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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take DD to my mum's funeral?

48 replies

Peccary · 03/07/2022 22:17

My mum died unexpectedly and the funeral is this week, simple humanist ceremony at the crem. I have one child who is almost 5. She doesn't really understand fully.

My dad has just assumed I am taking her but I'm really uncomfortable with this. It will be small event, I expect this is the point where I will break down as I've been holding it together for everyone else. I don't want DH to have to take her out as I will need him.

I understand kids need to understand death and if it was someone more removed I'd probably take her.

Thoughts welcome as my head is a mess

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 03/07/2022 22:20

I'm sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do to get through the day. I never went to my grandads funeral when I was 7 although I understood he had died. Had no impact on me. I think you give yourself your mum's funeral to say goodbye without having to be mum and holding it all together. I wouldn't think twice about not taking my children in similar circumstances. Xx

Thatiswild · 03/07/2022 22:20

I would feel the same as you and wouldn’t take her. Tell you dh what you’ve said here, it’s your mum, only you know how you’ll feel. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Humanist services can be so beautiful, I hope it brings you comfort.

Honeyroar · 03/07/2022 22:20

My mum never took us to our grandparent’s funerals. Probably for similar reasons to yours, although she did ask if we wanted to (we were early teens).

Honeyroar · 03/07/2022 22:20

ps, at five there doesn’t seem any point imo.

dolphinsarentcommon · 03/07/2022 22:21

OP I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum when my children were a similar age. A good friend had them for the day and I went to the funeral without them. I couldn't be sure I'd have held it together for them, and tbh I needed that moment to be for me

Flowers
SheRasBra · 03/07/2022 22:22

I think she's too young and that your first instincts are correct: she won't know what's going on but she will be upset by your own sadness. Is there anyone who could look after her during the funeral and maybe bring her to the wake/gathering afterwards (assuming you're having one)? We did this with our two young kids after a very difficult family funeral and everyone loved having them at the gathering after.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You've lost your Mum - you're allowed to think about yourself. x

WeAllHaveWings · 03/07/2022 22:22

Ds was 9 when my dad died. We asked him if he wanted to attend the service, he didnt so a friend watched him for us. Dh picked him up after the service and brought him to the funeral tea.

Do whatever you feel most comfortable with.

Chicaontour · 03/07/2022 22:23

First of all I am truly sorry for your loss. I am Irish and culturally we attend funerals at an early age. It is a sad painful part of life but I do think that it is a good thing to attend funerals. I brought my daughter to her grandfather's funeral 2 months ago. Ultimately do what's right for you There are some really good books to help your daughter understand. May your mother rest in peace.

Bourbanbiscuit · 03/07/2022 22:25

So sorry for your loss. Leave her with a friend and say goodbye to your mum without worrying. I always think its a lot for a child to see adults upset and crying x

JemimaTheClimber · 03/07/2022 22:26

I am very sorry for your loss. Flowers

Mine were 6 and 3 when my Mum died and a lovely friend had them for me. I couldn't have had them there as my focus would have partly been on them and I did cry a lot, not sobbing hysterically just crying over all the lovely things people said about my Mum, how amazing she was etc.

Is there anyone who could have her for the day or take her to and from school? Yes they need to understand loss but not by attending a funeral. Mine understood loss, they have never been to a funeral.

Original poster
Peccary · 03/07/2022 22:26

Thanks for the thoughts so far. We have talked about it and looked at books.

I should add, a family member will have her while we are at the service, she will come to the wake.

OP posts:
easyday · 03/07/2022 22:27

I took mine at 3 and 6 to my fathers. I did not take them to the reception after which was a sit down lunch and I knew they'd be bored, but at the ceremony they were fine, understood the seriousness of the ceremony and I think it helped them to see it all.
Nine months later they attended their own fathers funeral and as they had been to one recently it made easier.

Bunnycat101 · 03/07/2022 22:32

Peccary · 03/07/2022 22:26

Thanks for the thoughts so far. We have talked about it and looked at books.

I should add, a family member will have her while we are at the service, she will come to the wake.

This is what we’ve done for some family funerals. It seems to bring some light relief to have children at the wakes and allows them to be involved but I didn’t want my under 5s attending the actual services. I don’t know where my cut-off would be but so much will be down to the circumstances around the funeral and the nature of the child. I’m sorry for your loss.

