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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not rude to tell someone something is annoying? (Parking)

55 replies

TheUnexpectedPickle · 04/07/2022 19:12

Came out today to find a car partially blocking my drive. Tried to squeeze round it but couldn't without damaging next door's car.

I assumed it was a visitor to Other Next Door so I went to ask them to move it. The wife answered and said it was their car- someone had blocked their drive so they had to "shuffle down"

I replied that it wasn't ok, and though I get that its annoying that their drive is blocked, they're just as bad as whoever blocked their drive- in fact its slightly worse as my car was actually on the drive so I was blocked in. She said she was sorry and that her husband had knocked but i said i clearly either wasn't there or didn't hear so that they should have parked further down the road.

She told me there was no need to be rude. I've thought about it since and I really don't think I was- I didn't say anything disrespectful or unkind, I didn't raise my voice or swear- I just didn't say "oh its ok, no worries", which is what I feel was expected of me.

I feel like this happens a lot- is it because women are meant to be accommodating? Or is it actually rude to tell someone they're annoying?

(I accept this is super trivial, but its really irritated me!!)

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 04/07/2022 19:13

Nope YANBU, theres a sense among some people that because THEY have been inconvenienced, its fine to inconvenience someone else and you should just put up with it and be nice about it.

Clymene · 04/07/2022 19:15

There's nothing rude about telling someone they've parked like an arsehole if you were polite about it. Some people interpret criticism as rude.

Meraas · 04/07/2022 19:16

I feel like this happens a lot- is it because women are meant to be accommodating? Or is it actually rude to tell someone they're annoying?

Yep. She wouldn’t have said it to a man. You weren’t rude.

Do you live alone?

KatVonlabonk · 04/07/2022 19:17

Some people do this all the time, attack is the best form of defense etc.

She's a tosser.

Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 04/07/2022 19:21

Meraas · 04/07/2022 19:16

I feel like this happens a lot- is it because women are meant to be accommodating? Or is it actually rude to tell someone they're annoying?

Yep. She wouldn’t have said it to a man. You weren’t rude.

Do you live alone?

Yep, have a partner but he doesn't live here. Ironically when he is here we obsess about where is car is so it's not inconveniencing anyone! It's not the best road for street parking as most houses have a drive.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 05/07/2022 08:18

I think you were being a bit rude when you carried on about it after she apologised.

Sarahcoggles · 05/07/2022 08:40

I agree with you OP.
A van working next door blocked my drive recently. Whilst I didn't need to get out immediately, I knew I would later, so I set about trying to find the owner. Knocked on next door, no answer. Tried ringing the company on the van - no answer.
Eventually the driver came out to get something from the van so I went outside and told him he was out of order parking there, and he should be more considerate. He shrugged and said sorry and moved the van. I carried on lecturing him about selfish parking, he said sorry again and went away. No big deal - I'd said my piece and the van had been moved, but there was no way I'd have let him off with a simple "please move your van, thank you,no harm done". Because he'd pissed me off and caused me some bother, so I was entitled to have a bit of a go at him!

ferneytorro · 05/07/2022 08:59

I’ve found I do this a lot , so someone cocks up or inconvenience
s me and I fall over myself to say it’s ok don’t worry etc. it’s a people pleaser thing I think in my case where I can’t stand the thought of anyone feeling uncomfortable ( apart from me of course). Noticed my husband doesn’t, he just accepts the apology if there is one and doesn’t gush. Used to think he was rude, no he’s just not a people pleaser. So if she’s surrounded by then your factual explanation of you being not happy will have shocked her I expect. And yes more women seem to do it so it’s an expected conclusion ie I am so sorry you’ve inconvenienced me!

Derekscardigan · 05/07/2022 09:01

I just didn't say "oh its ok, no worries", which is what I feel was expected of me

I had exactly this with a neighbour recently, not over parking but something equally annoying and inconsiderate. I think he thought by apologising that made it ok and he was obviously expecting me to agree, which I did not. His face when I pointed out that 'sorry' didn't stop us being inconvenienced and that actually he needed to stop it was a picture!

