1st birthday etiquette

[Clairejay34]

Dd2s first birthday is coming up and we are thinking of going for a meal in the afternoon with close family to celebrate it. However close family (parents, siblings and their partners and kids) is 25 people!! So my question is aibu to ask people to pay for their own meal? Should we be paying for everyone?

If we were just going with a handful of people we would pay but due to the amount of people its going to cost us around £500, which we just can't afford at the moment due to me being on mat leave and a recent house move, and also the increased cost of living.

I know my family won't mind at all and we always split the bill for things like this, but when we are invited to a birthday meal with the inlaws they always pay (we do offer but they always decline) however they are a lot better off than us financially.

For DD1 we just had a party in the house but due to the amount of people that were there and people arriving late and staying very late I just found it too stressful so I said I wouldn't have that many people in my house all at once again.

We are going to a brewers fayre type place that also has a soft play..I will pay for all the kids to get in to the soft play. Its not overly expensive..maybe £20 per person for a meal.

So..
Yabu - you should pay for everyone since you have invited them.
Yanbu - it is normal for everyone to pay for their own meal.

If you are inviting people, I think you need to pay. That said, I can’t imagine anything worse than a seated meal out for a 1st birthday. It’s just not super baby friendly and sounds really stressful.

if you can’t do a party at home, why not hire a hall? Balloons, pass the parcel and some toys, with snacks, cake, coffee/tea/adult beverages for grown ups. Even if you also hired a bouncy castle , it wouldn’t cost £500!

I don't really think either way is unreasonable as long as it's made clear when inviting people that they'll be paying for themselves.

Fwiw, personally, if I was having a party for someone, I probably wouldn't do it if I couldn't afford to pay for the meal. I would either invite less people or go down the route of a party/buffet in the house which is what we did for my Son's 1st birthday last month as we'd also considered a meal out but couldn't afford everyone's.

Having said that, if I was invited a friend's/family member's birthday dinner, I would absolutely expect to pay for myself and would be happy enough to do so (although as above, I'd prefer to know in advance just so I can budget it in)

I think you're over-thinking this.

I agree - a sit down meal at a restaurant isn't the best place for a 1st birthday party. The baby will be wriggling around, as will any other children there.

Have a tea party at home, with a few sandwiches and cake where everyone can make a fuss of the baby much more easily. As someone suggested - maybe even book a local community hall for more space. Both would be much cheaper than a restaurant and depending upon your family, they may well help out, bringing dishes for a buffet.

Why are you inviting so many people?

Why not wait until it's your own birthday? At least you'll remember it?

I think it's ok as long as you make it clear up front.

But I'm with PP, as it's a party for DD I would want to be able to host it so I'd cut down to numbers I could afford.

Is hiring a hall and having a buffet an option?

A sit down meal for a child's first birthday is crazy. They won't remember or care. Do a cake and a few drinks at home and invite people over.

Not the best bday idea for a 1 year old really

@TeapotTitties the people we are inviting are immediate family only..we have 5 siblings between us all of which have partners and kids, (so ten adults and 6 kids) dhs parents are divorced and remarried so between them and my parents there are 6 of them, and then me, dh and our 2 dcs make 26 people, there's no one we could really cut from that list.

Yes I think I am over thinking it, will definitely look in to a party in a hall, thanks for the suggestions :)

Why don't you just celebrate at home with her sibling? And tell grandparents they're welcome to come over for a cup of tea and a piece of cake.

If you can’t afford it - don’t do it! No one will think worse of you. Birthday baby won’t remember it. Make a cake, get some balloons or something the DCs will enjoy and invite family/friends over for a cuppa and cake. They are small they’ll be tired after a short while then whingy

@Doorsdoyle @onemorerose the place we were thinking of going has a soft play area, so I thought would suit both kids and adults. But I'm seeing its probably too much.

Have a party at home with some sandwich platters, the kid isn't going to know or care.

No I get that but why are you inviting them to a baby's birthday 'party'? Will they even want to attend even if they don't have to pay for their meal?

Surely at that age they just send a card/present or pop round for tea and cake if you're doing anything at all?

It would be completely different if this was a toddler rather than a baby, but as it stands this is a meal for no-one other than you and the baby's dad.

