Does your actions as a teenager define you as an adult?

[listofwrists]

As the title says, my friend when she was 15 made up serious lies/allegations against a teacher as revenge for giving her a detention as she failed to complete a piece of homework correctly.

Friend is now in her 40's.

That was a really bad thing to do and probably affected the teachers life in many drastic ways. I know someone from school who did something really horrible and that's what everyone knows them for.

Not necessarily universally define however one’s behaviour and treatment of others is indicative of your personality. If there’s a pattern of dysfunctional behaviour and lies then yes it matters if it was a one off lie it’s serious but probably not defining

The kids who were unpleasant at my school remain unpleasant adults

Bitches don't tend to grow out of it, in my experience. And nasty, malicious, vindictive liars like your friend seldom improve either.

I am the polar opposite of teenage me in every way possible.

sadly they will have to pay retribution 100X over. so poor teenage behavior can be forgiven/forgotten but that's via many many good deeds. and occasionally a written apology.

Why is this in AIBU?

On that sort of level, I think yes it does!

It's not like she snuck a shot of her parents vodka and watered it down, or skipped school one day.

She could have (we don't know as you've not said in your OP) ruined that teachers life. She did something evil and vindictive that's also a really really out there thing for a teenager to do, imo that's not something someone would grow out of, I think on a level she's still the same person that did that horrible thing. I wouldn't be friends with her.

Well, sometimes it does. Psychopaths tend to present as teenagers and demonstrate disturbing behaviour, problems with discipline, etc which indicates that they don't have a conscience. Some might be able to cover it up later in life, particularly as they don't want to end up in trouble with the law. But it will always be an act.

Malice does not change with age - it just gets cleverer.

She was 15, she knew exactly what she was doing. This wasn't a naughty kid doing something spontaneously stupid, this was a calculated, malicious, vindictive act and I think the capacity to do something like that is ingrained in someone.

Don't ever cross her eh.

Of course it doesn't. Your brain isn't fully matured until you are at least 25 and empathy is the last part to develop.

What your friend did was wrong, I hope she has made ammends for her own sake but no, lots of teenage girls go through a spiteful stage.

I didn't go through a spiteful stage but was an absolute nightmare with boys, I'm really not now.

no It doesn’t define the adult. I was a very hormonal unhappy uncooperative teen and changed unrecognisably over the years. The years bring a lot of learning

@MaxOverTheMoon if you think what OP describes is merely "spiteful" Id hate to know what you'd consider to be thoroughly bad behaviour.

No. People grow up and change.

What matters is what this person is like as an adult.

When you say do they definite her,do you mean should you let her actions then affect your view of her now?

Depends.

Assuming this was a one off, not part of a pattern that continued into adulthood:

Generally speaking 15 is a point when empathy is not fully formed and decision making is immature also there is a lot of variance in parental and social influence. Someone could have been raised thinking that this is an acceptable way to deal with conflict, but have since grown up to understand that it is wildly inappropriate and disproportionate.

15 is above the age of criminal responsibility so I would say the individual is accountable for their actions, therefore I would want to know how they are now rather than discounting something so serious as having no relation to their current character.

How does she talk about these allegations, does she show remorse?

Also what was the outcome for the teacher, was there an investigation and if it found in her favour, has she ever tried to put this right?

If the teacher's reputation and/ or livelihood was destroyed and she, as an adult, doesn't see a problem or finds it funny, then no, I wouldn't want anything to do with her. However if she sees it as a regrettable mistake, an immature and impulsive decision that would never happen now then no, it doesn't define her.

It's a big, vicious fabrication as teenage porkies go, but if she has reflected suitably, come clean, and substantially changed her strategies for dealing with adverse situations then that's not who she is anymore.

I work in a job where I get malicious made up complaints by YP on a fairly regular basis (a few times a year). By the time they're 21 and I'm closing them they are 99% of the time completely different and sorry about their actions. Behaviour is communication and I'd feel quite sorry for someone being so spiteful, they must feel pretty shit inside to do that to someone.

I met the girl who bullied me (and God she was a bitch) as an adult - and she'd grown up to be a perfectly nice person. She'd had a fair bit of shit to deal with a teen and it made her unhappy and mean. But that's the thing about teens, they are works in progress. What you see is not the finished product.

Thoughts on that vary. Presenting with behavioural difficulties as a teenager is definitely one of the criteria for assessing psychopaths.

Children of that age also tend to have quite narrow moral boundaries and little courage to go beyond them, unless they are psychologically unusual and/or come from a very disturbed background.

What would concern me about your friend's behaviour is that it sounds quite planned and not spontaneous, that she is talking about it now (boasting/pushing your boundaries) and it must have had serious consequences out of proportion to the detention. The detention indicates that she already had quite behavioural problems.

I would stay well away from this person.

Of course they don't. Assuming she's a perfectly OK person now, the past us the past. She may even ha e apologised to the teacher for all you know.

I don't think someone deserves to be effectively punished by society for something they did as a teen, no (unless exceptional circumstances eg murder)

Lots of teens have troubled backgrounds and dont get the help they need. Teens arent exactly known for thinking things through.

Of course people can change for the better when they grow up. Otherwise we would all be known as 'the man who got in a fight' or 'the girl who snogged her mate's boyfriend' or whatever other stupid behaviour they did at the time.

Even if she had got a conviction for wasting police time it would be spent

It’s very hard with the “we believe you” thing which I as a feminist I wholeheartedly supported until one of dds friends made up some awful allegations. She eventually admitted they were lies as she was -“bored” but if taken further her allegations could have ruined innocent lives. My Dd is under strict instructions to have nothing whatsoever to do with her - I wouldn’t have her in our house. Very dangerous. Not sure some of these girls appreciate the gravity of what they are doing or the power of their lies. Well I hope they don’t anyway.

@AllTheDancers you can't diagnose OPs friend as a psychopath based off one incident when she was 15 even if you were a psychiatrist. Teenagers really are like toddlers at times. Their brains develop rapidly in some areas and not others.

And also - teenagers are hard wired to push the rules and rebel. Not just troubled teens. Most offending behaviour at this age is because it's fun. They need boundaries and structure just as much as toddlers.

Generally no. This sounds particularly bad, but again it’s quite possible to grow into an entirely different person as a mature adult.

The question would be if she regrets it now I guess.

For example, I used to think communism was quite a good idea when I was a teenager. I’d hate someone to throw that back at me now, or assume it had any bearing on my current views.