Lazy DP and enabling MIL

[MumOfCheekyBoys]

I'm currently on maternity leave with a 4 month old who is ebf. Our baby will not take a bottle and doesn't sleep well. I have had to get up 4 or 5 times a night every.single.day.since.he.was.born. I usually get around 4hrs of broken sleep each night. My DP does not do any of the night wakings. A few weeks ago, I got frustrated by this and asked if he could do the odd nappy change as he can't do any of the feeds. He was so irritated by this that he's taken to sleeping downstairs and won't come back up until he's heard me change him, even at weekends.

We also have a 4yr old who is only at preschool part time so I rarely get time to sleep in the day as he needs looking after too. The weekends are supposed to be shared but it's still heavily weighted on me doing most of the childcare. I try my best to get chores done but generally the house is a bit of a state. I am not a clean freak but do draw the line at overflowing bins and food out from the night before. I've asked that seeing as I'm up all night and very tired, the least he could is make sure all the cleaning up after dinner is done I.e. washing up, clean down sides, put any leftovers away etc. He agreed to this in exchange to no night wakings. I go to bed at 7pm, same time as kids to try and maximise sleep time, and I never get any free time.

He never once delivered on this agreement. He does anywhere up to 75% of the washing up but everything else is left. He spends all evening just watching tv or playing computer games. Literally, 4hrs every night. He watches tv for longer than I get to sleep sometimes. I am not happy. This is causing so many arguments in our house that he told his Mum I have PND and am being excessively unreasonable. I've explained to her that I am just tired and in need of support. She then replies that I should be doing all the housework seeing as he is out at work 'putting our food on the table'. she also said that her ex (my FIL) never did anything to help so I should be grateful her son is not as bad as him (wtaf??). This has royally pissed me off as:

1. I am being paid enhanced maternity pay so oir income hasnt dipped at all since being on maternity leave. I still pay 50% of all bills and food. DP does get paid more, but he keeps that to himself. He doesn't pay any more into the shared accounts so he absolutely is not 'putting our food on the table'.

1. She obviously had a shit time with her ex but why is she supporting her lazy ass son? Why does she want me to suffer like she did? Let her grandkids have a shite home life as we're just constantly arguing?

I have tried to talk to DP but he is simply not hearing me. Hes said that his job is so stressful that he needs 4hrs a day to unwind. We have very similar jobs so I know his working environment, it absolutely does not require a 4hr de-stress period! He did correct his Mum with the pay situation but she's still being off with me and he's still not actually doing any housework. They seem to be getting confused between maternity leave and being a SAHM. They both think housework is part of my job now...... It's a 2 against 1 situation 😔

AIBU to suggest he cleans and tidies his own house?? Obviously not all of the jobs, but a proportional amount. This is our 2nd child, 2nd time round with breastfeeding so I'm really confused where this sudden attitude is coming from. He was really helpful with our eldest 😪

Can your Mum or someone come and stay for a week to help you catch up on your sleep?

As regards your husband, I'd stop doing anything at all for him. No meals, laundry etc. Sleep in another room. Check out of this marriage just as he has.

Your DH sounds like an entitled prick. Your MIL’s opinion is ridiculous.

LTB. IME it’s easier to parent entirely alone as a single parent than dealing with it on top of the frustration & pain of someone else’s daily blatant disregard for you & your well-being.

My 'D'H was like this with both of ours. EBF in the ealy days but couldn't do a bottle because he hates milk. I'd be up at 6, he wouldn't get out of bed till it suited him. Never changed a nappy; never had a serious job; no ambition; no responsibility. He's a leech and has never changed.

MIL ripped in to me for all the faults he'd told her about when I asked for some support.

He got violent, he lied, he cheated, he stole. He had enough inheritence to buy a house but squandered and gambled it.

He's not had a job since 2008, I provide everything. He'll be 66 this year and isn't even entitled to a full state pension because he's not worked enough. I will be insisting that the reduced amount goes into my bank to pay me back. That'll be a thread on here soon.

The only time he talks to me is to ask me to do something for him. He will do one job a day (no initiative) - often so badly that it has to be done again.

He was acceptable with our first because it was manly pride having a son - he could also duck off to London to play with his friends every week if he wanted to. Completely changed when second came along. It was 7 full years before he took both out together for an hour or two.

I do remember being so cross when No1 was about a year old, that I threw a glass of water at him when he was still in bed. He cried!

Don't be like me!

OP I could have written this post when I had my second child. My previously great DP descended into a lazy arse who did absolutely nothing, I wonder whether I didn't actually notice how little he did with one DC but it became glaringly obvious. It took 7 miserable years to leave him, but I did leave eventually.

I wouldnt leave him tbh. Its no fun being a single mum of 2. You wont get anymore sleep. Make him pay for a cleaner to cone twice a week to do housework and laundry.

