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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to take DD to my mum's funeral?

48 replies

Peccary · 03/07/2022 22:17

My mum died unexpectedly and the funeral is this week, simple humanist ceremony at the crem. I have one child who is almost 5. She doesn't really understand fully.

My dad has just assumed I am taking her but I'm really uncomfortable with this. It will be small event, I expect this is the point where I will break down as I've been holding it together for everyone else. I don't want DH to have to take her out as I will need him.

I understand kids need to understand death and if it was someone more removed I'd probably take her.

Thoughts welcome as my head is a mess

OP posts:

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 03/07/2022 23:20

They looked in the coffin, said goodbye, and stood at the graveside

Don't do this to your child. Please.
I was the child who did the above.. It was confusing, sad and there was no way I understood what was going on. I still remember the coffin being put down and the sound of earth landing on the coffin and knowing my mother was in it.....
No child should be put through this regardless of what adult is might 'help' standing nearby.
It will be horrific day for you without your child having to endure it too.

Snugglemonkey · 03/07/2022 23:23

I would take my child. I think it is important to involve children in rituals of grieving to help them process their own feelings.

I am sorry for your loss.

Happytap · 03/07/2022 23:28

I have taken mine to funerals since they were babies as I wanted them included and they were very much loved by the people who had died. My three year old went to one this year and does not seem remotely scarred by it, and I did cry and do a eulogy.

That said - if you don’t want them there then don’t take them, it’s up to you and I’m very sorry you’ve lost your mum.

Meecrowavay · 03/07/2022 23:40

I'm sorry for your loss. I think 5 is too young for a funeral and it's going to be a difficult day for you. You're right not to take her.

Cloudyvintage · 04/07/2022 00:05

So sorry for you loss 💐.

When DH father Died we did not take DD then 6 to his funeral. She came to the wake afterwards and back to his Moms house afterwards. We actually sent her to school so her morning and afternoon was fairly normal. For us and our situation there was nothing to gain by taking her, she wouldnt have any benefit at that age and it meant that DH could grieve without worrying about DD. We do not hide death from her and talk openly about it, we had lost our dog a couple of years previous so it was not her first experience of a loss.

Whatever you decide to do, you must do what's right for you and for what you feel is right for your child. Don't feel pressured into doing something you are not comfortable with or you feel would be no benefit to your child.

carefullycourageous · 04/07/2022 05:53

I'm sorry for your loss

I don't think that anyone can tell you what to do but I would take my child to a funeral of a grandparent.

BlueMumDays · 04/07/2022 05:59

It's so personal. Don't take her if you don't want (I didn't take my kids to my mum's funeral - I needed just a couple of hours to actually mourn properly, without worrying about them)

BlueMumDays · 04/07/2022 06:01

Ps my dad would be the same as yours- I think he comes from a generation where it's just unthinkable to miss a funeral.

Wallywobbles · 04/07/2022 06:04

I took my 5 & 6 yo DDs to my dads funeral. I was also doing a reading so my BFF made sure they didn't bolt at that point. It went really well. They behaved well. Understood enough that they got something from it. Through earth into the hole and said goodbye to grandpa.

I think there's no obligation but for me and them it was a positive experience.

blackteaplease · 04/07/2022 06:04

Sorry for your loss.

It's entirely up to you and whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.

When my mum died I took dc3 as he was only 5 weeks old and a good friend looked after dc1 and 2 who were 5 and 2 at the time. I needed Dh to support me and wanted time to grieve without being focused on the children.

AnotherEmma · 04/07/2022 06:11

I am very sorry for your loss
FWIW I think you are making the right decision not to take her to the funeral itself but to take her to the wake afterwards.
This thread shows that different people would make different decisions but you have to do what feels right for you and your DD.

DH and I recently attended a family funeral (not one of our parents) and we didn't take the children (age 5 and 21 months) to the funeral itself, only the wake. It was absolutely the right decision for us in the circumstances. DH did take DC1 to visit the grave later which was a good compromise I think.

