022 14:30

English is not my first language, but I don’t understand what you mean..did he bring you lunch at the service station?

Lonelygal22 · 05/07/2022 14:31

likeadog · 05/07/2022 14:23

My kids are always number one with me. That's not the issue here

That isn’t very self reflective. Read back your post and guess again.

Bananalanacake · 05/07/2022 14:32

How would he react if you were to tell him you still want a relationship with him but you don't want him to stay over at yours so often, he can stay over once a fortnight on the understanding he provides the meal. If he likes you for you he will do this if he fucks off you'll know he was sponging off you.

Swedalia · 05/07/2022 14:33

Ok read the update. He is not generous, and he doesn’t seem to care for you very much. Sounds like he’s taking you for granted and like his meal ticket for life.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/07/2022 14:33

likeadog · 05/07/2022 14:23

My kids are always number one with me. That's not the issue here

Well, he's doing his best to make sure that he's number one over and above your children right now, so like him or not, if you want them to know where they truly lie in your priorities, you're going to have to put them first by getting shot of the cuckoo.

DarkGlassesAndHat · 05/07/2022 14:34

So you're the one working to pay for everything and he's only spending on his family's kids?!

Not fair at all!

Mally100 · 05/07/2022 14:35

likeadog · 05/07/2022 14:23

My kids are always number one with me. That's not the issue here

You absolutely cannot say that and in the very same breath describe him the way you did, with a straight face. One or the other isn't true.

LonelyInAutumn · 05/07/2022 15:07

Do you actually like him or have you idealised him? Do his negative qualities outweigh the good? It sounds like you resent him

Unanananana · 05/07/2022 15:08

likeadog · 05/07/2022 14:23

My kids are always number one with me. That's not the issue here

They aren't. It is the issue.

If they were, you'd bin the cocklodger. This would put more of your time and money back into the family rather than falling over yourself to pay for this feckless loser.

But you'll keep flogging this dead horse because you 'lurve him'. Why do you?

Lonelygal22 · 05/07/2022 15:08

Mally100 · 05/07/2022 14:35

You absolutely cannot say that and in the very same breath describe him the way you did, with a straight face. One or the other isn't true.

Show quote history

👏👏👏

Holymole · 05/07/2022 15:11

What's the point of him taking you for lunch if you pay for it? Doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the party really, just being a sponger.

Original poster
likeadog · 05/07/2022 15:14

I do like him a lot but our relationship has changed due to his illness.
He cannot do certain things or go certain places so it's essentially all on his terms for the foreseeable. Future.
I am tired and maybe I'm getting resentful.
I feel guilt for this but I've asked him to leave today as he does not see where I'm coming from, in fact he is angry and insulted.

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 05/07/2022 15:15

He isn't generous. He is doing just enough to fool you into thinking he is.

The reality is that he is sponging off you, and therefore your kids as he is using your money and resources that could otherwise be spent on them.

He knows what he is doing.

You on the other hand naively think you're putting your kids first, but unless you're very comfortable financially, the reality is that you're actually putting him first by allowing him to divert funds/ resources away from your kids to him.

Mercurial123 · 05/07/2022 15:15

Work on your self worth and get rid of him. Your children surely take priority?

SummerInSun · 05/07/2022 15:15

Time for an honest conversation: "it is costing me X to feed you, Y to buy petrol to drive you round, and I wouldn't mind if you reciprocated but as things stand you are costing me a lot of money. I care about you but can't/don't want to support you, as it's not fair on me or my kids."

His reaction tells you what you need to know. If he says "fair point, you are quite right, I'll pay my way and let me start by giving you money for X", this may be salvageable. If he gets defensive and says "if you really cared about me you would be happy to pay / how can you put this pressure on me when I'm signed off work / I'll make it up to you at some unspecified date in the future" then it's time to get rid of him.

Original poster
likeadog · 05/07/2022 15:16

Also I have no interest in us being a unit with my children and him . I won't be blending. I don't believe in it being in the best interests of the kids, regardless of who the partner is.

OP posts:
Lonelygal22 · 05/07/2022 15:16

likeadog · 05/07/2022 15:16

Also I have no interest in us being a unit with my children and him . I won't be blending. I don't believe in it being in the best interests of the kids, regardless of who the partner is.

Then why are you wasting your time, money and energy? Quite frankly I am baffled.

11Hawkins · 05/07/2022 15:18

likeadog · 05/07/2022 15:16

Also I have no interest in us being a unit with my children and him . I won't be blending. I don't believe in it being in the best interests of the kids, regardless of who the partner is.

But you have blended? You've introduced your kids to him and he lives at yours 50 percent of the time! 😳

What is wrong with him? Mentally or physically?

lamaze1 · 05/07/2022 15:19

Sorry my post crossed with yours.

I'll bet he couldn't believe how lucky he has been having everything on his terms whilst contributing nothing!

Ifhe was genuinely surprised he would have been embarrassed and offered to put his hand in his pocket to pay his way. Him being angry and insulted is him deflecting and trying to make you feel bad and back down. Don't back down.

Original poster
likeadog · 05/07/2022 15:20

@Lonelygal22 what is baffling you?
I did it because he is poorly and dependant now.
I did it because I wanted to.
Now I see I'm being taken for granted and it's almost like it's a given... my own fault for allowing this.
Up to this point we only saw one another eow and a night or two the other weekend due to work commitments. It's all changed sadly.

OP posts:
Musti · 05/07/2022 15:21

Work out how much extra he is costing you by living there and get him to pay you. Jeez