PIL feel like they own dc

[Lolatwo]

Help.

I lived with Inlaws whilst dp and I saved for a house. During this time I became unexpectedly pregnant and had ds. Whilst living under pils roof mil in particular became very overbearing and was constantly tried to second parent ds. She called him the "light of her world" and would often tell me that me and dp can't move far and wants us to be neighbours. She meant this. It wasn't a joke.

When me and dp agreed to move further out for financial situations mil didn't like this. Then me and dp started to have problems ( related and non related to this) and I moved out with ds to get some headspace as to what to do next.

The thing is mil tried to stop and me and said I was "taking" ds and "keeping" him from them. During this hard move away mil persistently messaged me sending me guilt tripping messages (which dp has defended). Dp has now announced he doesn't want to move and if we do it can't be far away (I wonder who planted that seed in his mind) and thinks I'm unfair for not allowing pils to see ds every day since our split.

There is a massive sense of entitlement from pils that since they housed ds they should see him all the time and have made it very clear THEY want that. Dp agrees. I have said they can see him once a week just like my relatives. I worried this isn't going to be enough for them and if I ever want to move in the future be it with dp or not this will be an issue. I'm so so worried that they will somehow take my dc from me because they really feel they have that right in his life.

Aibu on this or are they?

Sorry for all the typos!

Want to add have spoken to a legal advisor who has confirmed they have no parental rights over ds no matter how hard they try but since dp still lives with them I'm worried dp will take ds over there and I will not get him back one day

Bump please

You need to split with DP by the sounds of it and then block their numbers. They can of course still have a relationship with DS, during his contact time.

Move as far away as possible as fast as possible.

@AppleKatie i fear that it will not be enough for them. I told dp one day a week they can see dc which I think is plenty given they are not her parents and it's equal to my family. But it's their sense of entitlement that scares me and the harassing to see dc and how mil tried to physically stop me from leaving (which she has done more than once)

@3luckystars I'd love to but I have no money and no where to go. I'm currently staying at a family members with absolutely nothing. When I left I literally just left with the clothes on my back

Hi op how awful for you.
I too have had fhis feeling that pils want to control me and DC and they have been incredibly over bearing.

I don't know what I would do in your situation.

Are you back with your dp? What was the basis of the move further away?

What happened to your part of the savings?

I did try to speak to a DA advisor on this issue as their was abuse involved but she really didn't want to hear about the PILS and saw them as a non issue. I wish this is true but the manipulative messages have been giving me anxiety. When I finally allowed them to see da Mil took it upon herself to come into my home to try to talk to me which i thought was completely wrong and again just demonstrates how forceful she can be

@Summerwhereareyou they got used up on something else (long story) but when the move was less and less likely and the living arrangement was becoming unbearable for me plus me and dp I took it upon myself to leave as it became a toxic environment for me and ds (although none of them would see that)

Op unfortunately unless you've been in a similar situation it's hard to understand how damaging pils can be.

Many a woman has been driven away because of them.

What happened to your half of the savings or your part of the savings?

First you need to decide whether you want to be with DP or not.

If not then he can take you to court to stop you moving far away so you may have your choices limited in that regard. If you do move you will be responsible for transporting child for contact.

His parents can see DC on exDP’s contact time- which may be 50:50 depending on age of child.

They have no rights themselves and you don’t have to facilitate contact - however you do have to facilitate contact for your daughters father and that may well mean they see her regularly.

@Parlezp ds is just under a 1 and a half and I am his primary carer (sahm). What would this mean for me? Am I better off "staying with dp" and then moving away further singularly

Paelezp can they force that even in ops position?

I'e penniless and homeless?

Where are your parents

@Summerwhereareyou i foolishly let dp spend it all. I really have nothing. It's like they have a sheet pulled over dps eyes and sometimes when he talks to me it's as if his mum is talking instead! At many times I felt ganged up on by all 3 of them. Its a really scary and vulnerable feeling more so just because they really can't see any wrong in their actions and think I'm the bad guy for leaving

Such a stressful situation for you OP. It's clear your relationship with "D"P is not happy or healthy and you need to set up a life for yourself alone. I'm sorry if that's hard to hear but seems quite clear from what you've said

As there's DA involved you should be entitled to legal aid - not always the best solicitors but it's something.

I would cut all communication with the in-laws and deal only with your child's dad. It doesn't matter really how often they see your son as it will be his father facilitating it during his contact time (and you can't dictate this, even to make it "fair" with your family). Focus on setting up a home for yourself and your son, and then a contact arrangement that is in Your child's best interest.

Good luck

What did you do before?
Where are your family?

Sorry for all the questions,don't worry if you don't want to reply.
Does DH Want you back? Was your relationship strong?

Just tell them they have no rights to see dc. They have had their kids and parented them as they chose. Now it's your turn and you will parent Dc as you see fit.

And if they are inappropriate in any way you will have to seriously consider whether they see dc or not.

Tell them the terms you find inappropriate, ask them not to use them again.

But bloody if she does leave she can't stop her pils from seeing the child.

I am so so sorry you're going through this. I've absolutely had it with overbearing dominating PILs on mn.

I'd immediately cut contact with the PILs and only communicate with DP whether that be as a split couple or still together. I think not having to see PILs would do a lot to make your life better.

If you split half the time will be with dp so I expect they'll see your child every day he has baby. Its nit just your decision unfortunately for you.

@PinkCheetah its ridiculously suffocating no one understands how much of a nightmare it is.

They started getting involved in our relationship troubles as well and dictating.

I would love to just block them and finally focus life on me and ds but I don't feel like I can. The thing is they are very sweet with me when they get their way but when they don't the can become quite hostile and cold. When I spoke to a friend IRL they described it as a abusive relationship

When you lived there did mil have your ds unsupervised regularly?

Repeat after me. Your baby, your rules. If you want to cut communication with PILs then no amount of sweetness on their part will change that