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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why I wasn't invited?

33 replies

SW5678 · 05/07/2022 12:44

A friend of nearly 20 years (grew up together, high school together etc) had a first birthday party for her DS at the weekend and didn't invite me or my 10 month old DD. I found out about the party after seeing photos on social media. I wouldn't be upset if it was just a family thing but mutual friends attended with their babies. As far as I'm aware there's been no falling out and I'm at a loss as to why we were excluded when we have been close friends for years. This isn't someone who I text once a year, it's someone who's been a big part of my life for so long.
So my AIBU, should I ask why and explain I'm upset at being left out? I don't want to leave things to bubble over. Or do I just leave it?

OP posts:

SmileyPiuPiu · 05/07/2022 12:45

It could just be a numbers thing?

Badgirlriri · 05/07/2022 12:46

I would definitely ask.

Original poster

SW5678 · 05/07/2022 12:48

Just to address numbers, it was at their house. Would totally understand if it was a soft play or activity type party and my DD is younger than the others so probably wouldn't have been able to participate

OP posts:

ParanoidGynodroid · 05/07/2022 12:49

Ask her.

But sadly it seems that she may have some new mum friends that she prefers to you.
She doesn't strike me as a very good friend, OP.

DayreeMilk · 05/07/2022 12:51

Is there any possibility that she did the invite via social media and made a mistake? Reason I ask is my sister missed an invite to a neighbours bbq because they did a mass FB invite and clicked the wrong name, totally innocent.

Kitten2 · 05/07/2022 12:53

You could say
'Saw you had a birthday party for X at the weekend. Hope they enjoyed it. Looks like you guys had a great time.'
And see if she responds with some sort of explanation?

I don't think it's worth a falling out over though.
Just be conscious of it when making your own plans and decisions.

ChubbyButt · 05/07/2022 12:54

She might've forgotten you (not because she doesn't love you but because people forget people when they're exhausted or just human), she might've typed your email address incorrectly when sending the invites, someone else may have organised it (her partner or a friend or family member) and they didn't think of you, you said the others are older but then said "babies" so what is the age gap - if every other child was 2-3 then a 10mo is very different in terms of accommodating them, feeding them etc... I really wouldn't assume the worst.

If everything else has been normal then I'd just carry on as normal and assume it was a miscommunication or an oversight or well intended.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 05/07/2022 12:55

I was really hurt to be missed out of similar for a friend. Transpired her sister had organised it and had put me on the list but struggled to contact me as I don’t use Facebook and the event was a surprise.

ImprobablePuffin · 05/07/2022 13:01

Surely if you're close friends and have known each other for years then you could just politely ask without there being any awkwardness?

mummypie17 · 05/07/2022 13:12

If you are really close then just ask. It could be a mistake. I had some good friends who weren't originally invited to my hen party because their invite might have gone to Spam. They mentioned it and I sent the invite again.

Clovacloud · 05/07/2022 13:17

It’s a horrible feeling to you OP.

One of my closest friends (been friends for 15 years, travelled the world together, bought flats near each other) had a daughter with his wife 3 months before mine and DH’s was born.

He told me that his DD’s Christening was family only because of numbers, which was fine, wished them a wonderful time and sent a lovely present.

The weekend of the Christening all our mutual friends (20-30 including all their children) started a big email chain with the photos. I was included because he’d told everyone that we couldn’t make it, and our friends thought I’d love to see the photos. So it was very obvious my family had not been invited deliberately. I made it easy for him and never contacted him again. I was so, so hurt, and it was the end of what had been such a lovely friendship.

So if I was reliving this again, I would check with any mutual friends you are close with what was said about your absence, and then go from there. If she’s made something up, you know it was deliberate. If nothing was said, she might have just forgotten and I’d ask why.

octoberfarm · 05/07/2022 13:23

I'm sorry OP, I get why that would be so hurtful. I would absolutely ask - you've nothing to lose and honestly it may be a totally innocent situation where the invite didn't go out or similar. You could keep it low key and say "Hey, I saw the photos for the event and it looked like you all had a lovely time. I wondered if I could check in on why I wasn't invited, as I was a bit surprised and wanted to make sure nothing was wrong?" or similar.

