To have ended a situationship I was really enjoying?

[situationship]

Met a man online. Started dating but ended up agreeing to just be friends after about 7 dates.

After building a really lovely friendship over the course of a few more weeks, we started being intimate again.

The sex itself wasn't an issue for me, but then we started doing overnights, lots of hugs and kisses, spending all our free time together, but still referring to ourselves at just friends.

As soon as I saw it going in that direction, I spoke up (after saw each other 4 times in a week and were basically acting like a couple).

I said that if he really did want to just be friends and there was no prospect for a relationship in his view, I wanted to put a stop to it because my feelings were getting involved. We didn't reach a conclusion when I raised it but his answer was vaguely that he didn't want anything like that at this point.

I'm now laying awake regretting ending it. It was such a happy time that I'd spent with him and potentially, if I'd just kept quiet, we could've seen where it went.

However, we're both 42 and I don't really feel like I want to waste my time and get my feelings hurt.

I'm not looking to jump into a relationship with him now, I'm not ready to be his girlfriend, but I did want to be clear that if I was not even a potential partner in his eyes, I didn't want to keep investing.

Wondering now if I have just sabotaged something potentially great, or if I've done myself a favour.

I think you did absolutely the right thing. You had a lovely time together and if on reflection he decides that IS what he is looking for, or he IS ready for a relationship, then he will let you know.

If you had carried on, I don't think it would have changed his view of things. You would have carried on getting involved, he would have carried on seeing it as a FWB situation, and in 6 mths time or whenever he would still correct you that it was not a relationship.

Be strong, and be happy that you had a nice time with someone.

Thank you! I so appreciate this response.

Never regret valuing yourself. He doesn't sound like he was in the same book, let alone on the same page as you and you've saved yourself a whole lot of heartbreak/wasted time

Yes. I read so many awful situations here and have gotten into many myself. Dating is getting to know each other. He couldn’t see it for what it was and wanted ALL the good stuff without giving you even a minimum of respect. I think you were very wise.

You have done the right thing. He had his chance to say something to save the situation, but he didn't. Also, your situation had him very conveniently in a place where he could sleep around, or drop you, gulit free. Well done you. Congratulate yourself, roll over, and get some kip!

Thanks all. It's very hard not to get into the mindset of thinking I should've been less of a control-freak and just let things happen, particularly as I spoke up very early on, rather than letting it unfold a bit first.

I love this and will remind myself of it! He had his chance. I wasn't looking for commitment, I only wanted to know what his intentions were, and I got my answer!

You did the right thing. I had a very similar guy to you and we were off and on for over a year. The sex was exceptional but he did nothing for my mental health or confidence.
Ive met a great guy now and when the other guy popped back up, I had great pleasure in telling him I was dating and blocking him from my phone 😬

You did the right thing. I understand you why you may be missing the situation and him but ultimately he didn't want to take it further and made that clear and you were strong enough to set a boundary for yourself and your well being. Well done.

I agree.

You are smart enough not to collude with breaking yr own heart

But it had unfolded and I agree with PP that he had an opportunity to respond to you bringing up the dynamic. He liked things the way they were, you wanted something different. Well done, you won’t get what you want in a relationship by pretending to be someone you’re not. It just wastes time and preoccupies you from meeting someone who will want what you want. Onwards!

I agree.

You are smart enough not to collude with breaking yr own heart

This is exactly what I needed to read myself. A FWB from a few years ago who broke my heart has randomly messaged out of the blue and tbh I've been so torn on it but unhappy really that he's got in touch. I had accepted it was never going to be what I hoped for and I'd moved on- him messaging has dragged up stuff from before. Also probably gave me a big dopamine hit too and made me remember the good times.

I know that it's no good for my heart though and what TreePoser said is what I needed to read. Well done @situationship , you've done really well to be so strong as it's easy to cave in these situations.

@treeposer, what a great phrase 'smart enough not to collude with breaking your own heart'. I love it!

Done yourself a MASSIVE favour!!

as @TreePoser said, don't collude in breaking your own heart!

@WatermelonSugarSigh good timing for you then!! Hopefully you can keep it at the front of your mind!!'

personally would love to NOT collude in my own heartbreak, but utterly shit at it!!

I just want to say well done. You chose yourself and your feelings which you value! Good for you.

