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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL is wrong to lie about this to her 12yo?

50 replies

TournamentIgloo · 05/07/2022 05:27

12yo SIL due to go to camp on Wednesday for a week. Camp is 'optional' if you dig deep but massively encouraged by MIL. Very, very strongly encouraged. She has been going to camp for 4+ years and every year has homesickness problems, last year bad enough camp wouldn't work through it with her (plus 11yo at the time SIL was completely distraught and unwilling) and she was sent home.

Camp was strongly encouraged again this year, discussions were had about how this time it would be better (because of various reasons, some likely very true!) and SIL agreed to try again. She is excited to go and is looking forward to this year.

MIL and her DH have booked an abroad holiday while SIL is at camp and have not told her they are going, and are going to quite extreme lengths to maintain the lie (eg. telling SIL she wont be able to send her photos of home because 'camp have asked parents to NOT communicate with campers about home, to avoid homesickness'). SIL is under the impression they will be 2.5 hours away in a car, not 12 hours and various transport methods (flights, taxi's, possible hire cars) away - that would be a very best case scenario, an unplanned trip home could easily take them 24 hours.

They have not asked anyone in the family to be available in an emergency so I expect they are banking everything on it going well and assuming if it goes wrong, it'll go SO wrong that someone will jump to help anyway.

I think using the time for a holiday is a great idea but that lying to SIL about it is utterly abhorrent, I think it's a fundamental and pretty intentional breaking of trust with a child still young enough for it to have a pretty big impact. Especially if she finds out while already very distressed that her parents are actually not even in the country. OH agrees - though put up with similar forced excursions in his childhood so is less incensed than I am.

I am completely unaware if the camp know they are going abroad - though they will have OH's info somewhere as an emergency contact.

We are pretty sure MIL IBU but I was a massively sensitive child with regular homesickness and various trauma issues and I have lost my objectivity. Is this less of a big deal than I think it is?

(OH and I are adults and OH will of course go and collect her if the need arises - though isn't thrilled nobody actually asked him.)

OP posts:
acuteanxiety · 05/07/2022 05:46

I hate this so much

When you miss your parents and get home sick it's the worst feeling in the world

Yes makes sense to use the time if your child is asking to go on the camp NOT just in agreement

I find it really hard and incredible being a parent. Right now I am a mum, mostly and I accept that.

Your MIL a has a daughter who is still a child, she should be there for her

If them in theory being away doesn't change the outcome of her leaving then yes I get why they might not mention it, but the deceit and lack of regard for her feelings is just SadSad

Goodskin46 · 05/07/2022 05:48

I can't quite believe what I'm reading surely this is a terrible, terrible plan.

daretodenim · 05/07/2022 05:48

I agree she should know. It may actually exacerbate her dislike of being there, but that's better than needing them and finding out they're abroad and lied about it.

If the parents can go abroad then why couldn't they have brought their daughter, instead of sending her to camp she really doesn't want to go to. If she finds out about the holiday because she needs to be brought home she'll feel betrayed to not have known. But there's the additional aspect to find out your parents forced you to spend a week in your version of hell specifically so they can go on holiday without you. At 12.5 shes definitely going to hurt by that. And it is hurtful.

And do the ILs actually think she'll never find out? Are they not taking any photos? Not telling anybody SIL knows - so nobody ever asks them about it in future? Not going to ever mention it in future?

daretodenim · 05/07/2022 05:52

Sorry just realised DH not FIL. That's actually worse. Where's her DF..if he's either dead or not in contact with her then this is even worse.

MIL isn't wrong to want a week with DH but this is the wrong way to do it on so many levels. Knowing SIL doesn't want to go and has a history with it, I'd say it's close to abandonment. Obviously she's returning but that's how it'll feel to SIL.

Original poster
TournamentIgloo · 05/07/2022 05:58

daretodenim · 05/07/2022 05:52

Sorry just realised DH not FIL. That's actually worse. Where's her DF..if he's either dead or not in contact with her then this is even worse.

MIL isn't wrong to want a week with DH but this is the wrong way to do it on so many levels. Knowing SIL doesn't want to go and has a history with it, I'd say it's close to abandonment. Obviously she's returning but that's how it'll feel to SIL.

Sorry, should have been clearer. MILs DH is child's Father, just not Father of my OH (and no fatherly relationship there!).

OP posts:
Original poster
TournamentIgloo · 05/07/2022 06:01

No idea why they seem to think she wont find out. It's a beach/pool type destination and I imagine they will be more tanned. Definitely picture people too so absolutely no idea why she think's it'll go un-noticed long term, even if SIL doesn't find out now.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 05/07/2022 06:02

This is bad.
Shouldn't send a homesick child, it just ruins it for everyone else. Never been homesick myself, always enjoyed myself , enjoyed the activities, but looked forward to seeing my parents at the end. Both my boys ran off without a backward glance. So I don't have much sympathy for homesickness generally. But what I do know is that lying is bad and OP's situation she described is not good.

DiamanteDelia · 05/07/2022 06:04

Poor girl. The whole plan seems pretty cruel. Why couldn’t they take her with them?

OMGOMGOMGHELP · 05/07/2022 06:05

Your OH needs to start making plans in case he does have to collect. And then he can start to think about plans when he has a runaway at his door once she finds out the truth.

