to feel that I am the aggrieved party here?

[Vacua]

have had the most ridiculous falling out with a friend, over a lit cigarette in my car. Please feel free to tell me to pull myself together.

She threw it out of the window but the wind blew it back in, it happened once before and burned my daughter's homework which I'd left on the back seat to take in to school. This time it narrowly missed the dog and burned the leather upholstery - am just on verge of trading car in for a new one. It needs to be reupholstered.

Now, all morals about allowing people to smoke in my car aside (no need to panic, no children in there), am I entitled to feel upset about this? Only I couldn't hide my displeasure and she got very upset with me: 'I am such a good friend to you, cannot believe you are making a fuss about this, I do everything I can for you' and so on and so on. So I squashed my cross feelings away for a day or two.

Then she called in a panic about having spilled some advocaat on someone's cushion cover, really worried about how to remove the stain. I thought, why the discrepancy between attitude to one friend's property and mine? It's much more expensive to reupholster a leather car seat than to replace a cushion cover from Ikea. I pointed this out and have had series of texts similar to above comments about 'why are you being so horrible to me about this? I am so hurt and upset' etc.

I just don't want to talk to her at all at the moment. Am I being ridiculously unreasonable?

Errr, no. I'd be livid TBH.

No she is being insanely stupid.

Ditch her, Vac. Temporarily at least.

But why did you let her smoke in your car?????

YANBU who needs friends like that - tell her to take a run and jump.

does she know how dangerous it was? does she actually realise it came back in??

I didn't realise until we'd parked - she'd had about 3 puffs and the entire thing had burned away on back seat - leather burned obviously and misshapen around the burn. Any advice on how to respond to the texts? so far current approach is to ignore them.

Yeah respond by telling her you know longer wish to be her friend.

Surely a cushion is much more easily replaced? I scratched DP's car handle with the heel of my boot and it took £250 off the sale price because of it!!

Yes that sounds appropriate. Ignore, there's no point.

Erm, VS, how did you manage that???

Maybe she's being unreasonable because she feels guilty. She should be feeling bloody guilty, the daft mare. Once is bad enough but twice?!

was just to ask the same thing FA!

Hmmm.

It was an accident, though - she didn't know it was burning away, did she? or that it had blown back in? Honestly, since it happened once before, you could have asked her not to smoke in your car - because what do smokers do? Throw it out the window (grrrrr for many reasons).

Yes, upset about the damage to your car seat, but not sure it should all be directed at her iyswim.

But sjhe is responding in a childish and uncaring way, so on that bit she IBU

yes exactly, sale price - am really not the type to get uptight about money but it takes a big chunk out of value. she has offered to deposit £250 into my account but a) she won't because she hasn't got any money and b) she knows I'm pathetic and will say no and c) that is not even the point anymore, it's all this manipulative emotional stuff that is annoying me

glad that am not being as ridiculous as I feared

Has she offered to pay for it to be fixed at all??

Because I think she should.

yanbu

Ask her if she has any concept of danger - a lit cigarette near a tank full of fuel! Not to mention the dog. And the homework, did your DD get into trouble?

I do not belong on this thread

it has leather car upholstery and advocaat on it

x-posted

but I think you should take the money - its kind of you to think she hasn't got the money (you sound like a nice, kind person) but people need to face up to their responsibilities.

If I was her I would pay for the re upholstery.

If you refuse to take the money then yes you can whinge (obviously) but she will have done all she can by offering.

FA, it wasn;t what you think!!! I had heeled boots on and was kneeling on the seat in the front to lean over to the backseat to do DD's seat belt up, honest

No Vacua, you aren't being unreasonable, ok so it was an accident but A)she should've taken more care and B)she should've been more respectful of it being your property rather than trying to emotionally blackmail you into not feeling angry.

the inner car handle btw.

in the dim and distant past when I was a smoker, I used to be insanely careful about cigarettes and cars

you have to be super-careful chucking them out the window

she wasn't careful enough

no yanbu. She should have made sure that the cigarette did not blow back in. It's not hard.

Now she is being manipulative (she is so upset, sounds a bit me, me, meeeee). She must have known that you are trading your car in soon.

Would ignore her and leave her to stew.

Oh, take the money Vacua! as long as she pays it...

the money isn't there to take, it was an empty offer, she has no money of her own, is supported by her parents (yes at nearly 30) who would flip if they found out she smoked - thanks all, seems on balance am not entirely unreasonable

again is not so much the actual damage but the disregard followed by emotional blackmail followed by intense anxiety about a bloody cushion cover followed by more emotional blackmail!

I will return. In my car.

What about the homeowrk? Was it ruined?