He had his chance to say 'yes, lets see where this goes, exclusively with each other' and did not.

I think where it would have gone would be you developing real feelings for him and wanting a proper relationship while he backed off and said he’d told you all along that wasn’t what he wanted.
I think you did the right thing; you have to protect yourself in these situations

Ah, I had one of those, and I caught the feelings and let it run to see where it went.

It went to him dropping me when he found someone he wanted to have a go at an actual relationship with. I totally blame myself. He was nothing but honest about his intentions, but I hoped for more given how much time we spent together doing couple stuff. As the previous poster so well said, I colluded in breaking my own heart.

If he wanted you, he would have fought for you. You did the best thing for you.

Either of you any children?

We both have 2 each between 8 and 12. Curious to know why this is relevant?

Theres some really interesting dual thinking on this thread.

Everyone is praising the OP or repeating the earlier maxim “never regret valuing yourself”. Yet this whole “valuation” thing.. where does it start and end? Or is it just something people say when a person pushes a non compliant guy away - like “you go girl!” kind of thing?

Was there perhaps an opportunity for the OP to “value” themselves earlier in the interaction, once the two became a “friendship” but continued with all of the intimacy he wanted and she thought was leading to something real?

As someone sagely said earlier in the thread :

“your situation had him very conveniently in a place where he could sleep around, or drop you, guilt free”

this is the reality of it. it’s great that you were able to pull back from it and I don’t want to dampen the chorus of “go girl” stuff, but I still think there’s some merit to looking at why you expected anything more once you were in friendship, undefined, yet with intimacy.

as another poster said when speaking of their experience:

“. I totally blame myself. He was nothing but honest about his intentions, but I hoped for more given how much time we spent together doing couple stuff. As the previous poster so well said, I colluded in breaking my own heart.”

It may not be clear in my OP but I stepped away immediately, as soon as I realised there was a prospect for my feelings to get involved (and before I really had any significant feelings about him).

I never thought or really cared that it would lead to something more initially. As soon as I did, I spoke up and ended it.

He very quickly demoted you from date and potential partner to FWB. I would have bowed out at that stage.

You describe it all in a very flowery way but ultimately he was using you while keeping his options firmly open.

It's sad that this is where things are now. Part of me thinks 'if it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck - it's a duck'.
You were sleeping together, spending much of your free time together, 'acting like a couple'. To me that means you are in a relationship, not a 'situationship'. Isn't this how things used to go? You dated and spent time together, then either it grew or one of you felt not so much (or met someone else) and things ended.
It seems you (or online dating) have brought it all forward, which I suppose does protect your feelings, and if he was not feeling emotionally involved with you then all for the better to find out now, but it's sad that things can't seem to develop over time any more.

I never thought or really cared that it would lead to something more initially.

Does that tell you anything OP?

I don't mean that cruelly, I just mean - isn't that also a reason why you both ended up where you did?

If you didn't care that it would lead to something initially, this meant that you liked him enough to enjoy him (so to speak), but not enough to try and explore more emotionally - at first.

That's fine, but that essentially meant you had a FWB as @megacat said. Nothing wrong with that, I've had plenty.

What I find a bit tricky to understand is that the minute you realised you had feelings, you "spoke up" - and yet were you expecting him to pull back the curtain and say "it's ok! I'm here with you, I feel exactly the same thing at the same time", after a period where as you said, you never cared it would lead anywhere?

I still think it's worth a reflection that while everyone is 'whoop whoop!' about you calling it early,maybe there's also something to think about when it comes to how some men work.

As in - you both agreed to be friends after 7 (seven!) dates, then what happened here? This is the crucial stage I think. Whereby if you weren't that into him after 7 dates, what about his availability and your situation allowed it to 'roll over' into that situation?

Dates are strange constructs, but for me they signify an opportunity to say "ok- I'm intrigued - I'm going to see if we can build on this and get excited about each other".

If after seven such occasions you both say "ok we're not that excited about each other" but carry on? Then the situation played out 'as expected'.

Because when children involved - the buzz word is caution caution caution .

it sounds like it moved very fast and he, as I would totally be in his portion with children those ages, is hesitant.

follow his lead. I suspect he is putting his children first and foremost and wanting to take things slow