PIL feel like they own dc

[Lolatwo]

Help.

I lived with Inlaws whilst dp and I saved for a house. During this time I became unexpectedly pregnant and had ds. Whilst living under pils roof mil in particular became very overbearing and was constantly tried to second parent ds. She called him the "light of her world" and would often tell me that me and dp can't move far and wants us to be neighbours. She meant this. It wasn't a joke.

When me and dp agreed to move further out for financial situations mil didn't like this. Then me and dp started to have problems ( related and non related to this) and I moved out with ds to get some headspace as to what to do next.

The thing is mil tried to stop and me and said I was "taking" ds and "keeping" him from them. During this hard move away mil persistently messaged me sending me guilt tripping messages (which dp has defended). Dp has now announced he doesn't want to move and if we do it can't be far away (I wonder who planted that seed in his mind) and thinks I'm unfair for not allowing pils to see ds every day since our split.

There is a massive sense of entitlement from pils that since they housed ds they should see him all the time and have made it very clear THEY want that. Dp agrees. I have said they can see him once a week just like my relatives. I worried this isn't going to be enough for them and if I ever want to move in the future be it with dp or not this will be an issue. I'm so so worried that they will somehow take my dc from me because they really feel they have that right in his life.

Aibu on this or are they?

You've done the hard part which is to leave.

You now need to work out your long term plan.

I wouldn't be going back to your partner.

I'm saying this as a single parent because no matter how tough things might be for you and DS for a while do not underestimate the value of your personal freedom and your relationship with your DS.

Legal advice is right, PIL have no rights.

She can't cut communication if baby is with dad and dad is with...mamma!

No they don't have parental responsibility.
However, if they can prove that they have been significantly involved in the child's life and care, as they no doubt can given he lived there, this is one of the circumstances that they could be awarded legal contact in addition to what the other parent has and not taken out of his time. Its unusual but these are the types of cases where grandparents have been awarded contact.

That aside, if you're involved with the father, then you have control over some of the access. Split permanently and the assumption is 5050 shared care and they have their full influence when supporting their son.
Unless they all have dual nationality then if the child was refused to be returned then courts would do so, if this would deemed in the child's best interests and of course you simply being a mother is not sufficient for you to be guaranteed you'll get majority of the contact time.

Personally, I think that it must be so hard for the pil to go from 247 contact to you wanting to relegate them to the sidelines of maybe weekly contact. I would think that you choose your battles and rather than have the conflict. Slowly reduce the contact without making a big thing of it, or move it from visiting them to saying did they want to join you at the park, if the aim is to reduce the contact.

Presumably, this issue is not sufficient to bring about the end of your relationship? Are you really wanting to push this point to simply be able to win and in effect lose your child for half of their life to their father and his family?

Does it really demonstrate how forceful she can be, or does it show that she took your into her home and treated you like a daughter, so obviously wants to try and help you both resolve issues that you have? Like a mother does between their children?

Also, please bear in your mind , that at 18 months old, your child would be expected to have overnights with their father if he went to court, which the family would support and push for...

Likewise you're unmarried so will not gain anything financially from the split and only receive child maintenance. It is possible to live via emergency accommodation and benefits etc, but it is a very different life to the one you had. And will be in stark contrast to the life your child will continue having with his father and his family. You could obviously work etc, but then the father could certainly push in court that it is better for the child to be with family rather than in childcare f to facilitate this, and yes this is an argument won in court by split parents....

The relationship with the inlaws sounds fraught. Whether it's abusive is irrelevant atm. How you move on is relevant.

You need to make some decisions about what you're willing to work through, what you're willing to give up,what you will compromise on...

Get a residence order for your child that specifies he lives with you.
then if you are worried your dp/ex dp won’t return him you will have the legal backing to force him to be returned to you.

I would give him a ultimatum.

Either you move out and they see DS once a week like you wish or you spilt up and he becomes a weekend dad. He's abusive to you as is his parents.

Can i bump this thread as I really need help with this situation

It's only getting worse and I don't know what to do

If you are leaving Ds dad for good can you not just advise the PIL that contact should be arranged via him during his contact times and then block the pil?

What did you do before maternity leave? I’m assuming that you are not working currently? Have you checked that your are registered for child benefit and any other benefits?

Where were you planning to move to? Where is the deposit/fund for that? Are you over with ex? If so he might get 50% custody, they can see DS the n?

You need to only communicate with your ex.
They can see dc's on his time.

Block the in laws and enjoy the peace.

Since you are a SAHM you will likely get residency and hopefully child maintenance. But if it’s 50-50 you can’t stop your in laws from having a big role in your DC’s life. What do you do for work or what was your career before DC? Can you apply for part time jobs there? Which part of the country would you like to live? Where do your family live? If you lived by your family would you have help with childcare? Can you continue living with your relative while you get a job and rebuild savings to eventually live on your own? Can you declare yourself homeless/go to a shelter and get on the waiting list for council accommodation (if the relationship is abusive)?

Realistically you cannot stay with DP if you wish to separate from the in laws in a meaningful way.

But it’s very difficult to advise you without more background information.

OP you can apply for social housing and UC and if you don’t mind where you live (i.e. very far from pils) then they may be able to house you quite quickly. Even if you leave quickly there are lots of charities to help with clothes and food to get you set up. If it really is so bad you need to up and run make sure they know this.

Re your DP unfortunately when they are inside the home they don’t realise the bonkersness of it all as it’s normal to them it’s only when they leave that they really see it for what it was. So if you and DP are ever going to make it you need a place of your own. I don’t know if family can help with a deposit to get you on your feet? Whether that’s close or far.

Suffocating PILs are awful and I can understand seeing someone they love very much everyday and then suddenly not is hard but unfortunately it’s due to their own overbearing behaviour. Had it been a happy time then I’m sure you would have moved out but still seen them regularly and enjoyed the help with DS.

Your DP is defending his mum but say to him don’t you think DS would defend HIS mums sanity (i.e. you). If this is ever going to work clear boundaries need to be in place.

I would tell them all in no uncertain terms that their overbearing behaviour is pushing you away so much its likely you'll move away.
Suggest if they want to see more of DC they start behaving themselves and stop interfering in your relationship between DP and DC.