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Original poster

Mum guilt discussion

38 replies

Cally20 · 04/07/2022 09:33

I'm sitting here as my child is growing up right before my eyes and I'm reminiscing about his early days. I am feeling down as flashbacks of my mistakes come flooding back. I could have very easily done some things completely different such as not stand in the way of precious moments between my son and his father :(

I can't turn back the clocks but I wish I could. My son is only 9 so moving forward I am trying to make up for that and never let it happen again but of course I can't go back and change it (I wish I could).

I feel awful with mum guilt. Am I the only one? Does anyone want to share their mum guilt stories? (If they have any).

OP posts:
HerTableLaid · 04/07/2022 09:35

No, I don’t. I’m a ‘good enough’ mother, and I’m doing a better job than my own mother did on her children.

ReeseWitherfork · 04/07/2022 09:36

Guilt all the time about everything. Feeding too many chicken nuggets, snapping, not enforcing tidying up from a young age…

But guilt is a useless emotion. The best thing you can do is learn from the scenarios that have caused guilt (which it sounds like you’re doing).

Do you want to talk a bit more about what’s made you feel guilty? Does your son have a good relationship with his dad?

Mally100 · 04/07/2022 09:38

It depends, what did you do to stand in the way between them.

lolil · 04/07/2022 09:39

Does anyone want to share their mum guilt stories?

Do you want to share yours?

SavoirFlair · 04/07/2022 09:40

If it's not too painful, could I ask if you would be happy to share more about this:

"I could have very easily done some things completely different such as not stand in the way of precious moments between my son and his father :( "

I feel this unexplained part is key - there's some guilt you're carrying which needs breaking down somewhat into smaller parts.

Otherwise, what you're doing is, you're asking for people to post random tales of their mum failings, to essentially make you feel better. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't solve the bit in bold above!

catpoppet · 04/07/2022 09:40

i feel guilt every day. guilt for working on my computer when he wants me, guilt because he's a fussy eater, guilt for not waking before him each day, guilt for forgetting to remind him to brush his teeth now and then, guilt for not being healthier in myself etc etc. It's shit! It's also partly because I can sense other people's judgement, people are so quick to judge! I'm a LP doing my very best, I wish I had the solutions!

I guess when you feel like this, the best thing to do is look at your child and how they have turned out. Are they happy, healthy, clever, sweet? Likely yes, your proof of your good job is in the pudding!!

feathermucker · 04/07/2022 09:41

What did you do to stand in the way of your son's relationship with his father?

The rest is inconsequential as we all doubt ourselves sometimes.

Prinnny · 04/07/2022 09:42

Hindsight is wonderful thing but we can’t change the past so why torture yourself? Live in the present not the past.

Original poster
Cally20 · 04/07/2022 09:48

My mum guilt is over moments such as not holding off birthday parties til his dad gets home therefore there has been a few his has missed (worked based away from home). Not encouraging more father and son moments when I has plenty of opportunity to :( and I know my son wanted. I feel so sad for my son and so guilty that I can't get that time back. His father is away even more now so it is going to be difficult to make it right and it is kinda eating at me this morning.
Everything has come back and hit me hard, the realisation that I can't change this is difficult to deal with.

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 04/07/2022 09:52

No. I'm not perfect but I'm a good mum. I'll have made mistakes along the way but I made them in good faith.

Original poster
Cally20 · 04/07/2022 09:54

Are they happy, healthy, clever, sweet? Likely yes, your proof of your good job is in the pudding

Thank you for this. Yes he is. I guess I'm feeling that he would have been more so if I would have made better decisions at times.

Going forward I am going to go the extra mile in other ways to try and make up for it.

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 04/07/2022 10:02

Going forward I am going to go the extra mile in other ways to try and make up for it

What does that mean? What's the plan?

HerTableLaid · 04/07/2022 10:04

Cally20 · 04/07/2022 09:48

My mum guilt is over moments such as not holding off birthday parties til his dad gets home therefore there has been a few his has missed (worked based away from home). Not encouraging more father and son moments when I has plenty of opportunity to :( and I know my son wanted. I feel so sad for my son and so guilty that I can't get that time back. His father is away even more now so it is going to be difficult to make it right and it is kinda eating at me this morning.
Everything has come back and hit me hard, the realisation that I can't change this is difficult to deal with.

But why is this any of your responsibility? Your son’s father has free will, and chooses to work away and when or whether to engage in ‘father/son’ moments — that’s not within your remit.

Original poster
Cally20 · 04/07/2022 10:07

What does that mean? What's the plan

To always make him as happy as possible. He is missing his dad :( I can see he needs his dad and now I am regretting all the opportunities I have missed for him and his dad. I feel so sad. My stupid mistakes.

OP posts:
HerTableLaid · 04/07/2022 10:09

Cally20 · 04/07/2022 10:07

What does that mean? What's the plan

To always make him as happy as possible. He is missing his dad :( I can see he needs his dad and now I am regretting all the opportunities I have missed for him and his dad. I feel so sad. My stupid mistakes.

That sounds like a really bad idea. You spoiling a nine year old because of his father’s poor choices isn’t going to work well.

Original poster
Cally20 · 04/07/2022 10:11

But why is this any of your responsibility? Your son’s father has free will, and chooses to work away and when or whether to engage in ‘father/son’ moments — that’s not within your remit

But at times I advised him on taking time off while our son is off school rather than school term but then that means he has missed some parties. So my decisions such as that. I don't know what I was thinking.

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 04/07/2022 10:11

So, you are going to make him so happy that he forgets that his dad isn't around, never gets to his parties on time and has never taken the initiative to spend quality and memorable time with him? Sounds like a tough ask.

MyCatIsInCharge · 04/07/2022 10:12

But why is it up to you to facilitate these moments with his father? I mean, unless you’re literally standing between then refusing to let his dad take him to the park or something?! It sounds as though there’s a bit more going on here. Like, maybe you’re trying to compensate for his dad’s choices?

Does his father feel guilty for working away? Is this a necessity or a choice?

Original poster
Cally20 · 04/07/2022 10:13

*That sounds like a really bad idea. You spoiling a nine year old because of his father’s poor choices isn’t going to work well.

No not spoiling him. Just always looking out for his wellbeing. Always putting his wellbeing first which I always thought I had but looking back, in these instances I have not.

OP posts:
HerTableLaid · 04/07/2022 10:16

OP, there’s something very peculiar in your thinking about this. Are you self-flagellating — entirely pointlessly — because you can’t cope with the idea of your partner/spouse being an inadequate father because of his own decisions and choices?

FourTeaFallOut · 04/07/2022 10:16

This isn't your guilt. This is your husband's guilt. He has a responsibility to build a good and loving relationship with his son - not just be around while you curate one for him.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 04/07/2022 10:18

You are taking an awful lot of responsibility for the actions of your DH.Talk to him and see if between you, you can come up with a plan for him to work less. It's your DH who is missing out.
We were in this exact situation. DH had the opportunity to work away frequently and earn a lot more, but he chose to stay local on a lower salary and not be separated from the dch. Admittedly, he doesn't like travelling! He is very close to DS and told me recently that he's never regretted that decision. But it might not be right for your family.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 04/07/2022 10:19

*work away less

Original poster
Cally20 · 04/07/2022 10:21

I guess I'm feeling guilty that my son's dad is not around much and I feel my son is missing out and therefore regretting not making the most of the past moments.

It has helped just by writing it down and getting it off my chest. I don't know what I can do for my son and it kills me some days. His dad being here full time is not an option and now he is going to see him even less :(

OP posts:
Sickoffamilydrama · 04/07/2022 10:22

HerTableLaid · 04/07/2022 10:09

That sounds like a really bad idea. You spoiling a nine year old because of his father’s poor choices isn’t going to work well.

Show quote history

I agree with this and will add that whilst I want my children to be happy I can't always do that sometimes things in life do make you unhappy and it does them a disservice for them not to learn to manage these feelings and times, whilst they have a supportive adult around them.

Why is it your job alone to manage the father son relationship?
If I book a work trip or event I'm very aware of when my children's birthdays are and would find a way not to do it then. I will often drive 3/4 hours to a location and 3/4 hours back in one day to make sure I'm around for my children so why isn't his father doing the same?