Bunty55 · 05/07/2022 13:25

Is this friend someone you see regularly?

Mally100 · 05/07/2022 13:29

I think you need to ask her and take it from there. It would be most odd if someone else planned her baby's party as a surprise for her so she must have done the inviting herself. You need to find out the true reason and then decide on the friendship.

Blackberrybunnet · 05/07/2022 13:34

I missed out on a valued former colleague's retiral party because someone said they'd send me an invite by email and either didn't, or else it got lost in the airwaves (or sent to spam). I was miffed not to be invited. She was miffed that I didn't come. neither of us found out until several years later (actually I still don't know for sure that she ever did find out). So - check it out before jumping to any conclusions.

OompaLoompaa · 05/07/2022 13:40

How often do you see her? It could be that she invited mum friends she sees each week and didn’t have space for you. There has to be a cut off point somewhere.
Did you ask her what her plans were regarding her DC’s birthday or are you not that close anymore? Did you send a card?
Seeing something like this on social media is a horrible feeling, we’ve all been there, I wouldn’t ask why I wasn’t invited.

Jowasace · 05/07/2022 13:41

This has happened to me. It’s a horrible feeling. I would ask so you do keep wondering. I would also ask what mutual friends were told about your absence.

My friend was someone who had an older child in class with my eldest and we had babies within 6 weeks of each other. The babies saw a lot of each other and grew to be great friends actually.

Her marriage ended and then she started a new family. I supported her - I wasn’t in her life as much as she was always busy. However I was not invited to the baby shower which I was told was an oversight as one of her friends who didn’t really know me arranged it.

But when the christening happened I realised that our friendship didn’t mean as much to her as it did to me.

it really really stung and upset me quite a lot. It wasn’t the lack of invite just not knowing what I’d done!

Since then, I’ve seen that she’s had ups and downs with other friends - they appear on everything on social media for months and months but then nothing. That’s happened a few times.

I felt stupid for being used but I’m at peace with it now.

I do hope you get an explanation of what happened!

ComDummings · 05/07/2022 13:42

Definitely just ask her

Charlieiscool · 05/07/2022 13:47

You could ask but she might not be honest and the answer might be hurtful. On the other hand there might be some simple explanation. It’s a horrible thing to experience though.

Ilady · 05/07/2022 16:02

I think what kitten2 has said here is the way to bring up what you saw and ask in a nice way about it. I would ask her face to face also to see her reaction because either she realise that she forgot you or she know that she was caught with leaving you out.
You can decide then what involvement you want with her going forward

Laiste · 05/07/2022 16:10

Did she not chat about the preparations for the party face to face?

When did you last speak to her?

I'm not sure weather i'd ask or not tbh.

It's possible she thought she'd invited you, but on the other hand if a good friend didn't turn up to something i'd invited them to i'd be texting to see if they were ok.

If she didn't invite you it will be a v awkward convo.

Sometimes friends do drift away. Make new ones OP😊

Bunce1 · 05/07/2022 16:16

I would say-
party looked so lovely! My invite must have gotten lost in the post??! And laugh about it.

catpoppet · 05/07/2022 16:19

I'd ask a mutual friend to have a word on your behalf, see if they can find anything out. Less confrontational.

Arnaquer · 05/07/2022 16:22

I'd ask her and tell her you feel
hurt that you weren't invited. Nothing to lose.

Isonthecase · 05/07/2022 16:23

It may well be something to do with where she knows them from. I know when we did a second party recently we just invited nursery friends from the same group because it felt a bit safer on the covid front since if they got it from each other they were going to get it anyway.

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