He has form for asking favours of me that he would never ask of DH and I do get the impression it's because I'm a woman, like I should be at his service or something. He's obviously decided since the aforementioned conversation that I'm one of those uppity, feminist-type women as he no longer speaks to me, only DH! Win win as far as I'm concerned Smile

Hoppinggreen · 05/07/2022 09:02

Accusing someone of being rude for challenging your bad behaviour is a common tactic. If you were calm and polite but firm that’s hardly rude.

MangoBiscuit · 05/07/2022 09:53

YANBU OP. Sounds like you didn't keep on after she'd apologised, but you didn't just accept her reasoning as an acceptable excuse, which is fair, because it wasn't.

I had someone do similar in a supermarket carpark. I parked normally, well within my space on both sides. Next over but one on my drivers side, parked just over the line of the space between us. As I was coming back to my car, someone pulled into the space between, but right over the line and into my space, so there was about 3-4 inches between our cars. No way I could have gotten into my car. I watched her get out, look at her awful parking, shrug, and go to walk into the shop. So I stopped her and asked her to move her car. She huffed and said what was she supposed to do, the other person had also parked badly. I asked her why she thought that meant it was ok to make it my problem. She had no answer, but huffed again, said there was no need to be rude, and finally moved her car, before stropping off into the shop. I wasn't rude, I was politely assertive, I didn't swear or shout, I just refused to accept her making it my problem to deal with.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 05/07/2022 10:34

Dunno, I'm a bit on the fence with this one. I would have knocked and said " Hi, can you move your car please?"

To which, ( hopefully) they would have said " Sure, no problem" and done it.

I mean ultimately they were being pricks by parking there in the first place, but my attitude is always 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar'.

It does seem a bit like you were a bit rude carrying on after she apologised.

MangoBiscuit · 05/07/2022 10:49

Doesn't sound like the OP did carry on after she'd apologised though. The cheeky parker gave an excuse to start with, rather than an apology, the OP said that still didn't make it ok, then she apologised. If the first post has all the info, the only thing the OP said after the apology was in response to the cheeky parker saying her husband tried to knock the door.

Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 06/07/2022 06:57

RedHelenB · 05/07/2022 08:18

I think you were being a bit rude when you carried on about it after she apologised.

I didn't. I responded to her saying her husband had knocked (either he didn't or I didn't hear). Then I went to my car to wait for him to move theirs- I'd made my point and I had somewhere to be.

OP posts:
Icecreamsodaloda · 06/07/2022 07:03

She said she was sorry and that her husband had knocked but i said i clearly either wasn't there or didn't hear so that they should have parked further down the road.

Yeah I would have found this a bit combative, they should have left a note but was it really necessary for you to labour the point after she had apologized? As it was the first time I think could have been a bit more gracious if you want to maintain good relations with her. I'm not buying the woman thing, I would expect it of a man as well, they apologise, they move the car, no need for you to follow up with what you think they should have done unless it happens again.

Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 06/07/2022 07:03

LadyOfTheCanyon · 05/07/2022 10:34

Dunno, I'm a bit on the fence with this one. I would have knocked and said " Hi, can you move your car please?"

To which, ( hopefully) they would have said " Sure, no problem" and done it.

I mean ultimately they were being pricks by parking there in the first place, but my attitude is always 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar'.

It does seem a bit like you were a bit rude carrying on after she apologised.

There was no indication that it was their car, I just got lucky that it was the first door I knocked on.

I initially thought it must be a visitor who didn't realise they were too far over- it was the "oh well someone blocked our drive so we HAD to block yours" attitude that I found annoying.

And why give out honey? I hadn't done anything wrong and she had done something irritating. I just pointed that out to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUnexpectedPickle · 06/07/2022 07:08

Icecreamsodaloda · 06/07/2022 07:03

She said she was sorry and that her husband had knocked but i said i clearly either wasn't there or didn't hear so that they should have parked further down the road.

Yeah I would have found this a bit combative, they should have left a note but was it really necessary for you to labour the point after she had apologized? As it was the first time I think could have been a bit more gracious if you want to maintain good relations with her. I'm not buying the woman thing, I would expect it of a man as well, they apologise, they move the car, no need for you to follow up with what you think they should have done unless it happens again.