Sarahzb · 03/07/2022 22:35

No. They have no comprehension of death and will be bewildered. The only funerals I ever went to as a child was as a chorister, not with my parents to family ones

weltenbummler · 03/07/2022 22:35

I am very sorry you lost your mother. Your child may find it helpful to be at the funeral to understand what happened to their grandmother and know that she did not abandon them. You should not have to hide from your child that you are very sad that your mother has died. A funeral is part of the rituals people have developed to process our feelings around death. You may want to have a look at winstonswish website. But I agree you will need to weigh this up with what you feel works for you on the day / lets you get through it.

BogRollBOGOF · 03/07/2022 22:36

easyday · 03/07/2022 22:27

I took mine at 3 and 6 to my fathers. I did not take them to the reception after which was a sit down lunch and I knew they'd be bored, but at the ceremony they were fine, understood the seriousness of the ceremony and I think it helped them to see it all.
Nine months later they attended their own fathers funeral and as they had been to one recently it made easier.

My first funeral was my dad's at 11. I think it would have helped if I'd gone to my grandma's at 5 rather than having the unknown thrust on me then with a difficult grief.

5 is old enough to know how to behave in a ceremony (used to school assemblies) and to know that grown-ups can feel sad. Pre-schoolers tend to be less mature.

HorribleHerstory · 03/07/2022 22:37

Im sorry for the loss of your mum. I’m sorry you need to think about this.

I have always taken my DC to funerals. I am happy with the idea that they can see normal and expected sadness as a loss and I like the rituals surrounding the funeral process, they are familiar and reliable. And I want my dc to feel included. I wanted their memories of the losses to include community and holding space together, rather than the horrific fact of the deaths, bodies, removals, breaking the news to others, shock, police and all that stuff.

with the funerals I’ve attended with my dc it’s never mattered to me what other mourners think of my decision either way, it’s not up to them, but perhaps your dad is looking for comfort in dc as many do.

you do what feels best for you and dc though there is no right or wrong way.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/07/2022 22:39

I didn't take my DC either.

My Dsis brought her DD aged 6 she regretted it afterwards as it impacted on her DD.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/07/2022 22:40

To add, I'm so sorry about your DM.

An unexpected death is horrendous to deal with.

I hope you're doing okay. 💐

rahjama · 03/07/2022 22:44

That day is about you being able to grieve. Taking your DD means you'll be looking after her, not yourself.

If you have someone able to watch her while you're there, you should definitely do that. She will be okay for those few hours but likely you will not. Take that time for yourself.

I think most children don't attend funerals at that age.

Sorry about your loss OP. x

Kite22 · 03/07/2022 22:47

Of course YANBU.
None of mine came to either of my parents funerals.
I needed that time for my own grieving, not to be looking after small dc.

One option might be to collect her and bring her to whatever you are doing afterwards - cuppa and a cake / meal / funeral tea ? But equally, take the full day to grieve, and to talk to her friends and others who loved her and will miss her and will want to share memories of her rather than being 'on duty' as a parent and not being able to take that time for yourself.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 03/07/2022 22:50

I attended an immediate family member's funeral at an age a little younger than your daughter. As a result I would not bring my own children to a close family member's funeral. Unless your child specifically asks to go, there is no need for them to be there and being surrounded by adults experiencing sadness and grief leaves a lasting impression which she is too young to process and understand.

My immediate family would expect my children to attend funerals and gravesides. Having been the child attending, I would never inflict that on my own child.

Munchies123 · 03/07/2022 22:54

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My sons were 10 & 8 when my mum died. My 10 year old wanted to come but I said no. I was a mess, my dad was a mess. I was worried their impact it would have on him.

We went to the crem the following day. He saw mums flowers with his card and we had a quiet reflection time in the gardens. It was much less stressful for both of us. And it felt a more personal goodbye.

Neither way is right or wrong. Take care

SpiderinaWingMirror · 03/07/2022 23:14

Do what you think is right. Fwiw, our youngest dd was about 5 when dfil passes. We thought she was too little ( older sisters were teens, and cousins up to mid twenties). Don't regret not taking her.

KrisAkabusi · 03/07/2022 23:15

I'm also Irish, and taking children to funerals is normal. At that age they understand death, and a funeral helps them understand what happens. My kids were 3 and 5 at my grandmother's funeral. They looked in the coffin, said goodbye, and stood at the graveside. My uncle said he found it very helpful having them there as it showed life goes on, and even though his mother had died, he could see part of her in my kids.

While it is your choice for them to be there or not, it might not be the negative that you think.

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