I think dropping by for tea and cake would be far more appropriate, especially as I'm sure they'll feel obliged to fork out for a present as well as their own food/drinks etc.

Can you have it at home but with another 'out of the house' commitment afterwards that means you have to go out by X time? (And let all family know in advance that's the case) Also, if you make it clear it's just tea and cake without anything more substantial on the food front, that should help to starve them out the door on time.
A meal out for that many inc DCs seems OTT and chaotic in itself TBH, and you do need to be offering to pay I think (and running the risk of being taken up on it) even if each nuclear family is likely pay for themselves. The other option is to prune the guest list to just parents and their partners, giving a total head count of 10 inc your DCs.
FWIW, I would just have a party at home and accept family were likely to overstay. For much less than the £500 you are talking aboit for the meal, you could buy in sandwich platters etc to make the day easier. If you time it for later in the day, you can just take DCs off to bed after a couple of hours (at their usual bedtime) and hide up there until everyone's gone.

Hire a hall, even better a children's community centre (so it will have a soft play/play area) and self cater. You can ask family to bring a dish.

Or you could hold it in the park if good weather (but have a plan B in case it rains).

I wouldn't feel comfortable inviting people, and asking them to pay. £20 a head is also quite expensive, and given the cost of living crisis might stretch a lot of people's budgets.

Of course you don't have to pay for them all! Just make sure its clear from the outset so nobody gets a nasty surprise on the day.

However, I would probably change it to either just you plus grandparents (and step grandparents) which would be a much more manageable number. Can you even book a pub table for that many without pre-ordering?

Alternatively as others have said, book a small hall and do a mini party. This is what we did for DDs first birthday and invited about 30 people. I made cold buffet food and brought along some balloons and toys for the kids to play with, stuck on a CD of Disney songs.

I can see how a restaurant alongside a softplay would be attractive, however take it from me - the parents wouldn't get a moment's peace and be able to enjoy their meal for the kids wanting to go over to the softplay area.

community hall with buffet and maybe a bouncy castle - so much easier all round

For a child’s birthday party you need to host. So do what you can afford.

What about afternoon tea at your house from 2-3.30 with cake cutting at 3? Then it’s a limited time and you can supply tea coffee soft drinks a few sandwiches scones fruit platter and cake.

Make sure the invitation has a start and finish time and come up with a few phrases togivepeiplethe hint that it’s time to go Eg wrap them up some cake and hand it to them saying thanks for coming, this is for you to take with you.

A sit down meal for a ONE yr olds birthday is a bit ridiculous!

cake and balloons at home with just her grandparents!

I see what you have said about DD1s birthday but I would do something at home a great deal cheaper. A one year old isn't going to be over the moon about going to a restaurant. I would do it at home and try to limit the time and if possible the people. But - perhaps sandwiches and cake laid out and an eg "between 2 and 5 " type invitation. a sit down meal for 26 people for a 1st birthday is not what I would have done - but hey you must do what suits you .

Have a big picnic. Tell everyone to bring a picnic blanket and you provide sandwiches and cake. Get some games that people can play and some balloons to tie to a tree. Your 1yo can roam around and older children can play with a ball etc. Job done.

Given its your own brother and sisters surely you can just say hey we are going to xyz pub for dinner would love to join us. We will buy drinks for the table and have a cake.

I would host the party you can afford tbh, otherwise you will be stressed about the bill at the restaurant, trying to sort it out at the end will be a nightmare and a sit down meal with a whole lot of small children is not the most relaxing experience regardless of the soft play part. A picnic in a park with a playground would be my first choice if the weather is good, it's probably what most people do here (Aus) and generally works well. "Bring a plate" is expected and easy. Otherwise a community centre/hall.

I'd just take the kids to soft play and have a birthday tea at home if you must.
You can order some M&S party platters to save any stress.

I agree with hiring a hall if you don’t want to have it at home. I do think it’s ok to ask people to pay for themselves (maybe pay for a round of drinks when you arrive and the soft play). I just don’t think it’s a good place for a 1st birthday when you have other children coming too, the parents won’t be able to sit and enjoy the meal they will be running after their own children.