Lazy DP and enabling MIL

[MumOfCheekyBoys]

I'm currently on maternity leave with a 4 month old who is ebf. Our baby will not take a bottle and doesn't sleep well. I have had to get up 4 or 5 times a night every.single.day.since.he.was.born. I usually get around 4hrs of broken sleep each night. My DP does not do any of the night wakings. A few weeks ago, I got frustrated by this and asked if he could do the odd nappy change as he can't do any of the feeds. He was so irritated by this that he's taken to sleeping downstairs and won't come back up until he's heard me change him, even at weekends.

We also have a 4yr old who is only at preschool part time so I rarely get time to sleep in the day as he needs looking after too. The weekends are supposed to be shared but it's still heavily weighted on me doing most of the childcare. I try my best to get chores done but generally the house is a bit of a state. I am not a clean freak but do draw the line at overflowing bins and food out from the night before. I've asked that seeing as I'm up all night and very tired, the least he could is make sure all the cleaning up after dinner is done I.e. washing up, clean down sides, put any leftovers away etc. He agreed to this in exchange to no night wakings. I go to bed at 7pm, same time as kids to try and maximise sleep time, and I never get any free time.

He never once delivered on this agreement. He does anywhere up to 75% of the washing up but everything else is left. He spends all evening just watching tv or playing computer games. Literally, 4hrs every night. He watches tv for longer than I get to sleep sometimes. I am not happy. This is causing so many arguments in our house that he told his Mum I have PND and am being excessively unreasonable. I've explained to her that I am just tired and in need of support. She then replies that I should be doing all the housework seeing as he is out at work 'putting our food on the table'. she also said that her ex (my FIL) never did anything to help so I should be grateful her son is not as bad as him (wtaf??). This has royally pissed me off as:

1. I am being paid enhanced maternity pay so oir income hasnt dipped at all since being on maternity leave. I still pay 50% of all bills and food. DP does get paid more, but he keeps that to himself. He doesn't pay any more into the shared accounts so he absolutely is not 'putting our food on the table'.

1. She obviously had a shit time with her ex but why is she supporting her lazy ass son? Why does she want me to suffer like she did? Let her grandkids have a shite home life as we're just constantly arguing?

I have tried to talk to DP but he is simply not hearing me. Hes said that his job is so stressful that he needs 4hrs a day to unwind. We have very similar jobs so I know his working environment, it absolutely does not require a 4hr de-stress period! He did correct his Mum with the pay situation but she's still being off with me and he's still not actually doing any housework. They seem to be getting confused between maternity leave and being a SAHM. They both think housework is part of my job now...... It's a 2 against 1 situation 😔

AIBU to suggest he cleans and tidies his own house?? Obviously not all of the jobs, but a proportional amount. This is our 2nd child, 2nd time round with breastfeeding so I'm really confused where this sudden attitude is coming from. He was really helpful with our eldest 😪

You would ne better off single. Then you wouldn't be cleaning up his shit. Tell hi. To fix up or fuck off. He is a selfish prick. Parenting his kids isn't optional neither is cleaning his house. He can do his share with you or on his own in his own home.

The problem isn’t your MIL (although she isn’t being helpful). The problem is your lazy, self adult DP. He is choosing to behave this way.

MIL really is nothing to do with it.

He’s a selfish prick OP, you know that and I hope you know you deserve better

I’d leave him.

He's checking out...

It would be easier without him as you could get appropriate help in as required and tell them what to do without any negativity.

I'd tell him to go live with his mammy.

Your mother-in-law is an idiot for God's sake this man is awful! It really hit home when you said that he watches more TV than you actually sleep. He is just adding to your stress levels. If you think about life without him what does it look like?

There is no way I could put up with a man as lazy and selfish as him. Your MIL can mind her own business aswell, times have changed and men should be equally responsible for chores and childcare as women. I would be telling your partner that he can shape up or ship out. Also your financial set up is completely unacceptable. Why does he get to keep so much of his money when you have 2 children???

Tell him to pack a bag and fuck off.

You’d still be doing it all, but at least you’d be doing it without the seething resentment of him being there, creating extra work for you and doing absolutely fuck all.

What made you have a 2nd child with this prince.