WatermelonSugarSigh · 04/07/2022 06:15

I'm so sorry OP

I think your post says is your answer:

You are uncomfortable with taking your daughter, you know it's going to be emotional for you and you need your DH's support. I wouldn't take her for those reasons. Its incredibly difficult for you atm and you need to do what is best for you and for your sake, you need to be able to grieve and have support at the funeral without worrying about your daughter. Your needs are paramount in this- you can always do something separately with your daughter later to remember her gran.

Darbs76 · 04/07/2022 06:39

I’m so sorry for your loss. At 5 no I wouldn’t take mine. My kids struggled a little at my dads funeral and they were 10 and 13. They did me proud though

Crunchymum · 04/07/2022 06:57

I'm so sorry about your mum. It's utterly awful (lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly nearly 2 years ago now)

There were restrictions in place for funerals and no wakes (thanks covid!) but all of us siblings with children agreed we didn't want them at the funeral anyway. They were all relatively young - ranging from 12 down to 3 - but all of us felt we wanted to say goodbye to our mum without worrying about our kids. We did have an (illegal) garden gathering afterwards where the kids joined us.

You do what you need to do, your dad will understand.

Dinoteeth · 04/07/2022 06:58

I wouldn't take her. I'd collect her and take her to the wake or back to the house. But not the actual service.

Do what is right for you.

Wynston · 04/07/2022 07:32

So sorry for your loss op.
I took my dc aged 5 and 10 to my dads funeral. To be honest I cant quite recall (was in grief fog) but I think I asked them would they like to come?
no right or wrong answer here op just whatever you need to do to get through x

MaggieFS · 04/07/2022 07:35

I would do what you are planning.

I'm a firm believer that we need to be more open in our discussions about death, but given the context and her age, I think you have the best plan for all involved.

I'm sorry for your loss.

DisforDarkChocolate · 04/07/2022 07:46

As she's 5 I think it's fine to focus on your loss. If she was older I'd say be led by what she wants as you have to support her too even if it's difficult.

Could she come to the wake? Often these end up with a very different atmosphere as you share memories.

Original poster

Peccary · 04/07/2022 08:00

Thanks for all the kind words. Many of you have hit the nail on the head. I think I need this to be about me (my grief I mean) and my siblings who will turn to me.

She is at a curious age and I don't think I will be able to answer all her questions, we will talk about mum/granny plenty and will come up with some sort of memorial of our own. DH is totally against bringing her.

Life is so unfair, we lost DH's lovely step mum when DD was a baby and his mum died when he was a teen. I had a lovely relationship with my nan that she won't have.

OP posts:

safclass · 04/07/2022 08:12

So sorry for your loss.
As with most other pp we didn't take our youngest 2 to my dad's funeral . They actually went to school as normal which gave me time to compose myself . This allowed me to grieve at his funeral, and support my adult children/siblings. My husband could also be there for me. seeing a parent crying/upset/distraught is very hard for little ones.
After we went to my brother's house which we took them to and it helped with everyone to have younger ones milling about.

We lit candles in the garden and they joined in with that. (We would have done balloons but obviously not seen as that acceptable nowadays.)

PurBal · 04/07/2022 08:15

I think it would be weird not to take her to such an important event for someone so close. But I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to. Ultimately it’s up to you.

3peassuit · 04/07/2022 08:20

I always attended funerals as a child and took my children to relatives funerals. I grew up in rural Ireland and it was what everyone did. I think it helps children understand and come to terms with loss.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/07/2022 08:36

I'm sorry for your loss. Was your DD close to your mother?
I think she should be there and not just for the wake, for the whole thing. She is 5, so she is at an age where she can learn a lot. You'll have more questions from her (I suspect) if you don't bring her. If you don't think you can watch over her during the funeral itself, can the relative you're planning on leaving here look after her?

You say that your dad thinks you should take her. Could she sit with her grandad? He may welcome the distraction perhaps?

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