This is wrong on so many levels and will be horribly damaging to her. What sort of holiday are they doing that they can't take her with them? Or do they not want to take her with them? I don't think I would ever have forgiven this or been able to get over it.

Original poster
TournamentIgloo · 05/07/2022 06:06

FUCK THE DAILY MAIL, FUCK TABLOIDS, FUCK THEM ALL

covering bases, would not like to increase the chances of her seeing this

OP posts:
Original poster
TournamentIgloo · 05/07/2022 06:15

OMGOMGOMGHELP · 05/07/2022 06:05

Your OH needs to start making plans in case he does have to collect. And then he can start to think about plans when he has a runaway at his door once she finds out the truth.

This is wrong on so many levels and will be horribly damaging to her. What sort of holiday are they doing that they can't take her with them? Or do they not want to take her with them? I don't think I would ever have forgiven this or been able to get over it.

OH's work situation would allow him complete freedom to collect her if she needs to leave, I am fairly confident that this will not lead to a complete breakdown in her relationship with her parents even if she finds out (though it definitely would have with me, and it will of course damage the relationship I'm sure). She certainly will always have somewhere to go and has a much less alarming family life than this one incident might depict.

The camp trip itself this year is not inappropriate, SIL wants to go and there are some practical differences between this year and last that are very very likely to make a huge difference. But camp is pushed and the holiday wont have been mentioned to her. The holiday wouldn't have been on offer for her with or without camp - fancy adult resort.

I can get on board with the holiday (though my preference would be a family one, I'm not here to police their happiness or what works for them) - but the lie seems so so unreasonable it does feel quite cruel!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 05/07/2022 06:23

Will they do a family holiday too?

DiamanteDelia · 05/07/2022 06:30

I can get on board with the holiday (though my preference would be a family one, I'm not here to police their happiness or what works for them)

It all sounds part and parcel of the same thing to me. If they had given any thought to their daughter while booking the holiday, they wouldn’t now feel they had to lie to her.

Hesma · 05/07/2022 06:31

Poor kid 😢

crossstitchingnana · 05/07/2022 06:34

It feels so uncaring.

Original poster
TournamentIgloo · 05/07/2022 06:35

toomuchlaundry · 05/07/2022 06:23

Will they do a family holiday too?

Yes, have been away nationally this spring for a few nights. Fun activity based trip tacked onto a v short business thing her Dad needed to go to.

They do plenty holidays within the country, she generally goes on one a year, plus some short trips here and there - she's not living a hard life generally!😁I don't think her missing an adult's holiday is the big factor here though.

MIL is coming away with us in Sept minus SIL, which she was disappointed about but accepted pretty easily. I think that might add fuel to the fire if she finds out about this holiday and the lie.

OP posts:
LilyMarshall · 05/07/2022 06:38

DiamanteDelia · 05/07/2022 06:30

I can get on board with the holiday (though my preference would be a family one, I'm not here to police their happiness or what works for them)

It all sounds part and parcel of the same thing to me. If they had given any thought to their daughter while booking the holiday, they wouldn’t now feel they had to lie to her.

If they actually thought this behaviour was acceptable, they wouldnt need to lie.

LilyMarshall · 05/07/2022 06:40

Why are you and your oh going away with the mil in sept and leaving the child again?

TheLadyofShalott1 · 05/07/2022 06:41

Goodskin46 · 05/07/2022 05:48

I can't quite believe what I'm reading surely this is a terrible, terrible plan.

@Goodskin46 What Goodskin said!!

DiamanteDelia · 05/07/2022 06:41

LilyMarshall · 05/07/2022 06:38

If they actually thought this behaviour was acceptable, they wouldnt need to lie.

Show quote history

Quite.

toomuchlaundry · 05/07/2022 06:43

Do they ever take her abroad?

00100001 · 05/07/2022 06:45

LilyMarshall · 05/07/2022 06:40

Why are you and your oh going away with the mil in sept and leaving the child again?

Presumably child will be at home with her Dad.

Original poster
TournamentIgloo · 05/07/2022 06:46

LilyMarshall · 05/07/2022 06:40

Why are you and your oh going away with the mil in sept and leaving the child again?

Because we are getting married, and cannot afford to fund SILs transport. We would frankly have preferred nobody to come but we couldn't quite swing that, and MIL doesn't want to bring SIL.

OP posts:
MonsterKidz · 05/07/2022 06:48

I absolutely hate children being lied to.

It must trigger something from my own childhood and given how often I have seen my parents want to tell small lies to my own children, I know it must have stemmed from that.

Its good that SIL wants to go to camp this year and hopefully it will be a positive experience. Thinking her parents are at home whilst she is there when they are not is pretty awful. If something happens and she needs them, she will feel bereft and abandoned. I know you and husband can be there for her but still…
I could not leave the country without my child knowing.

Original poster
TournamentIgloo · 05/07/2022 06:48

No. That's not fair of me. MIL would probably have brought SIL if we also invited her Husband, which would have made the whole thing completely impossible. SIL will be at home with her Dad at school, and we will be getting married with only 2 witnesses. That's definitely not an issue here and please don't somehow turn this on me.

OP posts: