Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum guilt discussion

38 replies

Cally20 · 04/07/2022 09:33

I'm sitting here as my child is growing up right before my eyes and I'm reminiscing about his early days. I am feeling down as flashbacks of my mistakes come flooding back. I could have very easily done some things completely different such as not stand in the way of precious moments between my son and his father :(

I can't turn back the clocks but I wish I could. My son is only 9 so moving forward I am trying to make up for that and never let it happen again but of course I can't go back and change it (I wish I could).

I feel awful with mum guilt. Am I the only one? Does anyone want to share their mum guilt stories? (If they have any).

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 04/07/2022 10:24

No guilt here. Our kids are bloody lucky. Bet yours are too.

Sittingonabench · 04/07/2022 10:26

Parents make the best decisions they can at the time (generally) - yes some of them with hindsight you may make differently but generally these are tough calls and the impact isn’t as big as you think. It does sound like you feel your son needs more of his fathers time and energy right now so I would have that conversation with your DP.

MsTSwift · 04/07/2022 10:28

It’s not the parents job to ensure your child lives a perfect happy life. Your thinking is off. You Won’t do him any favours fluttering around treating him like a little prince. You could end up with a hideous teen.

Cally20 · 04/07/2022 10:29

He is lucky and he does have a nice life, I'm always available pick up, drop off, school trips etc etc and we nice holidays. Live in a nice house in a nice area. But I just feel he is missing out on a father. May be I feel worse that he does. I may just be projecting.

I suppose it is easy to focus on the bad and not the good and focus on your mistakes and not the things you did right.

OP posts:
SavoirFlair · 04/07/2022 10:33

I suppose it is easy to focus on the bad and not the good and focus on your mistakes and not the things you did right.

/endthread* *

**

heyitsthistle · 04/07/2022 10:36

My dad was always at/away for work when I was a kid. He missed birthdays, family events, summer holidays, the lot. Has it affected our relationship? Not at all. I love my dad.

Your kid seems happy enough. Shake off this pointless guilt. It shouldn't fall on your shoulders.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/07/2022 10:42

Dad guilt here.

We went to Disney World back in 2016. Spent a day in typhoon lagoon. Huge wave pool. 8 year old DD loved it. At one point we're cutting across the edge of it and she goes running ahead. Gets knocked off her feet by a wave and dragged by it to the edge of the pool, her back scraping along the rough ground. Back is covered in deep grazes and she spends the next 3 days in pain, and won't go in a pool for the rest of the holiday. She's 14 now and still has the scars on her back.

I'd read before we went, don't let go of your kids hands near the edge of the wave pool and completely ignored it. Still get massive guilt now whenever I think back to that holiday.

I also feel guilt about parts of my personality that have rubbed off on her. I'm a huge introvert, and unfamiliar social situations leave me feeling scared and deeply uncomfortable. I've learnt to mask it well as I've got older and most people wouldn't be able to tell that I'm shitting myself the entire time I'm talking to them.

But she's exactly the same as me, and she's learning to hide it just like I did. In some ways its great that she knows she can come to me and talk to me when she's struggling, and that I can offer tips and advice to her that my hugely extrovert parents just didn't have the life experience to be able to offer me.

But at the same time I hate that this part of myself has somehow become a part of her too, whether through genetics or learned behaviour.

ZenNudist · 04/07/2022 10:49

What a strange thread. Your dh is absent a lot and you feel guilty? That's some internalised misogyny if ever I heard it.

Mum guilt is made up. Some people who are mothers feel guilty. A lot of mothers feel they aren't doing a good enough job as a parent in a way that a lot of father's don't really care. You can only do your best. I don't think #precious moments is a good thing to focus on. Worry about: health, intellectual and physical and emotional development... and having fun.

ZenNudist · 04/07/2022 10:53

@fdgdfgdfgdfg proves my point that it can be dad guilt too. But I think you were unlucky. I've just taken a small clumsy 8yo boy to typhoon lagoon and I didn't hold his hand by the pool and he didn't trip or hurt himself. Accidents can happen and you can't punish yourself over them.

ReeseWitherfork · 04/07/2022 11:00

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/07/2022 10:42

Dad guilt here.

We went to Disney World back in 2016. Spent a day in typhoon lagoon. Huge wave pool. 8 year old DD loved it. At one point we're cutting across the edge of it and she goes running ahead. Gets knocked off her feet by a wave and dragged by it to the edge of the pool, her back scraping along the rough ground. Back is covered in deep grazes and she spends the next 3 days in pain, and won't go in a pool for the rest of the holiday. She's 14 now and still has the scars on her back.

I'd read before we went, don't let go of your kids hands near the edge of the wave pool and completely ignored it. Still get massive guilt now whenever I think back to that holiday.

I also feel guilt about parts of my personality that have rubbed off on her. I'm a huge introvert, and unfamiliar social situations leave me feeling scared and deeply uncomfortable. I've learnt to mask it well as I've got older and most people wouldn't be able to tell that I'm shitting myself the entire time I'm talking to them.

But she's exactly the same as me, and she's learning to hide it just like I did. In some ways its great that she knows she can come to me and talk to me when she's struggling, and that I can offer tips and advice to her that my hugely extrovert parents just didn't have the life experience to be able to offer me.

But at the same time I hate that this part of myself has somehow become a part of her too, whether through genetics or learned behaviour.

It makes me so sad that you can feel guilty about something that happened at typhoon lagoon. You took your daughter to a water park. And not just a water park… one at Disney world! You had the money and the means to take your daughter to “the happiest place on earth” and you did. You’re a great dad! Do you know how many blokes out there wouldn’t spend that kind of time and money with their kids even if they could? And even some of the ones who do take their kids on fantastic holidays won’t be actively engaged with them. Sound like a pretty damn good dad to me!

Also, being an introvert is not a bad thing. Lots of introverts play along in certain social situations. And I say that as a fellow introvert. The best thing you can do for your daughter is learn to love yourself a bit better; and she’ll learn the same.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 04/07/2022 11:09

I think you are overthinking what were originally well-reasoned decisions. What about dad-guilt? Dad isnt just a blob for you to direct, if dad wanted to do things differently he could have stood up and questioned your decisions.

You wanted examples of mum-guilt. I will give you my gran's example. Gran's only dd (my mum) was born just before WW2 so no siblings as originally hoped for and planned. Dad was killed in the war along with his brother, and their mum had a nervous breakdown and refused to see my gran or mum ever again.

Meanwhile my gran was broke. There wasnt enough to eat. My mum had awful food intolerances which Gran never noticed (a sickly, bereaved child who complained a lot was told to buck up, and not helped or comforted). My mum worked in gran's shop after school from a young age, and got little attention. Gran remarried and had a son. As her dd grew up she became a talented artist and won a scholarship to a fine art college which she secretly applied to. But she had already been was forced to leave school at 14 to earn her own living, and my gran refused to support her - took all her earnings and made her wash her hair in washing up liquid etc to save money. So mums college plan was scorched. A few years later, gran and mum's stepdad found the money to put their son through university for 3 years at which point mum married, and left home.

She forgave my gran for her childhood. Theystill loved each other very much. In her later years, my gran depended on my mum's care for about 2 decades while she was in poor health and housebound. This was also a time of many trials.

My gran didnt overtly suffer any mum guilt, despite making many poor decisions and preventing my mum living the happiest possible version of her life.

Sometimes what happens, happens. You move forward being the best person you can be from that moment on, learn the lessons and show your child how to learn from mistakes and take yourself forward positively. We are all only human.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/07/2022 11:38

@ReeseWitherfork Don't worry, I'm not all-consumed with guilt or anything. I meant to chuck a bit at the end of the post about how everyone feels guilty about some way in which they've screwed up with their kids, and was just providing examples of the specific ways I've done so. But apparently I was too wracked with guilt to remember to include the point of the post 😉

My Dad is currently trying to make up for 40ish years of being utterly uninterested in both his sons, and is making things worse in the process.

In reading through my mums journals after she died, I found out that she actually felt guilty that she was leaving us, that she wouldn't be around to see her grandkids grow up etc. She was dying, a process she had no control over, and she actually felt like she was abandoning us.

I think every parent has guilt over something, whether warranted or not.

(And my daughter is well aware that the money and the means to go to Disney World came from Grandma, so I don't get any Dad-cred for that one unfortunately)

theviewfrommywindow · 04/07/2022 16:56

This thread confuses me - why is it your responsibility to feel bad that your son's father is not around? Why isn't he around? If it's work, can he not get a job that means he is home more? If he is in the forces, that won't be forever, surely? I can't image that his father is feeling this guilt as badly as you are.

If it helps though, my father worked away during the week and he was the best Dad, I never felt that he was absent from my life.

I'm not sure it's your place to be feeling guilty about someone else's choices. how does his father feel about it?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page