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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you want to be told a child did not want to know your children?

49 replies

everythingssogrey · 04/07/2022 10:19

My child plays with two children who live near.
I am very good friends with the mum.
The children were playing together and we were doing mutual childcare, which was great.
But my child (age 7) no longer wants to be around the two children because they are mean to her. They will hit and be cruel and the mother doesn't really remedy it.

If it were my child I would make it clear in no uncertain terms the behaviour was not acceptable, but these children get told no then literally nothing else happens, they just ignore that and carry on.

It's emerged over time and got worse and my child doesn't want to know them.

How best to tell mum? Obviously she will be offended! Is there a best way to let her know my child will not be playing with her children? Or should I just let the children know? We will be spending time in one another's company, but I won't be putting my child around them specifically for play again, just the children will be present when me and mum are together, sometimes, but she won't be expected to interact - think seeing one another in the street or at the same venue by chance.

Any advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
Flamingoose · 04/07/2022 10:26

I wouldn't do a big announcement. I'd just invent some reason why my child couldn't play for a bit.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 04/07/2022 10:28

Just suggests adult only meet ups. Of she queries or just say your dc doesn't feel comfortable around hers as the are a bit overwhelming for her.

bridgetreilly · 04/07/2022 10:29

I wouldn’t mention your daughter. I would say, ‘By the way, I’m not really okay with the way X and Y behave around my DD. They seem to think it’s fine to hit her and say mean things. It doesn’t feel like a joke and even if it were, it’s not kind.’

Prinnny · 04/07/2022 10:30

Surely you just say next time she asks for a play date that unfortunately DD is unhappy to spend time with her kids due to the repeated incidents of bullying?!

If she’s aware of the issues between the kids and done nothing about it then it won’t come as that much of a surprise?

Original poster
everythingssogrey · 04/07/2022 10:33

Flamingoose · 04/07/2022 10:26

I wouldn't do a big announcement. I'd just invent some reason why my child couldn't play for a bit.

Thanks. It is going to end up being like this though because the children will specifically ask to play with her and she will be saying no I don't want to. I guess I'll just not say anything. I love my friend. It's hard.

OP posts:
Northe · 04/07/2022 11:11

We are friends with a lovely family and each have a 7 year old and more kids. The boys often don't get on super well. We still bring him along with us and they go to each others birthday parties etc. My son knows that he needs to find ways to get along with people and so he can always sit with the adults or play with one of the other siblings or alone if he isn't enjoying their company. Recently since its summer and we are outdoors much more they get along better. Maybe just hold the playdates at your house for a while so you can supervise or also invite another friend along to dissipate any nastiness.

ZaraSizeMedium · 04/07/2022 11:16

If your DD is confident in saying to these children “no I don’t want to play with you” and then taking herself away from them, I’d leave it at that.

If the mum says anything to you, then you tell her that her children keep hitting and being nasty to your DD (and from your OP it sounds like the mum is fully aware of this) and you have told DD she doesn’t have to accept it or be around anyone that treats her like that.

minipie · 04/07/2022 11:16

I would say something like DD isn’t really enjoying the playtimes these days, or DD isn’t really up for these playdates at the moment, happy to meet us two though! Truthful but incomplete. Then let her work out why.

If she’s a decent parent she will realise her kids’ behaviour is probably the issue and may ask you for more details. If she’s head in the sand she’ll shrug it off.

lljkk · 04/07/2022 11:19

Most people would invent reasons to avoid the other child, or come up with some great fib like "Mine is a bit sensitive and needs to dial down her social life"

IncompleteSenten · 04/07/2022 11:23

You may love your friend but I'm sure you love your child more and if push comes to shove and the price you have to pay for protecting your child is the loss of the friendship then it's a price you can accept paying I'm sure.

Start as gentle as possible but prepare yourself for possibly having to say I can't just let my daughter be bullied. It's not fair to her.

Original poster
everythingssogrey · 04/07/2022 11:25

lljkk · 04/07/2022 11:19

Most people would invent reasons to avoid the other child, or come up with some great fib like "Mine is a bit sensitive and needs to dial down her social life"

Would be transparent. She does know it's an issue but I still don't want to offend but also value honesty and will be saying the truth, just wondered if there was a tactful way but I will probably just say it because it's the truth. It does annoy me that the child can do something unacceptable and just get told no but half asedly and then they are just allowed to go back to playing with no consequence.

My child would not behave this way, and if they did they would be spoken to about it and explained why it's wrong and promised never to do it again. But they already know that's wrong and wouldn't do it in the first place. They are the same age.

OP posts:
DasGirl · 04/07/2022 11:26

I wouldn't make a big announcement but would meet up just as adults at the moment.

If she suggests bringing the kids just say no you won't be bringing your DD as she's struggling a bit with how the other children are towards her and so would prefer to stay home

TeenDivided · 04/07/2022 11:28

My child isn't really enjoying playing with yours at the moment.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/07/2022 11:39

I'd just say you've noticed the children don't really get on (if pushed, add your daughter doesn't want to play with them). As you say, she knows what the issue is, she's choosing to pretend it's not an issue.

If she really pushes it, tell her straight - your children bully mine.

lljkk · 04/07/2022 11:41

the mother doesn't really remedy it
[my child] already knows that's wrong and wouldn't do it in the first place.

I'm a mug to come back to this, but anyway, since it is true I was often told my child was being a horror so I am unusually qualified to answer (since all other MNers all have instant remote control on their kids' behaviour so never have experienced repeat social behaviour issue unless there's SN in picture ... am pretty sure that not a single other MNer is qualified to answer OP's question). Just like OP merely has to tell her child what's right or wrong and the child then "knows" and won't do it. My DC weren't issued with remote control chips. Some kind of birth defect, I guess.