But why shouldn't I tell her what she should have done? Why is that considered rude? If her husband got no answer at the door then he clearly didn't get a "yes go ahead but I have to go out at x time" so they shouldn't have parked there. Why should I not point that out?

As I said, I wasn't disrespectful, I didn't raise my voice or use bad language. I just challenged their decision making.

OP posts:
CanaryShoulderedThorn · 06/07/2022 07:17

Was it really so much of an inconvenience to ask her to move. Our NDN has a huge family, they often block our driveway and one of us goes and taps their window to be let out. They apologise and we shout "no problem" It takes a second. They are otherwise lovely and they probably put up with all sorts of inconvenience from my family too, since we have 3 young adults who come and go at all hours.
I really don't see how it's a feminist issue.

Icecreamsodaloda · 06/07/2022 07:20

But why shouldn't I tell her what she should have done?

I imagine she found your tone combative, that's her issue but she still has a right to express herself if she thought you were being rude just as you have a right to say what you did. More importantly why do you care? She apologized, rather than accepting it and saying "next time please leave a note" or "the driveways in constant use so can't be ever blocked" you instead told what she should have done after she had done it, probably making her feel attacked after she had already said sorry, what was done was done, what did you want from her?

You told her what you thought of the situation and she told you what she thought, you can't complain about her not reacting as you would have likes, she didn't tell you to bugger off and they would park where the hell they liked, she just told you she found your tone rude which was her warning you that she felt uncomfortable.

Mennex · 06/07/2022 07:24

I think this is Classic DARVO. They accise you of being rude, when you're just being assertive (like a man would be) because they're embarrassed at being caught out being a dick. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

justfiveminutes · 06/07/2022 07:30

I think my response depends on his often this neighbour has done something annoying to you.

If regularly, YANBU.

If a first offence, YABU to continue complaining after she had explained why, told you they had knocked, told you it was her husband not her, and apologised.

There are lots of people who would have told you to fuck off. She took it on the chin, accepted that they shouldn't have done it, and just said you were rude when you kept going.

I would have said it's ok tbh. Not because I'm a people pleasing doormat who has been conditioned to accept crap from people, but because she'd explained, apologised and was about to move it. So it was ok.

AmaryIlis · 06/07/2022 07:34

Parking to block your drive was rude. Once they had done that, they were in no position to tell anyone else off for supposedly being rude.

Zerochucks · 06/07/2022 07:36

You weren’t rude, they were rude to block you in, if they hadn’t, you wouldn’t have been at their door. The response was their way of being defensive IMO no other come back as their actions caused the conversation to have to happen.

AmaryIlis · 06/07/2022 07:41

Sarahcoggles · 05/07/2022 08:40

I agree with you OP.
A van working next door blocked my drive recently. Whilst I didn't need to get out immediately, I knew I would later, so I set about trying to find the owner. Knocked on next door, no answer. Tried ringing the company on the van - no answer.
Eventually the driver came out to get something from the van so I went outside and told him he was out of order parking there, and he should be more considerate. He shrugged and said sorry and moved the van. I carried on lecturing him about selfish parking, he said sorry again and went away. No big deal - I'd said my piece and the van had been moved, but there was no way I'd have let him off with a simple "please move your van, thank you,no harm done". Because he'd pissed me off and caused me some bother, so I was entitled to have a bit of a go at him!

Must admit if that had been me I'd have probably said "I've said sorry, I've moved, what more do you want?" There's a difference between this and OP's scenario where the neighbour seemed to think it was OK because her husband had knocked - you were just having a go for the sake of it. You were quite lucky that he reacted as he did, some people would get bloody-minded in that situation and leave the vehicle where it was.

itsgettingweird · 06/07/2022 07:42

You're right about people thinking you're being rude because you're standing up for your rights.

And I'm very hot on parking.

However it sounds like you generally have a good relationship with your neighbours? Is this worth falling out over just to be right?

I think when reading your post it's wasn't what you said that was rude but rather the way you said. Maybe she was trying to explain rather than make excuses - she said they knocked so clearly they knew they were inconveniencing you and didn't want to do so deliberately?

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