Did you tell MIL that you're maternity leave is paying 50% of the bills and he isn't "putting food on the table" alone?

The OP said her H corrected his DM

It's trotted out a lot that it may sound like a cliche but in this instance it's true - the OP pretty much is a single parent. At least if she loses the deadweight she might lose the resentment too.

Suggestion from previous posts. Book yourself into a Premier Inn for a few nights don't tell him.
When you come home he will have had to deal with everything, hopefully it will make him realise how much you do and you need more help.

He's choosing to be a waster.

This is who he is and this is your life until you get rid of him.

What is your housing and family support situation?

I'm so sorry, it must be so hard living with such selfishness.

It is true though. I thought I'd be better off sticking it out, but really I had three children rather than two. And the resentment eats away at you.

The thing is too, there are lots of mumsnetters that have much more helpful second husbands, so OP wouldn't necessarily be a SP forever.

Your MiL is a dick. I’d ask her to justify why a father of 2 should have to do LESS than a single man living on his own. And ask your lazy partner the same.

Sorry but you have to get rid of this waste of space of a man. He's a chain around your neck weighing you down.
I really am very sorry 😞

Junk them both, then MIL can reflect over long years on how she raised such a shit son.

God, this kind of thing really really ticks me off, his attitude is disgusting and he needs a short sharp shock.
I personally think you should tell him that if he's going to treat you like you're a single parent then you'll just go and be a single parent then at least you're not dragging his dead weight around and dealing with the stress of trying to cajole him to pull his weight constantly.

The bottom line is that he helped to create that child, he needs to be responsible for caring for the child just as much as you.
It doesn't matter how much he works, you are doing the exact same hours as him but taking care of the children, so when he comes home from work at the end of his shift, you BOTH need to be equally sharing the childcare and housework.

His mother is just enabling his shitty behaviour, if my son ever treated his partner like this when he is older I would damn straight be telling him he's out of line and failing his wife and children.

Do not let him get away with this any longer, he needs to be held accountable.

Any friends or family who could come and help you out with everything, (and hopefully shame your Dp into doing something remotely called parenting?)

Any nursery or preschool you could increase the hours for for your eldest? A childminder? Anyone?

Maybe ask your MIL why a grown ass man is doing less than if he lived alone. What does he bring to this relationship now? What is your housing situation in terms of who owns it/rented etc?

I just wanted to say as well, that if you're not getting 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep per 24hr period then you're dangerously sleep deprived and unsafe as a caregiver, it's a similar level of impairment to being drunk.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your baby in these circumstances is to replace one of the night feeds with a bottle of formula given to baby by your partner or a bottle of pumped breast milk, if baby resists a bottle or formula keep persevering until baby takes it, and eventually they will, you need that 4 hours sleep period to be a safe caregiver.

I breastfed my baby and was in a similar position to you until I subbed one feed, it didn't affect my supply, I would pump immediately before and immediately after my 4 hours sleep and it was a game changer in the early days until baby started doing longer sleep stretches.

Who owns the house? I think you need to seriously warn him that you are going to leave him. Would it be too much to take a box of stuff to his mother's then lock him out? He needs to know you are serious about this. Also how would he feel if your joint friends knew how lazy he is? His Mother sided with him but wouldn't he be embarrassed by his actions?

Stop putting 50% into the bills account.
Use some money for a cleaner and in the meantime plan your escape.
If your dh refuses to help practically then he can pay for help.

Jenny foreigner but what would happen with access?

Tell him fine. Since he wants to opt out of everything because he 'puts the food on the table'. You're opting out of paying any money into the house. Save the bugger. Or he can fuck off back to his mothers.

I'd force the showdown me.

He's one to throw back in the pond, I'm sure Mummy will step in and make sure his every whim is pandered to.

I'd rather do it alone than with someone who has you seething with resentment.

I still pay 50% of all bills and food. DP does get paid more, but he keeps that to himself.

If you pay 50% of the bills, then he does 50% of the chores and the childcare.

If he wants you to do his the childcare and chores, then he earns all the money and it's shared. What's left after bills is half his and half yours. That's how it should work.

At the moment he's having his cake and eating it - you're still paying your share of the costs, while he's dumped all his chores on you!

I have a friend who was terrified her good for nothing ex would try for 50/50.

He has barely got off the sofa to take them to his mums once a fortnight.

Also 😱 to the poster whose DP said 'he hates milk'. That's a new one!

He won't listen to you but he wants to live his life. Don't wash his clothes, or cook for him. Don't do anything he takes for granted. He treats you like this now, what will it be like in ten years time?

It's tough when you have little children but even tougher when you have a giant child as well. I despair when I read about men like this. My son and his girl have a new baby and he helps her at night with feeds and nappy changes. They are both tired as baby is not a good sleeper but they are a team, and this is what it should be like.