People called my child horrible after they let their own child run over my child's toys, or who called my kids names for a long period first before mine blew up, or sharply told my kids they were doing things wrong, said "You're not my friend, you can't play with us!", & basically did their own belligerent behaviour, sometimes in a group. Because kids enjoy provoking the volatile or indeed ganging up which maybe problem OP's child encountered. In our case this was followed by lots of gossip between parents at school & my other child (who never offended anyone) being socially shunned too... Gotta love small town gossips, I know way too much about their lives too, and that's just what their kids told my kids about their home lives. Anyway, there is no way OP can tell her friend nicely, since OP already decided friend is useless at discipline & OP's child never did anything annoying.

RandomMess · 04/07/2022 11:43

The DC need a break from each other as they aren't getting along well at the moment are they.

justmaybenot · 04/07/2022 11:59

If she's a very close friend, is there any way you could have a (tactful and supportive) word with her about her childrens' behaviour? If it was me I would prefer to know. It could be as simple as saying that unfortunately your DD is finding the dynamic between the three of them to be a bit difficult and you'd be grateful if she could have a word with her dcs. You could mention that as the situation is 2:1 she can feel a bit isolated or something... But - be prepared to maybe not see as much of your friend as being able to hang out with your children as well is so handy.

b0wser · 04/07/2022 12:06

I wouldn't go out of your way to tell her or announce it as such.

Next time she asks to meet up with the kids just say your daughter has said she is finding it hard in their company. They seem to be being unkind recently and not playing well together.
Say it might be best to just go for a coffee or wine or whatever on your own without the kids unless she can try to figure out what the problem is and rectify it.

b0wser · 04/07/2022 12:08

lljkk · 04/07/2022 11:41

the mother doesn't really remedy it
[my child] already knows that's wrong and wouldn't do it in the first place.

I'm a mug to come back to this, but anyway, since it is true I was often told my child was being a horror so I am unusually qualified to answer (since all other MNers all have instant remote control on their kids' behaviour so never have experienced repeat social behaviour issue unless there's SN in picture ... am pretty sure that not a single other MNer is qualified to answer OP's question). Just like OP merely has to tell her child what's right or wrong and the child then "knows" and won't do it. My DC weren't issued with remote control chips. Some kind of birth defect, I guess.

People called my child horrible after they let their own child run over my child's toys, or who called my kids names for a long period first before mine blew up, or sharply told my kids they were doing things wrong, said "You're not my friend, you can't play with us!", & basically did their own belligerent behaviour, sometimes in a group. Because kids enjoy provoking the volatile or indeed ganging up which maybe problem OP's child encountered. In our case this was followed by lots of gossip between parents at school & my other child (who never offended anyone) being socially shunned too... Gotta love small town gossips, I know way too much about their lives too, and that's just what their kids told my kids about their home lives. Anyway, there is no way OP can tell her friend nicely, since OP already decided friend is useless at discipline & OP's child never did anything annoying.

If the parent is witnessing her child physically harming another child and not acting appropriately, then yes she is useless at discipline.

notanothertakeaway · 04/07/2022 12:16

Don't criticise your friend's children. It won't end up well. I'm surprised so many people are suggesting you do that

Just say that after school holidays, you're thinking of after school club, to help your child get to know more children, or some similar excuse

C152 · 04/07/2022 12:39

I don't think i would say anything unless the other mum tried to arrange a playdate / for you to look after her kids. If that did occur, I would just be brutally honest, "no, I'm afraid that no longer works for us because your kids keep hitting my child." Don't feel the need to fill the silence after that, or particpate in any sort of argument if she gets defensive. She - and he children - need to learn consequences.

CrispieCake · 04/07/2022 12:44

Just do adult-only meet-ups and leave your DD at home. It's your friendship, not hers.

chiffchaffchiff · 04/07/2022 13:18

RandomMess · 04/07/2022 11:43

The DC need a break from each other as they aren't getting along well at the moment are they.

This is about as much detail as I'd go into. I wouldn't do it as an announcement but keep it stashed for the next time she invites DD.

Loveisnotloving · 04/07/2022 13:21

lljkk · 04/07/2022 11:41

the mother doesn't really remedy it
[my child] already knows that's wrong and wouldn't do it in the first place.

I'm a mug to come back to this, but anyway, since it is true I was often told my child was being a horror so I am unusually qualified to answer (since all other MNers all have instant remote control on their kids' behaviour so never have experienced repeat social behaviour issue unless there's SN in picture ... am pretty sure that not a single other MNer is qualified to answer OP's question). Just like OP merely has to tell her child what's right or wrong and the child then "knows" and won't do it. My DC weren't issued with remote control chips. Some kind of birth defect, I guess.

People called my child horrible after they let their own child run over my child's toys, or who called my kids names for a long period first before mine blew up, or sharply told my kids they were doing things wrong, said "You're not my friend, you can't play with us!", & basically did their own belligerent behaviour, sometimes in a group. Because kids enjoy provoking the volatile or indeed ganging up which maybe problem OP's child encountered. In our case this was followed by lots of gossip between parents at school & my other child (who never offended anyone) being socially shunned too... Gotta love small town gossips, I know way too much about their lives too, and that's just what their kids told my kids about their home lives. Anyway, there is no way OP can tell her friend nicely, since OP already decided friend is useless at discipline & OP's child never did anything annoying.

If MANY people are telling you your child is a horror....they are a horror.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2022 13:26

I can't understand how you can be friends with someone who allows their children to bully and abuse your daughter. If that's not a friendship deal breaker, I don't know what is.