Does your actions as a teenager define you as an adult?

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As the title says, my friend when she was 15 made up serious lies/allegations against a teacher as revenge for giving her a detention as she failed to complete a piece of homework correctly.

Friend is now in her 40's.

People change. Although I never lied I was an 'off the wall tennager'. I now work with teens who are 'off the wall'

There’s no definitive answer to this. Some people do awful things as teenagers and feel eaten up by guilt as adults. Some teenagers are vile teenagers and remain equally vile as adults.

I think that 15 is quite old to be making up a potentially life-destroying allegation about someone because of a detention, personally. Generally speaking, I think there’s a big difference between being an absolute tearaway or being rebellious and bratty as a teen, which most grow out of, and what your friend did, which was extremely calculating and vicious. But as I say, there’s no one correct answer here.

I don't know about this. In some cases, you are absolutely correct but I was quite a vindictive, spiteful creature as a teenager (not to the extent OP has described) and I can honestly say I don't even recognise that person anymore. I'm late 30's now

I don’t think having communist leanings as a teenager is really equivalent to attempting to destroy a man’s life, though, is it? A 15-year-old’s desire for the people to own the means of production isn’t going to get an innocent man jailed.

Yes, I feel defined by my experiences as a teen. It's taken decades to feel sorry for my teenage self - I had to cope with so much. I thought I was evil and awful - I know now that I really, really wasn't.

No. And I think it’s daft when people say that with regards to crimes and offending behaviour a child knew what they were doing as so is just evil. We don’t let 15-year-olds smoke, or get married, or have sex, because we don't regard them as fully responsible - we acknowledge that their brains are still developing and their capacity for excellent decision making is incomplete and that they can't be trusted to take full account of the long term implications of their actions. If the teacher had begun a sexual relationship with this 15-year-old, nobody would be saying (I hope) that she was old enough to know what she was doing, or that if meetings weren’t spontaneous but planned ahead this is evidence of calculated and mature decision making.

Has your friend continued to display similar behaviour throughout adulthood? If not, then it’s safe to assume that her behaviour as a child is not representative of her as an adult.

Sorry but being abit of a communist or a stroppy self absorbed pain or minor shoplifting is one thing making malicious allegations that could destroy lives is in a whole different league.

All these celebs/influencers who get caught out by racist/sexist/homophobic crap they wrote on social media when they were young can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned. Youth is no excuse for abhorrent views.

Op If it's you who did this and you're still paying for it, then try and forgive your younger self, make any amends you are able, and put it out there that these things do happen as believing children is vital, but treating them as incapable of making up terrible things is equally damaging. I doubt the teacher concerned actually would really want his vindictive 15yr old pupil still suffering at 40, no matter how much damage was done.

My life was defined by an older teenage siblings accusation. The ripples continue to this day. The damage to me and any future was devastating and life changing. They profited hugely, but remain fragile and neurotic.

What they did to me was horrendous, but them still suffering surrounded by their ill gotten gains actually brings me no pleasure or peace.

Exactly. People like this are who they are. I would steer clear from this 'friend'.

Sorry, OP, but this is a really serious thing to have done. An allegation made against a teacher has the potential to destroy not only their career (which will have been hard-won) but also their family life, friendships and possibly all their relationships. It will impact not just that person but their children too with devastating effect. Obviously if they are guilty, that is one thing - but for a malicious person to make a false allegation is terrible.

I know people grow up and mature, but I do tend to think that the things we do when young and unihibited by social norms/accepted moral standards etc etc do tell us something authentic about the person. I've never trusted bullies, however old they are because it takes great cruelty to inflict misery on someone over a long period of time (not talking about the odd spat or isolated incident). As PPs have said, psychopaths are often identifiable by their childhood cruelty and lack of empathy and compassion.

If your friend admits and owns what she did and feels genuine remorse then of course there's hope for her. If she found it funny then - give her a wide berth.

YABU

It depends on how they act now. If they are completely different and remorseful, then no. If they haven't change, then yes, it has defined them.

I went to a school where this happened, it was a boy that made allegations and later admitted years down the line he made them up, unfortunately the teacher took his own life.

I’ve worked in a secure forensic mental health facility and I can tell you that almost every single service user who has ended up there as an adult has done something horrendous like this in their past, as a teen.

I’m quite astounded that this act is passed off as merely spiteful, or compared to “a girl snogging her mates boyfriend” by some posters and comments saying they’re sure the teacher would now hold no ill will to the friend.

This is an action that may have ruined someone else’s life.

Depends really doesn't it?

I actually think what your friend did was calculated, nasty, vindictive and thoroughly awful but if that was the worst thing she has ever done and there has been nothing similar in the intervening years then maybe she learnt a lesson.

I'd hate to be judged on my teenage actions but I was just a bit dopey / stupid as opposed to actually being nasty.

Well some people would say that thinking communism is a good thing is abhorrent.

And I thought capital punishment for certain crimes was a good thing when I was 13 - I grew out of it as I learnt a bit more about the world. Do you really not think that people can change their views?

I remember arguing with my grandad about fur, I wanted a fur coat like puff daddy when I was 13/14. I would never think that as an adult and find needless animal cruelty and death despicable. Lots of teens say things and think things that aren't right.

Obviously this was very serious and affected other people very badly.
Teenagers often don't have the maturity to see the full implications of their actions. Their brains are still developing.
A lot depends how the person views this now that they have the maturity to face up to the consequences of what they did.
Even though it was a terrible thing to do I find the "leopards never change their spots" answers harsh, unless the person still thinks and acts as if it's no big deal.
If you are speaking about yourself OP please don't let the harsh responses make you feel completely despondent. You need to make amends. It will be difficult.
You need to be completely open and honest about what happened and apologise without any justifications or excuses.
You still have a valuable life to live and the best way of making amends and moving forward is to make the second half of your life one that contributes to the good of others.
If I were the person who had been affected by this the above is what I would want. I wouldn't want the perpetrator's whole life to be ruined by it. I think a lot of people would feel the same.
If the person who did this still feels no guilt or remorse it does indeed define them as an adult.

Sensateria I didn't say 'hold no ill will'. I said I doubted they'd want a vindictive 15yr old pupil still suffering at 40.

My life was ruined by what was done to me and my future ruined before it had begun, but as a mature adult I recognize that even as the ripples continue outwards, that wanting the person who did it to me to continue suffering is futile. They were a calculating messed up child at the time. (little different later in life last I know.)

I didn't make an active choice to be around children, I was just a younger sibling of one.

Nothing that happens to the person who destroyed my life will change any of the substantial damage they did. Absolutely nothing. Them continuing to suffer for decades gives me nothing back.

Consequently I would hope that those who choose careers working around children where sadly it's a known occupational hazard would also recognize that.