How horrible. Tell him to go OP. Honestly ..just go.. and take your mother with you go and live at hers

Make sure you go back to work full time and keep your career options open for the future.

It's as if he thinks he has you captured now you have 2 kids and he can do what he wants!

This is not a long term solution but can you at least buy in cleaning help with him footing the bill, if he refuses to do it?

And you are finding this now after a second child?

Was he like this with your first?

I would be hiding the cables to his gaming system and TV so he couldn’t do that.

He is being a complete lazy arse

Unless he’s had a personality transplant between kids 1 and 2 then this, with bells on.

Please kick the useless shit out before your kids grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour.

Sorry, I know people roll their eyes when LTB is thrown around but he brings nothing to your life. I got the rage as early as him staying downstairs to hide from nappy changes and that was only the first paragraph and it got worse from there. If that wasn't so selfish you'd have to laugh at how ridiculous he is.

4 hours to unwind from work? Unless he works in bomb disposal he just sounds like a twat.

When we had DS1, he was ebf, and never got up in the night as he assumed baby was hungry. When I asked him to do the nappy change, he looked very confused and this is a quote I’ll never forget. He has the nerve to say “but you don’t need as much sleep as me”.

After, I pointed out that I still had my own property and may as well move out and be a single mum as it would mean less work for me, as I would only have one baby to look after instead of two, he quickly became a nappy changing ninja! By the time DS2 arrived he was hand-on during the night from the start.

I think his attitude stems from his dad being in the armed forces, so his DM was on her own a lot. Even now she still harps on about how his DF did nothing and she had to raise DP and his DB all on her own.

He has had a complete personality switch. He really wasn't like this with our first. It's only really been since I became heavily pregnant and he's had to 'do more' that these traits have come light. I think that's why I thought just having a chat with his Mum would sort things out. They're very close and I thought she'd just tell him to buck his ideas up, but the fact she sided with him has completely floored me. She is a bit old fashioned but still, I thought she'd have a bit female solidarity.

We've both underestimated the jump from 1 kid to 2. Being the only one who can feed him has almost certainly made things worse. I want to keep trying with bottles but it requires time to pump, time to sit there with a grumpy baby and time cleaning sterilising bottles. He says he wants to to do bottles, but when it comes to it, he gives up after about 5mins. It's just all lip service, broken promises. I'd be more than happy for him to have formula as well (I'm not precious about breastfeeding) but he'd have to have allergy formula which taste disgusting so we haven't had any luck with it.

I did ask DP to leave, but he just wouldnt go. Made a million promises to change things. Obviously, nothing changed.

I know I need to leave but can't seem to actually do it. I guess I'm just grieving the family life I thought we were going to have. So sad for my boys that they seem to be missing out. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

Op what about your family? Do you have a mum? Someone to back you up?
Also it's not two against one, he's in the wrong.
You need help, goodness even if you weren't up all night it doesn't matter.
You have come to agreement, you asked for help.

He's not helping you.

...unless he work in bomb disposal...

😂

Op I know you bf but does he do anything with no 1? Take him out etc

Point 1 floored me let alone the rest of it. You'd do better off without him and his fucking MIL! Get him out if you can as it sounds like he will never change and prioritises his needs before your children or you...and always will. He doesn't seem to add anything to your life except frustration and disappointment. Time he went back and lived with his mummy....

It sounds like he's checked out of the relationship altogether. He is not going to change, he knows you are un hand basically doesn't give a fuck. In your shoes I would go and see a lawyer about how you can get him out of the house.

DP not DH? Whose house is it? If you want to leave you also need to look into your finances. Hope at least your shared bills are not going on day to day expenses while he pays off a mortgage on a house he owns.

Your MIL is wrong and it's sad when women don't support each other. But with your issues with your partner, she should barely figure in your thoughts. All your anger and blame should be focused on your partner. He chose to have children with you and has badly let you down. Your MIL isn't responsible for his behaviour as a grown man and her opinions are irrelevant to how your marriage works, don't let them be an excuse or a smokescreen.

You will feel so much better when this albatross of a ‘husband’ is no longer tied to your neck.

Ditch the twat.

Yes this is relevant, you don't have to share OP but your options could be different based on details like marriage/renting/mortgage etc.